Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was 9 years old. Since then my life has been one huge rollar coaster ride. I was never believed by children services, police, or even my own family. Still to this day I blame myself, even hate myself. Through the years I think I have pretended to forgive him for my familys sake. But, everytime I see him I still get chills down my spine and get a deep pain in my stomach. Im 19 now and it feels like I will never get over it. I am in counseling, but we primarily focus on my other abuse that happened later in my life, but everytime the subject of my brother comes up, I completely shut down. Is that normal? I usually find it easier to talk about my other abuse, but my brothers just brings me to a whole other level of pain that im not sure I can handle.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I do believe it is normal for you to shut down when the subject of your brother comes up because that is what you have had to do since it happened. You spoke up and told the truth and were silenced when you were told that it didn't happen. Then, to keep the peace for yourself and your family, you pretended it didn't happen. Now, a part of you may be questioning what the truth really is. Or even if it is safe to tell the truth again. I am sure the question is on your mind of "will the counselor believe me?" and that may cause you to stop talking. That doubt and fear of being told it didn't happen.
Be patient with yourself and in time you will be able to talk about it. Keep telling your inner child that you believe it did happen and that the counselor will believe you. And keep talking and healing the other traumas in your life. Sometimes we need to work backwards starting the healing process with the most current trauma and working down to the oldest trauma.
My feeling is that if you could survive and continue to live your life when the abuse happened then you can handle the healing process. It will not be easy but I have faith you can handle it.