Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Recently I have been thinking about what happened to me, it's been at least five years since I was raped by him, but I can't get the image of his face out of my head. Date rape, it's the most common, so they say. I used to frequent a country bar, I'd go with friends, seldom drank, just had a good time. The bouncers are supposed to protect you, right? Well... Not this one. We'd chatted frequently, flirted a bit, and I gave him my number before leaving one night. Sounds like the start of a "she asked for it" story, doesn't it? We texted, planned to meet up and go for coffee... We met up at his place, he wanted to stay in and watch a movie, I agreed. I had made it really clear via text that I wanted to get to know him before anything happened, and he agreed. He agreed until he forced himself on me, until he forced my clothes off, and had sex with me. Over the years, I've blocked out a lot of the memories, but I reread some old journals and retraumatized myself. I had forgotten he hadn't used a condom, I had forgotten I boldly (and stupidly?) texted him to accuse him of raping me, telling him to stop next time when a woman says no and tries to push him off. Telling him that a woman who lies there not moving, because she's given up fighting, isn't a woman who wants to participate. I told him he raped me. And then I went back to that bar, and I saw him again and again and again... He never approached me, he must have known better. That's not what I'm upset about today though. Like the title says, I'm apparently a glutton for punishment. I decided to look him up on facebook, I don't know why, I just found myself doing it without realizing it. Then I saw on his page, workplaces, security at the mall right beside my office. The mall I go in at least once a week. I suddenly felt panicked, now afraid to go in that mall. Afraid that he may be there, afraid he'll see me, afraid he'll approach me... I shouldn't be afraid, he hasn't made an attempt... Does he not remember me? Does he not remember what he did? Every time I went back to that bar, I knew he would be there. I prepared myself in advance, I went back repeatedly to desensitize myself, I refused to shut down because of him, I refused to boycot my favourite bar because of him... but to know he might be in the mall, right next door, he could follow me and approach me... Would he though? He never has... I feel like my fear is unwarranted, the panic in my chest is unneccessary, he may not even work there anymore, but what if...?
I don’t have much advice except to say that myself and the DS community is here for you. I know exactly how you feel. Even though my perpetrator lives thousands of miles away, I was still afraid of seeing him because I knew he would travel to my area for work. It’s finally gotten better, but that is only because I have been empowered by pursuing justice for myself, but it has been 6 years since I’ve actually seen him.
Maybe you could get someone to go with you when you go to the mall? It’s unlikely he knows where you work, but I understand the fear of running into him. Even if it may seem illogical, there’s something inside that always keeps worrying. But you don’t have to let him near you, and if you do see him, you can move into a public place where he is unlikely to do anything so he doesn’t draw attention to himself. I’m really sorry you have to think about him working so close to your work though :(. It’s unlikely that he would follow or approach you, but your fear is normal and justified.