Welcome, and sorry for what brings you here. Sometimes it takes a while to get a response to your post, but you will find good support here.

I believe I also have blocked memories, and I know how scary it is to feel something is going to be revealed. But as my friend here has reminded me, we have already lived through the worst of it and so we can definitely survive the healing. It may help to remind yourself that whatever happened happened a long time ago and you are safe now.

About your experience of sex currently - maybe you would enjoy it more if you were in a position of control? You probably won't feel pinned down if you are on top.

I can relate to your story I have the memories of what happened to my too when I was 6 and 10 to 14 then when I was 16 my therapist told me to join a support group but in scared too

Welcome to you too. It really does help to read other people's experiences - your own seem less shocking and abnormal. Although abuse ought to be highly abnormal, sadly, it's common.

Thanks for the support, Donnawanda. I've tried on top and it's unbearably painful. I've been to the doctors and there isn't a "medical" reason for the pain... I'm so eager to deal with this all but it's a slow process I realize I need to just ride out. I am learning how to deal with my visceral reactions to the memories trying to surface so I can stop blocking them out... I get so sick to my stomach. It's hard to focus on anything but the nausea.

Ashamed 42. It's maybe the scariest thing I've done and I'd done a lot to push myself out of my comfort zone... but, nothing here on this topic. It is just so hard when everything feels so confusing. Now, I have kids and I feel the pressure of needing to be repress in order to help care for them (maintain a happy face) but it's a defeating idea. I realize the best thing I can do for them, and me, is this... I just wish I had the ability to just deal with it and move on but my mind has a different timeline than my impatient self... My therapist talks about the inner child in me and needing to nurture her but I don't even know what that even means... I don't feel an inner child in me.

I do a lot of inner child work. I also tried to "move on" but the parts of me that were hurting manifested in ways that always held me back. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to deal with this now, as hard as it is.

I don't know how your work is manifesting in relation to your kids, but it might be a good idea to explain to them that mommy is working through something that happened long before you were born and she is going to be fine. Because kids always assume that any "problem" is their fault, so if mommy seems unhappy it must be their fault.

I've realized that moving in is staying stagnant so I see I have to do inner child work. I've read a lot about it since yesterday. At first the idea was absurd. Then, I felt really embarrassed but today I feel
Open to the idea. I just have to find. Way to start. I have a 1 year old girl and a 6 year old boy who is wise beyond his years. He does internalize everything around him. As if my life isn't complicated enough for him, his Dad- my dear husband- was diagnosed with bipolar the same time I finally started therapy. He got "jealous" I got to see a qualified therapist and finally started his journey to understanding himself. I think it's a good idea to tell my son. I'm not totally sure how much I should tell him but he's is definitely aware when I'm struggling and I make stuff up and I don't want him growing up confused or detached. Since I started therapy, and since my husband started medication, I have seen the most positive change in him. He engages in a lot of negative self talk. He's slowly finDing other ways to express his frustration and disappointment. We had him evaluated by the school district at the end of K bc we thought he needed special ed help. Turned out he is literally brilliant and beyond his age bracket with ability yet something is holding him back... I feel like I just emerged from a dark cave so I am
Positive I have affected him and I'm so happy to finally face my past so I don't have to stifle my son's.

You could consult your therapist about how to talk to your son. You definitely don't want to tell him the whole ugly truth at age 6, but at the same time what you say has to be the truth (just not all of it) because he will know if you are lying.

It sounds like your family is really growing, together. That's awesome! Not easy, but awesome.

I just also realized while thinking about your question- how it's manifesting in relation to my kids- I find myself panicked with every cuddle with my son. I feel like every touch is inappropriate: holding his hand, him sitting on my lap, or laying on me. I never realized it before. I realized how hard physical affection is for me in all situations, but, I didn't realize that the simplest of gestures of love feel really inappropriate to me. I'm so happy to realize this. I'm here now because I'm so sick of it all; sick of empowering my dad and his abuse.

I can relate. My kids are grown now but I rehect3d my daughter at a young age because her efforts to seek comfort in me triggered me. So tragic :' (