The first thing I want to say is I am deeply sorry you are suffering and that you were abused. I know first hand how life altering and damaging it can be. There are some things that make it worse. You mentioned hiding from your father. Having a parent who is our abuser makes it significantly worse. Our parents are supposed to protect us and support us and nurture us. When we receive abuse from people who are supposed to be trustworthy, it damages us in more ways.

I also want to tell you I am proud of you for telling a friend, and telling your therapist. It is a very very difficult thing to do, to express such horrific suffering to another person. It requires some trust and humility but for me it was a path to healing.

I also want to tell you that I am in tears. i dont know you. I dont know your age or sex or race. It does not matter. Your suffering, matters.

I suffered also. I was molested and tortured by a babysitter. It began when I was four, and lasted less than a year but, it had a dramatic and profound affect on my life in multiple negative ways.

my abuse was so traumatic I suffered what is called traumatic memory loss. I did not remember the abuse until years later, and the memories I uncovered in therapy were odd and disjointed.

No matter about me though, my story is written. I have recovered as much as possible. First I hope you are not still living under the same house as your abuser. IF this is the case, and you are underage please seek help to get the freak out of there. You do not mention if the abuse is ongoing or past, it seems from your post that it is past. If it is ongoing, tell me the state you live in and I will get numbers for you to seek help.

IF it is past, you have just taken the first small brave painful excruciating steps to healing. Sometimes what we have to do to get better and gain control over our lives and our emotions and feel healthy is nearly as painful and traumatic as the abuse. It is incredibly hard, and it takes humility and willingness to put yourself through things you do not want to do or talk about.

I know about hiding in the closet. I was still doing that when i was in my thirties. I know about panic attacks. still had them in my thirties also. I didnt actually begin healing until I was 36, which was 20 years ago. One thing that helped me, was I determined to tell my therapist first, the things or thing I wanted to speak about the least. It was hard. I had so much shame and guilt over all the acting out I had done.

YOu are welcome to friend me. you are welcome to remain anonymous. I care I have been through it, and if there is any way I can help you heal I am willing. Take care of yourself.

joeyruready, thank you for your support and this is all in the past experiences. I do not know when it started, but lasted until I was 8. I no longer live with him. I am sorry to hear about what you went through as well, no matter how short of a time period it is still unacceptable and horrific what you experienced. It does always give me a little bit of hope though to know other people have made it through these terrible events. As much as I hate every part about talking about it or admitting it occurred I know I have to keep pushing through because I REFUSE to live like this anymore. This is all new to me, but I'm glad to know I can reach out to you if I need to. I can't say for certain that I will because I am still getting use to talking to it, but I think it would help as well to talk to someone who has been through it. Idk, either way thank you again.

286, this is how i feel about it, Dont be sorry for me. I am alive, safe, healthy, loving and actually enjoying life. I am loved and I love fiercly and with passion, I am gentle kind loving, I am free. Most abuse survivors do not recover. My abuse left me suidical, the first time I tried to kill myself I was 11, the last time I was 36, my life was torture.

I can talk about every detail of my abuse, not only at the hand of the perp, but also at my own hand for so many years after. Love carried me through it all, even when I couldnt didnt wouldnt, I still loved and was loved. You are loved also. Feel it, know it never forget it and if you do, talk to me and I will remind you of it by loving you. We are family us survivors, we get it when others cant, and i dont want others to get it either, understanding this suffering hurts too much for me to want anyone I love to get it, but then I love alot of survivors.

When we talk about it, we are with every word taking back control of our lives. We are killing the control our abuser established over us. Speak about it to anyone who will listen and if some refuse fine others, if some act poorly walk away. Take back your life. Its hell in the beginning, When I started therapy, I had victimized others so often but there was one victim who was innocent, that stopped me. hated me. a noose in my living room was my comfort. Any time at all i could stop all my pain, but only at the cost of harming others who loved me. its not a way out we need,, its a way through. I am here, I will listen, if you want my number use it text me. I wont give up i dont care how you act i only care about helping you get better. whatever it takes. I was determined when i finally got in therapy to speak that which i wanted to talk about the least, first. That is how I got better. My therapist cautioned me about speaking about it too much to people outside certain groups, most ppl cant handle the truama of hearing about our trauma. I get it. Dont subject unwilling ppl to your story. I am willing. write it down burn it, write it again over and over. whatever it takes. you are worth the effort. I am sorry its hard but its worth it. never give up on you.