xKadi19x:
Welcome to the group, sorry you need to be here!
You need time.....lots of it. Forgiveness is often seen as the very last step of healing - and it is considered optional for many.
My own upbringing and belief pushed me to forgiveness, but the catch to that is you can "forgive" too soon. You really need to process, go through the emotional upheaval and really discover who you are and what exactly has been taken from you - then you have to retake that which was taken away.
If you have not done these basic steps of healing, then forgiveness can just become another way to escape the hard work.....and this is one project that the results are only as good as the work you put into it. I have talked to a lot of people about forgivness concerning abuse and those that chose to do this early found that they still had to work through the anger, the feelings of betrayal and all the negative muck that comes along with this act.
Once you are where you have healed all the parts of "you" that need healing, when you move from victim to survivor in all ways, then if you need to forgive, then please do so ---- it was a last act of healing for me, but many here do not think they need to forgive the ones that abused them. But for me, it was one last step to take in order to be more the person that I see myself as being.
But until you have truly processed all the hurt and residual results of the abuse, forgiveness is difficult and can really hinder the overall success of your journey. It is hard to forgive someone while still knowing that you harbor ill feelings about what the did, or as long as you still need to work on yourself due to their actions.
If you are still struggling with trust issues, then you still have some work to do. You can get through this and I believe God will understand your desire to forgive - but in this case it is SO much more than just words and really takes some time and effort to get there.
All my best - I expect you will receive a LOT of people telling you they can't forgive, but this is YOUR journey and you need to walk toward YOUR goals!
Refuse2quit

Refuse2quit answered it much better than I could. It has been many, many years for me and ...well...I used to be a believer and it was very important to forgive so I convinced myself I had. All I really did was bury it. I'm working through it now and when I am ready I will move past the anger and hatred. We all define "forgiveness" a little different but we all need to work through the hard stuff.

I agree with everything Refuse2quit says. Forgiveness happened for me towards the end of my healing process although I'm not quiet sure what I feel is actual 'forgiveness'. Instead I have a level of compassion for the abuser, who was a neighbor, where I can say "I understand that you had a rotten childhood yourself and because you were never loved you turned all your anger on others. I understand it was displaced anger and that when you hurt me you were also hurting". If I could remember who abused me I would not look him in the eye and say "I forgive you" but I could say "I'm sorry you were hurt so badly in your childhood". Then, I would bring him up on charges and fight until he was put in jail. He needs to pay for his crime no matter if I 'forgive' him or not. I often wonder if some people think that forgiveness means that the abuser shouldn't pay for their crime. I believe they should always pay for their crime.

I also agree that some never forgive and that is OK too. You need to do what is right for you. I also feel it would be much harder to forgive a parent or relative than a person not related to you. When it's a parent/relative the level of betrayal cuts so much deeper IMO.

Take care

xkadi19x welcome. Me and my family and my friends are very close. I was abducted at twelve and sexualy abused for over a week. Telling someone what has happened is the most difficult thing to do because you lost all trust in everyone and thats what is taken away from you, your innocence your trust in everyone when abused. Now we have to regain that trust within ourselves which is not an easy thing to do. Believe in yourself and not what someone else wanted to to be. Coming out of tragedy is possible. ( Believe).

( Hope To Cope ) Scott

it goes in steps. If you know anything about 12 step programs, they say every step is there because it has to be, and they have to be in that order.

Forgiving those who hurt us comes LAST. Before you get there you have to forgive yourself, process some pain, learn coping skills and grounding techniques that help, rebuild your ability to trust and feel safe... I could go on for an hour before I get to "forgiving the people that hurt you."

You'll get to it, after you do the things you need to do first.

Very well said everyone!

