Hi Star,

I would love to jump up and say yes, it gets better but really it depends on you. It takes work, commitment and dedication. It's not easy but it is worth it.

You aren't damaged and you certainly aren't worthless. The shame should be with your dad's friend and not with you. You were in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM at fault for what happened to you whether you wanted attention or not, you were the child and he was the adult. It is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to set limits and boundaries with children and he crossed the line.

I am sure mythic isnt the first to tell you that it wasnt and isnt your fault, but it is very true. I still have bouts with thinking or speaking of my abuse as if it were my fault. My counselor reminded me I have been slipping and doing so again lately.
Its the hardest part of learning to thrive again for me. I can only offer the advice that works for me. Ask yourself if the child being abused were my child(or any other child you are close to) would it be their fault? My answer is always no. There is nothing a child could do to cause that sort of treatment. At that point in your life, thats exactly who you were...a child.
I sometimes see my abuse through my "adult" eyes. I think because seeing it through my "child" eyes leaves me feeling too vulnerable.
You arent damaged, far from it. Getting help will make you feel empowered..then think of what you can accomplish! If we can conquer those things...our potential is endless.

Agreed with Mystic1 !!

I tell my inner child every night it wasn't his fault and that he was innocent and didn't deserve it. He is starting to soften and the tears are starting. Sadness is starting to replace the self hate. The shame is starting to lessen. You can't think your way out of shame. It has to come from your core being expressing compassion for that hurt child and it takes time.

Thanks for replys I just can't seem to get out myself out of this dark self blame that I have been feeling like I must have done something to lead him on, like something inside me made him do those things to me and what he made me do to him. I think makes it harder for me is I have no one in my family believes me or don't like it when I try and talk about what happen to me , so I keep it bottled up until I can't take no more and it spills out all the anger and shame and hurt I have bottled up I have tried getting an appointment to see my doctor but I can't get in and I don't really want to be put on medication, I know it may help with the depression I am feeling but I don't know if they would do any good.

I am by no means formerly educated on such matters, can only speak from experience. I went down the road of medication...it helped for a while. I eventually found myself in a healthy relationship and BOOM out of no where all my abuse issues hit me in the face. I didnt receive any relief til I started getting help from a counselor. I have recently started a program called Survivor to Thriver. Is free, and is very hard work but has made a huge difference for me. Please spend some time researching your options before you decide you are stuck. Your definitely on the right track....your looking for help. Unfortunately, it doesnt get better til you do. Keep working and looking...YOU DESERVE SOME PEACE!

I'm sorry you feel so damaged and not worthy. I have also felt those things. These feelings are in you in IMAGE, but they are not the truth of who you are. They are images which got implanted through the horrific abuse. The reality of who you are is a whole person, a good person I'm sure - someone innocent, as always. You have a beautiful spirit which is completely free from the damage. I hope that isn't confusing for you. It really has helped me, to see that deep down inside, I am whole and pure.