Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I was walking through town, getting to my therapy appointment, we I realised my step father was walking towards me. I don't know if he saw me, but I abruptly crossed the walkway to get as far as possible from him. It made me feel sick seeing him. I also had very strong visuals of just walking up to him and punching him in the face. I felt so guilty for feeling that way. Why do I feel so guilty for wanting him to hurt? And I do want him to. I want someone to hurt him as much as he hurt me. And that feels wrong. If there was a button I could press to make him disappear forever, I'd not stop pressing it until someone got the point. And that makes me think I'm a terrible person.
You are not a bad person and that is clear when you say you feel guilty for wanting to see him hurt. You are a good person - that is very clear to me.
If you had strong visuals of punching him in the face then go with that visual. Punch a pillow and imagine his face there. Punch it as much as you need to until that anger is out of you. When I wanted to punch the man who abused me I got a body size pillow and drew a face on it. I drew the head and neck. The face had no eyes because he had no right to see me. He had no nose because he didn't deserve to breath and he had a mouth but it was sewn shut because he didn't deserve to speak. All things he did to me. When I was angry I would strangle that pillow, kick it, punch it and throw it up against the wall. I did this for several months until I got all that anger out. This may work for you too.
Take care
If you were a "bad" person, you would never give your impulse a second thought - you would either act on it or just feel good about wanting to see him in pain. I think the fact that you feel bad even wanting someone like him to hurt shows the depth of your personality. Not that it is bad to want to see such - many of us have spent many an hour envisioning a "hell on earth" for the people who abused us. I think it is just natural to want to see an abusive person punished. His guilt is obvious to you and so of course you want to see some form of justice done. But you are also showing that you are a kind and caring person who cannot see themselves as harmful or abusive to others.
That counts -- a LOT.
All my best
Refuse2quit