Hope that helps you xKadix - or at least gives you something to consider....
There really aren't a lot of set "rules" to healing from abuse, because everyone lived different lives and had different abuse experiences, but most any therapist I have talked to, including many that were faith-based, have said that forgiving an abuser prior to the healing process almost always makes the recover and healing a much longer process and more difficult.
When I was (much) younger and started my spiritual searching, a man of great faith told me to "Pray to God that he help you forgive AS you heal. - He understands." - That helped me immensely, because as time went by and memories returned, I remembered a LOT of things I had not forgiven the men who abused me for.
I think forgiveness, like healing, is a process.
All my best!
Refuse2quit-

I too thought forgivness was required of me so pushed myself to burry my emotions and called it forgivness. I'm not sure where I'm at in the healing process or even where to move tbh but I'm still trying and I'm getting stronger in myself each day which makes me proud and happy for now so we will see how it goes
Good luck being patient with urself is the most important thing imo

I once read something that pointed out Christ required people to repent of their sins before he forgave them.

Abusers usually don't repent their sins. They usually blame the person that they hurt.

If you do forgive, that does not mean they deserve a place in your life. They both lost that right. They have to earn that privilege back, prove themselves worthy.
Forgiveness also means letting go...and some people must be let go to keep oneself safe.

Hello everyone!
Not trying to start a theological debate, but in fact, Jesus taught that we should forgive each other freely, because we are all flawed. In the Judeo-Christian belief construct, it is God that requires us to ask forgiveness of our mistakes and misdeeds.
I have said it before, but believe it is worth repeating, a person learns to be forgiving for the betterment of themselves, not the person being forgiven.
But to forgive someone does not mean you will forget what they did, nor that they should not be held accountable for their actions. Abusive individuals need to be identified in order to not only hold them accountable, but to protect the current or future victims they most likely will perpetrate on. Repeat offences are high among sexual perpetrators and / or violent offenders which means that, in the majority of cases, such offenders will have not one, but MANY victims.
Again, IMO, to forgive someone of even the most heinous crimes takes strength, total understanding of your situation and condition, no uncertain amount of courage and be pretty well complete in their healing. I do see it as the final step, FOR ME, in "letting go" and moving beyond the abuse. The actual abuse is no longer a major focus of my life and the men who abused me rarely come to mind.
But as long as I carried the negative emotions of hatred, repulsion, fury, desiring vengeance, etc. around, these feelings corrupted me and my focus was almost entirely on the negativity in my life, while the abusers went about their days as usual. For me, forgiving the men who abused me was the only way I could somewhat return to the person I was before the abuse started, at least in my outlook.
So, that is my 4 cents worth!
Again, I emphasize - this is MY journey and how I have chosen to walk it. But when I find something that does work for me, I do like to share, in order to perhaps help someone else.
I support anyone's choice whether to forgive or not to forgive their perpetrator, and I respect their choice - sometimes the most empowering thing to possess is the knowledge that you get to decide your own path of healing.
All my best -
Refuse2quit

I may seem like a bad person here, but I don't think I can ever forgive my stepfather for what he did. More because he would never feel remorse for what he did. He wouldn't ever think of apologising and if I'm honest, how can someone apologise for that? It would take someone better than I to forgive I think and if you can do it I salute you. I hope you find what you need so that you find peace and I hope that you don't see this as negative or a slight on what you are wanting to do. Big hugs.

Elsok:
There really is no "Good" or "Bad" issue here in my mind. This isn't a value judgement, but a personal choice and you have every right to feel that way. I do know that at one time I could not have considered forgiveness but I have learned that we never really know what we will evolve into through-out our journey, so I leave a lot of options open. I try to always consider the option to change or re-evaluate where I am going.
I hope that whatever choice a person makes, it leads to strength, freedom and inner peace.
All my best
Refuse2quit

Elslok just because you can't forgive does not make you a bad person. During the healing process forgiveness is one of the things that comes last and for son never at all. I can never forgive my abductor this monster David Mitchell for taking me away from my family and doing what he did to me. These sick people can't stop. They do this sort of thing over and over until they're caught for the first time. David was caught and when to prison for what he did and als was murdered in prison for what he did. i guess you can say justice replaced forgiveness. I hope everyone in this group finds that special something deep within yourself that makes you feel whole. when you do hold onto it and never let anyone touch it.

( Hope To Cope ) Scott