Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hello, a few weeks ago I told my friend that I was sexually abused by my father and since then more and more memories have started to resurface. I have always been good at locking them away, but the moment I verbalised what happened it has become harder. I think that is good because I told my friend with the intent of trying to get better. I have been wanting for so long to feel whole again or whole for the first time. Naturally this has been difficult because I basically hardwired myself to shut myself down when these emotions arise. I finally told my therapist for the first time a couple of days ago and she referred me to this site. So here I go trying to continue to get better no matter how much I want to fight it. I apologize in adavance for what I assume is going to be a very long post. This is my first and I do not really no how this sort of thing works or what to expect if I am being honest, but here we go. Like I said more memories are starting to resurface, but what is tormenting me the most is reliving the emotion I felt when it would happen. The emptiness that would consume me all those nights; the void that took the place of all other emotions. I really hate that feeling because the more I relive it the more I realize how much it has been with me all of my life. I guess I always knew, but never really wanted to face it. What is it like to be happy? That may sound odd, but I am genrerally curious. Anytime I think back to a "happy" memory I can't remember the feeling. I remember thinking that this should be a happy moment and if you were to ask me even now I would say it was because it was in the sense of everything happenening. But I never felt it, I wish I could say I have, but I can't. I'm sorry again if none of this makes any sense or if the sentences are scrwed up or hard to follow. I am just trying to do my best to get it all out right now. I don't know. All feelings I have or have had are all surface level. There for a moment, but always fleeting. No deep connection with anyone which pains me to say because I want to feel that. Even the friend I told about the event I don't feel it with. I don't know if I am trying to convince myself or anyone reading this, maybe a little of both. If I told her I must feel something towards her right, a strong enough connection to have opened up. If thats true then why can't I actually feel it. I feel the same as I do with anyone. Or maybe its because I am just trying to force a conneciton. As you can see I am lost and properly confused right now. My thoughts are just so jumbled up. This state of living is not living. I feel like a shell, something that was necessary at the time, but is now deterimental to my growth as a person, to the person I want to become. I really do want to feel, I want to feel alive and worth something because ultimatley that was what was taken away from me. Thats what my father took from me all those nights he climbed into my bed. Self-love, belief that I can be loved by another, true trust in someone other then myself, happiness... sorry I honestly do not know where to go from there. I have this habit of my mind going numb which I was told by my therapist its my brain saying its too much. Too much indeed. I can feel the pent up emotion, but I can only release a little at a time. I don't know. I think thats what this entire post boils down to; I dont know. Because I don't, I am in a new areana, one I thought I'd never enter and like anything you do for the first time kinda just guessing. Thank you for anyone who took the time to read this, sorry again that it was so long and all over the place.
I say all this to say, I get it, I understand! I felt like I was living with a monster and that at times I truly felt like I had a split personality disorder due to having to put on a happy/normal face for all of life while living a complete lie of normalcy within our home. It was nothing near normal!
I'm so proud of you for facing your abuse and finally getting it out in the open telling both a friend and a therapist, that's such a pivotal step in the quest for healing. I love and can relate with you saying you want to get healthy at all costs, it's going to take that to face each new stage ahead of you. There is hope and there is healing after sexual abuse. My sister and I are a testament to that. How it came about though was forgiveness. I know, hard subject!! Forgiveness, not because he deserves it, because frankly he doesn't. He stole your innocence and took away your ability to trust as a foundation. Forgiveness is a willful step forward to declare, "I will not be a victim any longer!" It's forgiving your dad, your abuse, any and all things related to it with the sole purpose of getting emotionally well and whole.
It took a very long journey and a ton of practice to get better at it. At first, it was with gritted teeth, in my mind and mouth declaring, "I forgive him." Each time ugly memories would surface, I would declare it again. Over time the ugliness got less and less and I would inch forward in healing. My sister literally did the same thing and began the slow process towards replacing terrible thoughts with simply letting go of the abuse and choosing to move on. For YOU! Not for anyone else, not because anyone else deserve it, just for you.
