I'm so sorry you are going through this. The way your husband is treating you inexcusable. Are you able to get away from him? Do you have a safe place to go or a woman shelter where you are? Your husband is raping you. He is not entitled to your body just because he is your husband.
As far as the memories....I have found counseling very helpful in dealing with them.

I agree with CecilBGreen, he is raping you. I'm so sorry this has happened and is happening to you. I'm really glad you reached out to this forum. I will be thinking about you and your situation today. Is he physically abusive to you in other ways aside from the rape? Is he emotionally abusive? You might want to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE. I think your first priority is safety. Being safe will help with the flashbacks immensely. Then you can get into therapy or a support group. I hope you will keep us updated on your progress.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with Cecil and Twyliah that you may want to consider going to a women's shelter. You are your first priority and getting yourself to a safe place is crucial at this point. I can imagine that must be hard to do. But you are worthy of living a wonderful and safe life.

I am not surprised that the abuse of your husband has triggered memories and flashbacks. It has been my experience that once the flashback has been triggered there is no stopping it. Get yourself to a safe place, find a good therapist and, in time, the flashbacks will stop.

Please keep chatting with us. We will help as much as we can.

Take care of yourself

Your husband is raping you and I am sorry that you are going through this. Counseling would be the best option to deal with the memories. Memories do not go away but down the road they will not hurt as much as you start to heal from what has happened.

You start by reporting him to police and get a restraining order. He's raping you and no matter how scary it may .....no survivor should ever be subjected to a husband so callous and insensitive that he thinks jits okay to force you sexually.
I'm not you and shouldn't be telling you what "you" must do but please take care of that little girl inside and protect her. She's used to being powerless but the adult you isn't and I know on some level what he's doing is killing you. Please do the right thing and put an end to it. Or find a domestic violence center in your area and go there but first tell him you won't accept it anymore and if it happens again you'll press charges. I promise your self esteem will jump dramatically. It's unacceptable! Please take care of her and yourself, your life and self respect depends on it!

Please get to safety, he has no right to abuse you like this!

first you get away from your husband. what he's doing to you is rape.

unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to "erase" your painful memories, though. they are coming back to you because they need to be dealt with. deal with the situation you are presently in first by getting out of it, then get yourself into some good therapy to deal with the pain of your past.

i'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation.

I do hope you are taking the good advice that you have already gotten - many men still see women as property and then they are able to do with them what they want. I worked as a DV advocate for 10 years and can tell you that the abuse will MOST likely escalate - once a partner has broken the trust and crashed the boundaries as your husband has, it rarely stops or reverses without INTENSE therapy - and this rarely happens and SHOULD NOT happen while you are still together - he can get angry over something you say to a therapist and take it out on you at home. Are there children in the home? If so, believe me, they know that something is going on. Children pick up on the stress in a relationship like a magnet picks up iron shavings.
I do hate that you, and many others are going through this. It is inexcusable. Of course it brings back flashbacks and bad memories - because it IS abuse. There really is no "erasing" the bad memories, just desensitizing the pain involved - and that takes work and therapy can really assist you with this. But you really need to get away - as you are in Illinois, I know the law there - you are entitled to services free of charge through a Women's Center and there is money to assist you through the Victim's of Crime act. Do seek help - this will not just "go away" and as devastating as it already is, it could get worse.
All my best - let us know how you are.
Refuse2quit

I can't prove he does this to me. We are separated, but I still live here with him and our two kids. I have mentioned to him that he raped me and he said that Illinois does not acknowledge that marriage rape law. He thinks that because he pays all the bills and have all the money I am suppose to submit. He tried to use the Bible and everything. I am not trying to go to court just to be embarrassed because I can not prove it. I do think his sexual desire is serious. He said he would even pay for it. If we had girls, I would suspect him of fondling them!

I don't scream no or stop. I just lay there or I just perform oral sex. Tears escape, but I don't say much of anything.

I did get a restraining order. I enjoyed my time away from him. I enjoyed it so much that I did not go back within the two weeks and extend it. I ended up letting him come back.

Maybe I am too weak or scared to leave. I will be finished with college in December. I just keep telling myself to try to hang in there till I get my bachelors degree. Let him support me till then.

Also, the flashbacks I have are of my childhood when I was getting molested by my brother and when I was a teen having sex made me feel wanted, pretty, then after I would feel abandoned then used.

Zanta:
Every abuse victim has reasons to stay - and usually they are financial. I can understand what you are saying - it is sometimes easier to stay than to go, but it is more damaging if you do. It is also more dangerous. And as far your husband's knowledge of Illinois law - he is full of shit. the below quote is from this website:

http://open.salon.com/blog/ronp01/2009/10/29/the_law_of_spousal_rape_domestic_violence_awareness_month

"While all states recognize spousal rape as a crime, still, there are ways in which spousal rape is treated differently than non-spousal rape. One difference in some states is a reporting period which is shorter for spousal rape than for other crimes. In Illinois, "prosecution of a spouse of a victim under this subsection ...is barred unless the victim reported such offense to a law enforcement agency or the State's Attorney's office within 30 days after the offense was committed, except when the court finds good cause for the delay."
Now, as you have had an OP and then accepted him back into the home, there may be a few new caveats - but a good Women's Advocate can help you. Below I have provided two links to Women's Centeres in Rockford, Illinois - please use them or go to one of your choice.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&ved=0CEEQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.niwc-rockford.com%2F&ei=F2nsUduTFOOGyQHYhoGwDw&usg=AFQjCNHHiRORxSRbSDSwR-8XvlBksiwhVw&bvm=bv.49478099,d.aWc

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&ved=0CCwQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rockfordhealthsystem.org%2Fwomens-services&ei=F2nsUduTFOOGyQHYhoGwDw&usg=AFQjCNFKFNimo5sytlCuYH9KFAhMrc1G6g&bvm=bv.49478099,d.aWc

Please do get help - you may think you can wait, but with someone that is so demanding, you never know when he will want to do something new and more violent. He is following the exact tactics that the majority of abusers use - coercion, bible quoting, "quoting" laws that are not correct....I bet he romanced you all over again, before you let him return, with lots of hollow promises that were gone within a day or so of crossing the threshold - correct? Perhaps not, but he sounds like a pretty "run of the mill" abuser - they do have patterns and habits, just like any predator. As far as proving it? Again, back to the Women's Center - they can show you how that is done.
And do you not think he is aware you graduate in December and will be able to provide for yourself and your kids once that happens? I speak from experience - you are in a VERY dangerous situation as most abusers will do whatever it takes to keep their "property" at home and under their thumb. You really need to realize the danger you are in for the closer you get to graduation, the more unstable he is going to become.
Take care and let us know how you are - I for one am very concerned - you have a "bomb on two legs" living in the house with you and your children - and again, I am not sure of their ages, but I bet they know that something is occurring between you and he - they may be all the "proof" you need. And if they are boys, your husband is setting an example of how to treat women and wives, whether you know it or not. Do this for yourself and you children - get him out of your lives.
All my best-
Refuse2quit

I think R2Q's advice might save your life.

Please be safe.