I can understand being terribly upset, enraged, frustrated, etc by this discovery - but suicidal? I am guessing this must have triggered something in you related to your own life. I strongly urge you to get counseling. The fact is, this will be hard enough for your wife to deal with in herself, yet she now has to deal with you too, and if your reaction is so extreme, there can be very little room for her to have her own reaction. Please see a therapist about this and explore the reasons behind the powerful feelings this has brought up in you. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your wife.

I know you say it is hard for you, but think about how your wife must be feeling. My husband found out about my abuse before the wedding and almost called it off because he didn't want my stepfather there. It was hard enough for me to tell him, but coping with his reaction as well meant that once again I was looking after somebody else's needs ahead of my own. I have spent a lifetime of hiding everything to protect everyone else.

At first I didn't want the grief and hassle and stress of reporting what had happened and I did not want to upset the apple cart. But, a year after disclosing to my mother what had happened I am finally ready to take the next step and seek justice for what happened.

For years I suffered black outs and self harmed because I had to see my abuser almost every other day. You say you find it difficult, think about her, everytime she sees him it will remind her what he did and that he is still free and happy.

She doesn't need your judgement on her decision to keep quiet, just your support and to know that if she does need to talk about it she can do, at the moment, she will know it upsets you and will most probably be holding things back from you so as not to upset you further. I did this with my husband and it left me feeling isolated and alone.

I'm not saying you are wrong for feeling the way you do, just that in this case, and I am reluctant to say this, but in this case, you need to reign in what you are feeling and be there for your wife. I am rambling and I know I am, but having been through this where I have had to tread on eggshells around everyone that I have disclosed to and apologise for upsetting them, and feel like I am to blame for causing their upset, it is something I can relate to. She will blame herself for everything. She shouldn't. Ther person to blame for all of it is her abuser.

You say your wife found out you knew, that says to me that she didn't tell you? I'm not saying force her to talk, but what I would say is sit her down and let her know that whenever she is ready to tell you exactly what happened, you are there. It may take many small conversations, one big long one, she may find it easier to write it in a letter to you. However she does it, you knowing from her, her own point of view, will better help you to support her. For now she has asked one thing from you, to leave it.

You are safe to talk here, to express all your frustrations and fears and feelings of helplessness. This is how you can protect her now. I hope this in no way causes offence and I hope there is at least one useful thing in here for you. If you want to talk, I am here, as are a lot of us :)