That shell you feel... it will allow you to chip away and actually begin to feel the loss, so this may be very hard to deal with, but keep at it. Journal, write letters to your dad that you may never intend to send or share with anyone. Get the anger out. Get the emotions out somewhere, it's healthy. I totally get the fact that you feel like you've never really gotten close or had someone you confide in or feel connected to. Classic childhood sexual abuse. My sister struggled too. Trust was broken at a young age from someone who was supposed to be your hero, not your abuser. Give yourself a break and realize that you are attempting to become whole and well again. The fact that you told your friend means that you trust that person enough to not hurt you and that you desperately want to heal... that's awesome!!!
You are stronger than you know! Please know that. Over the years I've found fantastic healing and strength from listening to and reading books that address healing from sexual abuse. My favorite author is Joyce Meyer, her book The Battlefield of the Mind, is wonderful, I highly recommend it. She too was sexually abused by her father her entire childhood, she helps people understand that you can have victory over the mental battle. You can find her book on Amazon or any book supplier online. I pray that you will find relief from your pain, it's worth the journey. You are loved and you are worth the effort of going through this journey. You are not alone.
Anonymous your story about life after abuse sounds way too familiar. I am recovered as much as I want to be, and in some ways my abuse was much easier than yours, i think it is far worse when it is a parent, because there is a particular violation of the trust that children need to have with their parents.
It is that trust and bond that gives us confidence and security in life. In ways I had that because both my parents were loving, in ways I never had it because, it was impossible for me to accept being loved.
I didn't actually remember my abuse until I started facing all my shame and guilt over behaviors I had as a child. I had no idea I was only acting out, which other children and even animals, the same actions I was taught by my perpetrator.
What I did remember was nightmarish. I remembered coaxing little girls into the bushes at school, between the ages of 4(started when I was four) and 8 (ended when I was 8) Even worse, I remember acting out with our family pet, a cat named dusty. She was soft, and I did things that gave me such horrifying shame for so many years, I buried it and hated myself over it most my life.
What else I remember and always have was self injury, from the age of four until I was 36. I was victimize for six months, but then I victimized myself for 32 years. I also remember way to much sexual activity from the age of 4 to 8, and virtually none after 8 years old with others but I was addicted to porn and masturbation. I also was addicted to something I called suicidal idealization, basically wishing (from the age of four) that I did not exist, and from 8 forward, I was totally suicidal. My first suicide attempt I was 11, then again at 19, with a total of 5 and the last one prevented by someone who actually convinced a judge to have me committed in time to stop me (I was on my way to immolate myself. had bought the gas and was heading for somewhere no one would find me in time)
I did not accept love. IF i felt good i hated it because i felt like I did not deserve to feel good so, I would self harm. If I felt bad I hated it, because i felt like i deserved it and again I would self harm. I was always overwhelmed by anything i felt and relief came in self harm, or drugs or gambling or suicidal fantasy or suicide attempts..
Somehow I managed recovery from drugs working 12 step program, I confronted the gambling and worked recovery in that for many years, didn't even understand the self injury till I was 34, and applied 12 step work to it and my sexuality. Began recovering memories after i found a decent psychologist and started the horrifying process of facing all my shame. I remember being determined, to speak that which I wanted to say the least, or had never told a single person, first. After more than a year of this twice a week, I began to uncover memories.
I didn't believe in recovered memories either. I thought all that was hogwash. Until I began to remember. When I began to remember, it was traumatic. There were countless nights I spent screaming into my pillow and crying myself to sleep, or curled up in a ball on the floor of my closet.
I never cared enough about myself to get better for me, but others loved me, and I did the work because, I couldn't bear to cause them more suffering than I already had. They wouldn't let go of me, and that saved my life. Particularly my mom.
I am 56 now. I have been free from my perpetrator and all the horrors she gave me for 20 years now. I am stable, comfortable, peaceful, even joyful and happy. My life is full of love. I spent practically all my time and money working to help anyone who wants to recover, from any addiction or abuse.
I can share any detail of what was done to me, or what I did after, without being overwhelmed or hurting too much. It still hurts to remember, but those memories are healthy now, not nightmares, not fears. It keeps me motivated to help anyone I can recover. If you think i might help you, feel free to message me. I dont push or betray confidence, been doing this a long time and i know its painful, but its worth it. You are worth the effort. Putting this here, that was brave of you. take care of yourself.