The body does remember it's called cellular memory. I first heard of this 25 years ago from a spiritual healer i was studying under, Recently western medicine have been talking about this, like it's their great discovery. I'm have the same feelings too when intimate, I just do my best to focus on the here and now, yet it is tough. Also a lot of counselling has helped also. Hope this helps and take great care of yourself, Blaine

The brain works by associations. For example, for one person the smell of roses will remind them of a certain place that had roses nearby. Another would be reminded of her mother's perfume, a third person would smell roses and have no clear association with that sensation.

By processing old negative memories, you weaken their associations with other sensations. Exposure therapy, journals, telling the story so often your trauma starts to BORE you, all these things help weaken associations.

Also, learn to make NEW associations for those sensations. If the smell of peanut butter is a trigger, go feed peanut butter to squirrels in the park every Sunday. After a few weeks, that sensation gets re associated to the cutest squirrel you fed.

Applying this concept to your specific sensation memories would be tricky but not impossible.

How do I process old memories if one of the issues is that I don't have the clearest memory of what happened. I remember the events like a snapshot in time. Almost like an out of body experience. I can see what happened, but I do not remember if I said "no" or tried to fight him off. I do not recollect how I felt in the moment. Was I scared?Confused? Or did I enjoy it because he was like a brother to me? I feel like these unanswered questions block me from fully understanding and processing what happened to me. So many people say, "don't try to remember" just go forward and deal with the consequences of the abuse. If I was scared in the moment, and the way I dealt with the situation was to freeze and dissociate then maybe that's why I respond in this way to being touched.

For memory fragments it is tricky.

Do NOT go to a hypnotist. Under hypnosis, I could ask you to describe the time a panda bear bit you. I assume you've never been within a mile of a panda. But under hypnosis your mind tries to fill in gaps. So you'd tell me all about it in graphic detail, and when i brought you out of it, you'd be panda-phobic.

If you don't remember details, the not remembering part could be more traumatic than whatever actually happened.

Perhaps the best approach is to form NEW mental associations in ways that won't trigger old ones.

In phobias, if someone is afraid of spiders, you get them to READ about spiders. then look at photos. Then look at one in a glass box from 20 feet away. Then 10. and so on until the patient can see one and not feel a bit of fear. Desensitization.

Perhaps you could write a story where you are touched, and it goes well. Try that as a 1st step to desensitizing yourself to the idea, and to form NEW associations to replace the old ones. Or specifically the ABSENCE of old memories that causes the confusion.

So you mean write fictitious stories where I am being touched and I actually let myself enjoy it?

The theory is, you find the most "distant" way to expose a person to an idea you can think of, and start there. then as the client gets COMFORTABLE with that step, you move to the NEXT most remote way. And I know it sounds like writing TWILIGHT fan fiction but it's the most remote I can think of right now. Or if you're a decent artist, drawings or paintings could work?