I think you are right not to reunite the boy with the family as it would undermine your efforts to keep your daughter safety and lead her to believing the abuse was somehow okay and that she was some how at fault.

I can only imagine the stress and worry you have been under as a caring mother these past few months. My heart goes out to you.

Hello there,

Here is a website I have found which may be useful to you.

It is called MOSAC and it supports non abusing parents and carers of sexually abused children.

It is a UK organization but it may be helpful because it provides an email service for advice.

www.mosac.org.uk

Number one, you are very much welcome here! I'm very sorry this happened, and as I tell every new person that's comes here.. I'm sorry there is even a reason for this group to be here... But sadly there is.
What happened to your daughter can not just be 'swept under the rug' please don't allow anyone to do that. That fixes nothing, and nothing changes nor heals.
So far from what you have said, you are doing something that some parents 'for some reason' do not do... You believe her. On behalf of the victims/survivors all over, I say "thank you"

That alone is very important.
She may wake up in the night crying... Sadly this is normal. Just be there for her. She may just look at something and start crying, same thing, hug her and just listen.

But the biggest thing is ...
Be there, believe her, no matter what she says, stand by her.
She is your life, she is the most important creature in this planet. There is non other like her. Cherish her, and don't give up.

Never give up.

The half brother need help. Sounds like something has happened to him before?
Your daughter needs a therapist...
The half brother need a therapist... NOT the same person, NOT at the same time.

Please, keep being mom. You are the one she will come to. You are the one she trusts... Do not act like you do not believe her, or question her in a negitive way...


I need to stop now, I'm sorry this happened...

Thank you for your replies. I can't imagine being a parent and not believing my child or looking the other way. I do understand how difficult abuse makes family situations, but I will always put my child first. She has been seeing a child sexual abuse therapist. She actually has basically completed treatment as of last night. She will just go back every now and then or if something comes up. The one thing that is so hard is that everything she does makes me question if it is normal or because of the abuse. The really sad thing is that she loves her brother so much. She would be so happy when he came to our house, even though he usually didn't treat her very nicely. She still loves him and misses him. I just can't wrap my mind around how a 13 year old would want to be sexual with a 5 year old sister. I don't think I will ever trust him or really be able to forgive him.

I hear stories all the time of children not being believed by their parents. To all of you who experienced that, I am very sorry that happened to you.

I want to say thank you, though I'm not quite sure why... Maybe for everyone else...
I had no reason not to tell when I was molested, and later raped... But neither time I ever told.. The only thing I can think of is that I'm male, and less likely to be believed anyway.. But that was my own idea anyway. Not sure where that came from I don't remember ever being told "don't tell or else" or anything like that...

I'm glad your daughter came to you, I hope, right away...
I'm also so glad that you believe her. And yes, many sweep it under the rug... I have seen first hand the idea of " we swept it under the rug when it happened to us, why can't you do that???"
Families are strange creatures sometimes...

One thing to think about though... Are you willing to side with your daughter at the cost of your relationship with the half brothers dad??
( don't know if you're married or dating...)
Families have split over things like this, and sometimes the adults stay together and push what ever happened between the kids under the rug ( only alowing it to happen with a blind eye) ...

Please no you are welcome and I can relate to your daughter. My abuser was my step brother. I delt with his nightly visits for over 3 years. I beg you to not force her to have a relationship with him. She may not be old enough to understand but she's old enough to remember. That dosnt mean she can't have a relationship with her father. However, if he can't understand why allowing them under the same roof again is inappropriate and not in the best interest of your daughter he has no right to making decisions. When she is older and has gotten therapy and worked through what she's been delt she can make the decision on what answers she wants and who she wants to let in.

notalone00- Yes, I would put my daughter ahead of my husband if a choice had to be made. I hope it doesn't come to that because I feel that would be the worst thing for my kids right now. They already lost a brother and several other family members who believe I am wrong in keeping them apart. I have kept them from being alone with my husband's parents because I am worried about their influence. They initially blamed me for the abuse and suggested that I got my stepson to admit to more than he had done.

Since we found out, my stepson hasn't been allowed in our home and hasn't seen my children. My husband sees him on his own. It has been hard for him not to have his son around but we haven't figured out any other way of moving forward. My stepson's mother got him a lawyer and has refused to let him be interviewed. His court date is this coming Tuesday to see if they will move forward with charges.

71790- Thank you for answering me. I haven't been able to find many people who can relate to this situation of sibling abuse. May I ask how you felt about your stepbrother at the time and how you feel now? My daughter really wants to see her brother again. I met my husband when his son was 18 months old, fast forward over 11 years and here we are. My daughter's therapist believes that reunification can work if everyone commits and stepson takes responsibility and goes through treatment. My daughter is only 6 so obviously I can't allow her to make the decision to see him yet. I'm just worried about how she will feel in the future. Will she be upset with me for keeping her from her brother or if we try reunification, will she feel that I didn't protect her?
I'm just very lost. I don't feel like reunification is the right thing, but so many people around me feel like it is. I just want to do what will be best for my children. If we ever do allow him to see my kids, he wouldn't ever spend the night or anything like that. I would be watching him like a hawk. I really don't feel like I could ever treat him right again. I think I would be hateful.

