I recently went home to my ex, living across the country, to get more of my stuff from the house ... the whole thing was a horrible mess but I'd like to discuss one particular moment with the support group... I think my ex gave me MDMA without me knowing it... but I don't know because I've never had MDMA. We had some life things to hash out about the house, about his daughter (who had become a daughter to me) I was never going to abandon her and I never will.

When my ex and I were together, if we disagreed on something, we would go camping and take a small amount of weed gummy and just relax and talk things out, it was calm and productive. I thought this situation would be the same. I had read a book called 'Conscious Uncoupling' - where the goal is to be friends with an ex, for the children to feel loved and safe through a seperation... coming from a very abusive childhood divorce I never wanted another child to go through this.

Trusting, I took this "homemade weed gummy" from my ex, not even thinking twice. It didn't taste like weed... but I thought, "maybe it's a low dose" or something I haven't tried... I am inexperienced in this, I don't like weed much because it gives me a headache and nausea so I avoid it. Weed is legal where I am. 

... the rest of the night was unique... I didn't feel a weed high. I felt really good. I picked up a caterpillar and loved it! The colors were so vibrant, it moved in such a beautiful way. We got on a fishing boat and I remember thinking "I guess I die this way" but I was totally calm, disconnected, just listening to my ex and watching the whole evening unfold. Not tired, not laughing, not nauseated, my pupils were huge (I saw this when I looked in the mirror), I didn't go talk to the neighbours because I knew I was incredibly high... His driving on the boat was erratic and dangerous. It was a stupid decision all around, I obviously see that now. When we got back he continued to push us having sex... I fully knew we wouldn't have sex and no was always my answer.... until I didn't say no and we had sex. And then I was rehooked in our "trauma love" chaos cycle, where he then controlled me verbally and physically the following days. He then expressed all these delusions to me that he knows his calling as a saint, here to protect his daughter and I from any harm and he's here to "abuse me until I stop being vulnerable". He said "I have some people I need to take care of" and he was physically threatening several people - not telling me who. He was absolutely serious and the stories went on for great length. He's been drinking a lot more since I left and later admitted to using cocaine during our entire relationship. I'm not sure if he took anything harder. 

It took me 3 or 4 days to put it all together... I just left feeling shame and sadness and confusion. I remembered how weird the high felt and how large my pupils were... my psychotherapist is asking me to consider this as rape. I did imply yes in the moment. I don't understand this experience and I haven't been able to make sense of it yet. 

My ex had always said if there was any drug he wanted to do with me it would be MDMA, this is why I think MDMA. But I don't actually know what happened or what drug I had. I didn't hallucinate. 

I have called child family services for his daughter's sake, she is living with her mom. I would call the police regarding his threats but I have no idea who he is actually referencing to harm or if these are all empty threats to scare me - I don't know what the police could actually do... I have no objective proof of anything and I constantly second guess myself because I didn't see any of this coming. 

I have now learned "Conscious Uncoupling" is only safe with safe people. I knew my ex wasn't good but he is greatly escalating. Please help if you have any insight or advice. Thank you for listening so I can make sense of the entire experience.