Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I am having a huge struggle and need input if this has ever happened to them. Me and my friend Susie have been friends since we were young, and it was her step father that molested both of us and raped me when I was 12. Our relationship has been tested in everyway, when she was going to report John (the asshole who did this to us) I was right beside her, we went to the police and did a statement, and we did the preliminary hearings and had enough evidence to go to court in front of a Jury. Once we got involved with the police we had to be seperated because if we were going to court we couldn't have our evidence tainted, so that began what was a rough time in our relationship the next time we actually got to spend any time together was the day of our court apperence, John the perp was there staring us down, it was awful we must of stood in front of those doors to the courtroom for a good 45 minutes before the baliff came out and said out date had been remanded. Both disappointed and relieved in one way, me and Susie parted seperate ways. Throughout the years Susie contacted me, usually by the pressing of her mother to get money and some sort of service for me, and we would begin to connect again, and i thought we would be in each others lives together. But it would only last a week then she would diappear by standing me up on one of our planned "dates" and i wouldn't talk to her for a year or 2.
Well now about 6 months ago, she got ahold of me and promised me that she had changed and she was a christian and she wanted to make amends and my heart was so distroyed by her that i told her i had to wait and see,I told her I forgived her for all the crap she pulled on me but it was going to take time before i trusted her again, and over the 6 months she was different, she was trying, she was putting an effort into the relationship, more then I was honestly, and about a month ago, I finally believed that she had changed, and i opened my heart to her again, thinking that we could be friends, in each others lives to share both our struggles of what we experienced together.
Well 2 days ago, I got a text message from her and it said "I WANT TO DIE". Well i'm 3500 miles away from where she lives and i couldn't get to her, and i tried to talk to her trying to find out what was wrong, but she continued with talking about death, and i take suicide very seriously so i called her fiance and got her address and called the cops on her, she left her apartment so no one could find, her, thank god they did. But she lied to them and told them that she is "fine" I realized then that she just wanted attention, and i can handle that what i can't handle is her doing it that way.
So i told her that it was rude for her to just text message her and not answer her phone when there was a serious situation. So i let her know unless she was willing to talk on the phone, i wasn't going to communicate with her.
Well the next day her fiancee had sent me a text message saying that Susie was doing okay and things had calmed down, and then Susie shortly after that send me a vindictive message saying that she didn't need to give me an update cause her fiancee had already done it.
I lossed it i called her and let her have it, I told her that if she was just say she wanted to die for attention that i would have nothing to do anything, i had to do something i was far away and I had been through this exact same situation with my mom a bunch of times, and never called the cops and let her control how much i worried about her and stressed me out, I swore that if it ever came back again I would call the cops and ask questions later.
So now i'm dying inside we have been attached together since the molestation, and our experiences with John.I feel like shit, I know i did the right thing i knew i needed to stand up for myself but my heart is so torn apart she is the only one that has that effect on me, and i don't know how to seperate, i flash back to being molested and being raped and i just sit and want life just to pause in a good moment. But i can't get over Susie, I set my rules down for susie and i'm actually afraid that she'll abandon me again, like she's done before and i will lose the only person that has something in common with, and that's the pain we both suffered at the hands of a bastard.
What do I do?? I am lost
Well now about 6 months ago, she got ahold of me and promised me that she had changed and she was a christian and she wanted to make amends and my heart was so distroyed by her that i told her i had to wait and see,I told her I forgived her for all the crap she pulled on me but it was going to take time before i trusted her again, and over the 6 months she was different, she was trying, she was putting an effort into the relationship, more then I was honestly, and about a month ago, I finally believed that she had changed, and i opened my heart to her again, thinking that we could be friends, in each others lives to share both our struggles of what we experienced together.
Well 2 days ago, I got a text message from her and it said "I WANT TO DIE". Well i'm 3500 miles away from where she lives and i couldn't get to her, and i tried to talk to her trying to find out what was wrong, but she continued with talking about death, and i take suicide very seriously so i called her fiance and got her address and called the cops on her, she left her apartment so no one could find, her, thank god they did. But she lied to them and told them that she is "fine" I realized then that she just wanted attention, and i can handle that what i can't handle is her doing it that way.
So i told her that it was rude for her to just text message her and not answer her phone when there was a serious situation. So i let her know unless she was willing to talk on the phone, i wasn't going to communicate with her.
Well the next day her fiancee had sent me a text message saying that Susie was doing okay and things had calmed down, and then Susie shortly after that send me a vindictive message saying that she didn't need to give me an update cause her fiancee had already done it.
I lossed it i called her and let her have it, I told her that if she was just say she wanted to die for attention that i would have nothing to do anything, i had to do something i was far away and I had been through this exact same situation with my mom a bunch of times, and never called the cops and let her control how much i worried about her and stressed me out, I swore that if it ever came back again I would call the cops and ask questions later.
So now i'm dying inside we have been attached together since the molestation, and our experiences with John.I feel like shit, I know i did the right thing i knew i needed to stand up for myself but my heart is so torn apart she is the only one that has that effect on me, and i don't know how to seperate, i flash back to being molested and being raped and i just sit and want life just to pause in a good moment. But i can't get over Susie, I set my rules down for susie and i'm actually afraid that she'll abandon me again, like she's done before and i will lose the only person that has something in common with, and that's the pain we both suffered at the hands of a bastard.