From personal experience, I have found that once an abuser, always an abuser. This happened to me when I was young and then later on to my daughters by my father. I always tried to keep them with me at all times. Unfortunately, there were times when they were alone with him when the abuse occurred. When you have some kind of intuition, act on it. There has always been doubt in my mind when it comes to leaving my girls alone with my dad. He would have the two of them in the house and do something to one and then yell for the other one to come downstairs so he could abuse the other. My 18 year old wound up in the psych unit at a hospital for a week because she so wanted to tell my husband and I about what had happened to her sister and her. I and my husband are behind both of them 100%. Unfortunately, after he admitted to abusing them, the next day he took it back and now my sisters and nieces and nephews are behind my dad and calling us liars which makes us feel betrayed all over again. We are currently trying to find a therapist for both girls who specialize in sexual abuse. Given therapists and their refusal to take insurance, we are having a hard time. I found out that he continued to touch them whenever they saw them, albeit sneakily. I cannot tell you the anger I have in my heart that he did this to them. Do not listen to your family and keep her away from him. I am sure the first chance he gets he will try again.
As moms, we will do anything for our children. Since there was nobody there to protect me, I always knew I would do whatever it took to keep my girls safe. Please do what you feel is the right thing to do in your heart.
My problem is that my dad is now 81, now no longer In the best of health and I think pressing charges will be a waste. I also live close to my sister and her kids and during the week somebody threw an old television set in our driveway, the first time this has ever happened. I refuse to be afraid of them and if this continues, I will have the police go over and talk to them. I am also thinking about putting cameras around my home In the event they try something else.
If you have any doubts about having this animal around your daughter again, you are probably 100% right in what you are feeling. You need to be with your daughter and do everything in your power to help her.

I do think a 12 year old boy is a very different case from a grown man, and I agree that your stepson must have been abused or taught such behavior by someone else in order for him to behave like this. I would want to know what happened to him.

I was abused by my father and my brother, and I hold much more of a grudge against my father than my brother, and hold him responsible for abusing me. I still love my brother, even though I choose not to deal with him as an adult because he has never dealt with his issues.

I guess I am saying that I see room for your daughter to be reunited with her brother, under close supervision. I say this only because you say that SHE wants it and don't care at all what the rest of the family thinks or wants.

And I am also saying that the stepson is a child too, and there's something wrong there is he's abusing little girls. There is a reason he did this. What happened to him, and who was the perpetrator? I'd be wondering what else went on in that family if I was you, and I would be very cautious of leaving my daughter alone with any of them.

My kids are not alone with any of that family anymore. Actually, we hardly ever see any of them because of things that were said and done after the abuse disclosure. We also questioned if my stepson was abused. His mother has had 8 live in boyfriends in the last 11 years so I would say it is possible. He has denied being abused but I realize that he may not be telling the truth. The thing is, many of the things he did to my daughter were "porn" type things. He was caught looking at websites on his phone but I was never told until after I found out about the abuse. I feel like some of the things he did were learned through watching pornography. I'm certain he has undiagnosed mental health issues and I have always believed this. He is a good kid for the most part, but he has always had a really bad problem with telling lies. He doesn't show empathy for others. I've told my husband since he was about 5 or 6 that I believed he needed therapy but no one ever listened to me. They thought that since he wasn't getting in trouble or getting bad grades that everything was fine. About a year ago, my stepson started allowing my daughter to watch him play video games and started being somewhat nicer to her. I thought he was finally maturing. I wish I would have considered the possibility that he could be abusing her. It honestly never crossed my mind. I've always been a very careful parent. No one watches my children except grandparents. I became a stay at home mom to avoid daycare. I talked to my kids about body safety and telling if someone ever tried keeping secrets. I just never considered the possibility that I would have to watch out for family, let alone her brother. I am devastated over this. It has been over 5 months and I don't feel much better than I did then. I don't cry as often but I'm still a mess. My daughter is doing much better. The hardest part for her has been not seeing her brother. I know she may have issues in the future, but I will do whatever I can to help her.

yea I agree it might sound bad but just sling them out its too traumatic and possibly dangerous not to, that's what I have to do if the don't just go away at times, arguing where others were just concealing and or getting violent with me over the religion its too damaging to me. I mean how the hell was I at fault over religious ministers or the subsequent physical attacks ? in effect the priest had run me over on the sidewalk in a confessional you know no excuses hes liable, I was in effect a pedestrian victim reporting iit altho I do know how to, but he was the priest or priests not me and they were the reps not me, if you see what I meant it was his license
in his church not me, so he cant accuse me or for the wilful violence after, but when you get that where others start trying to make contact personally its just sling them out to me and im not a member of their faith so its not my problem. it might seem bad but if you can get them all out of it. xxxxx