What do I do?? I am lost
I know that you and Susie are so far apart right now...is there any way you could rebuild your relationship with her slowly so that you can each gain trust in each other? That way there is less likelihood of her abandoning you again. Also, would you be able to express your concerns to her about her abandoning you?
Does Susie suffer from PTSD? I've talked to other PTSD sufferers and have noticed that there is a common thread with abandonment issues...when people get too close, we tend to push them away, we abandon them and run. I fight against this tendency in so many of my relationships...its difficult because I freak out when people get too close.
I really hope that things work out for the best....whatever that may be. (((HUGS)))
I'm almost a mirror image of what she's going through, i don't need to be played with, this stunt she pulled has set be back so far back i'm confused and lost, i know better then to throw death in someones face for attention.
I think that in light of what you are going through, you may have to seriously rethink your relationship with Susie...if you are not in a good place right now, then perhaps she shouldn't be in your life if she is going to put you in a bad place or set you back in your healing.
I know that you have a special bond with her, however, you need to put yourself and your healing first. Maybe after both of you have both healed a little more, you can see if re-visiting your friendship is a possibility? You don't have to shut her out of your life forever.
You handled this very well and did all the right things. And to have the wherewithal to do the right things even in the midst of your own difficulties, well, that's saying something.
You were right to take Suzie's "I Want to Die" text message seriously. Don't let it bother you that it later appeared to be just to get attention. Many suicidal gestures ARE just to get attention. But some are serious, and you can never know for sure which is which - heck, sometimes the person themselves doesn't know what their intentions are. I am convinced that many gestures that are later passed off as 'merely' gestures after the person calmed down really COULD have gone the other way if there hadn't been an intervention. I heard it stated in a seminar that 90+ percent of people who make suicidal gestures never actually commit suicide, But those who do end up doing it make an average of five gestures beforehand. And of course there are those who do it with no warning but that's not the norm.
You were also right to set 'rules' for further dialogue. People who have been molested have had their personal boundaries violated in a big way. As a result, sometimes they become experts themselves at violating other peoples boundaries, at least emotionally, and yanking people's chains. Setting rules can be a good starting point and a useful reality check; it also puts the impetus on them to stay within the rules and relieves you of the burden of being 'anything and everything' to them.
If you don't want to cut Suzie off completely, but also don't want to be burdened with endless "I want to die" calls, here's what I recommend:
First, find out who the go-to person is for suzie is in such cases. Best of all possible worlds would be if she's already working with a particular counselor or therapist and they're set up to take 'emergency' calls. Let's call this resource 'Dr. X'. When suzie calls you with one of these calls, you say "Let's call Dr. X and talk to him about it". If she's merely making an idle gesture, this can defuse it. If she's erious, then you'll have the proper resources at hand. Either way, it's win-win. This can be tricky though, because frequently there'll be an answering service or paging service involved which means waiting on a callback which can be tricky without a second phone line or the right services on your one phone line. Best to work out the logistics ahead of time.
Sometimes this just isn't possible. Second best choice is to call the police. You did the right thing here also. Preferably the police in suzie's jursidiction, but if you don't have that number at your fingertips, call your own 9-1-1 and they'll be able to relay it to the right place. But unless it's absolutely necessary, don't hang up on suzie in order to call 9-1-1. Have someone else call the police while you keep suzie on the line, if that's at all possible.
While you've got Suzie on the line waiting for the police or others to respond, try to talk about anything and everything EXCEPT the situation at hand; leave that to the pros. If she needs to rant and blow off steam, don't cut her off, but just use every opportunity to steer the conversation in other directions. Talk about the weather, old times, good times y'all shared together, favorite songs, TV shows, what she had for lunch today, what she'll have for lunch tomorrow - always with the presumption that there WILL be a tomorrow. Talk about anything and everything.
With some suicidal people, it can sometimes help to point out the people who will be hurt if they do it. But specifically with abuse victims, I personally don't recommend this approach. Sometimes abuse victims want to do it to either hurt or 'teach a lesson to' either the abuser or those whom they feel haven't been paying sufficient attention. In these cases, it's best not to go down that road.
The goal of all this is to take the spotlight off you as the go-to person, yet keep you in the loop as a friend and facilitator.
I'm actually wrestling with a kinda similar situation myself. My friend who got me to finally come forward and tell my parents about my abuse keeps coming into my life, being sweet and kind and there for me for a couple weeks then just disappearing, won't call, won't text, won't e-mail, and won't respond to anything I say to him. Then he just shows up, 4-6 months later (more or less) and uses whatever he can to make him just walking off without explanation my fault. I was talking too much about the abuse, I couldn't be happy, I couldn't see hope... hello genius who thinks he knows so much, I'm going through a horribly hard time right now, it's HARD to shut up, be happy, and see the sunny side.
But, as horribly as he is treating me I don't want to give up. I will even let him blame me for things that are about him, let him yell at me for things he is doing etc. Mostly because of what we have been through together and what he symbolizes for me.
But I am realizing something, it can't be about what he represents, it can't be about who he once was. It has to be about who he IS. And who he IS, is not a good person to me. So, yeah, I am still struggling with letting him go (he's not talking to me again) and not fighting to get him back in my life, but, it's probably my best move.
So that's my advice to you, to the best of your ability, take away what you two have been through together, take away what she represents, and take a long hard look at who she IS and how that person makes you feel. Then listen to that little voice.
Good luck, and I am here if you need me
Persephone
Mrsdough