Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
This is a story for all of us that have not only survived but have thrived, especially the men. I think men who have experienced sexual abuse have some different challenges than women. It has a lot to do with culture and society and how we define what a man is. It is a long article and this is only an excerpt. Chester Bennington from Linkin Park is just one example of a man who thrived. As I find more I will post them.
I STARTED getting molested when I was about seven or eight, says Bennington, now. It was by a friend who was a few years older than me. It escalated from a touchy, curious, what does this thing do into full-on, crazy violations. I was getting beaten up and being forced to do things I didnt want to do. It destroyed my self-confidence.
Like most people, I was too afraid to say anything. I didnt want people to think I was gay or that I was lying. It was a horrible experience. The sexual assaults continued until I was 13.
Thoughts whirring around his head, he would sit alone in his room, his parents having divorced when he was 11 years old. His older brother and one sister had left home, his other sister was never around. Left in his fathers custody a police detective pulling endless double shifts he was virtually ignored, no-one to confide to.
It was an awful time. I hated everybody in my family: I felt abandoned by my mom, my dad was not very emotionally stable then, and there was no-one I could turn to at least thats how my young mind felt. The only thing I wanted to do was kill everybody and run away.
Instead, he drew pictures and wrote poetry reams and reams of the stuff, all in the form of songs, all with verses, with choruses and all with the intention of making sense of his feelings. On the stereo in the background would be Depeche Mode and the Stone Temple Pilots; in the future would be Grey Daze, Benningtons first band, and then would come the music that would save his life.
The relationship I had with that band was the first time I felt I had a connection with anybody. I knew those guys would back me up. From then on, I started getting some confidence back. The problem was, I also found a good way to escape the abuse of my past. Getting high, drinking a lot and having sex with a lot of great girls is a pretty good escape.
And so, what started out as a way to fit in, a way to block out his childhood, soon became a raging habit.
I took everything. I got really, really bad. Until I was 16, I was doing a ton of LSD and a lot of drinking. Then, when we couldnt find acid, we turned to speed because it was cheap and it worked really, really well. I got really bad, really quickly. On a normal day, my friends and I would go through an eight-ball. We were smoking it in bongs I was doing bong-hits of meth. It was ridiculous. Then wed smoke opium to come down, or wed take pills, or Id drink so much that Id shit my pants. It was not pretty.
Yes! He did get clean! The rest of the article is here
http://www.tom-bryant.com/linkin-park-kerrang--tom-bryant.html
I STARTED getting molested when I was about seven or eight, says Bennington, now. It was by a friend who was a few years older than me. It escalated from a touchy, curious, what does this thing do into full-on, crazy violations. I was getting beaten up and being forced to do things I didnt want to do. It destroyed my self-confidence.
Like most people, I was too afraid to say anything. I didnt want people to think I was gay or that I was lying. It was a horrible experience. The sexual assaults continued until I was 13.
Thoughts whirring around his head, he would sit alone in his room, his parents having divorced when he was 11 years old. His older brother and one sister had left home, his other sister was never around. Left in his fathers custody a police detective pulling endless double shifts he was virtually ignored, no-one to confide to.
It was an awful time. I hated everybody in my family: I felt abandoned by my mom, my dad was not very emotionally stable then, and there was no-one I could turn to at least thats how my young mind felt. The only thing I wanted to do was kill everybody and run away.
Instead, he drew pictures and wrote poetry reams and reams of the stuff, all in the form of songs, all with verses, with choruses and all with the intention of making sense of his feelings. On the stereo in the background would be Depeche Mode and the Stone Temple Pilots; in the future would be Grey Daze, Benningtons first band, and then would come the music that would save his life.
The relationship I had with that band was the first time I felt I had a connection with anybody. I knew those guys would back me up. From then on, I started getting some confidence back. The problem was, I also found a good way to escape the abuse of my past. Getting high, drinking a lot and having sex with a lot of great girls is a pretty good escape.
And so, what started out as a way to fit in, a way to block out his childhood, soon became a raging habit.
I took everything. I got really, really bad. Until I was 16, I was doing a ton of LSD and a lot of drinking. Then, when we couldnt find acid, we turned to speed because it was cheap and it worked really, really well. I got really bad, really quickly. On a normal day, my friends and I would go through an eight-ball. We were smoking it in bongs I was doing bong-hits of meth. It was ridiculous. Then wed smoke opium to come down, or wed take pills, or Id drink so much that Id shit my pants. It was not pretty.
Yes! He did get clean! The rest of the article is here
http://www.tom-bryant.com/linkin-park-kerrang--tom-bryant.html
When a man is molested, there is the percieved loss of masculinity that goes along with it. In our culture, men are NOT to be victims in the first place and to be a sexual victim really does deal a double blow to the overall self image and how you are viewed by others. And I do believe that many others find you "suspect" if you "allowed" yourself to be abused in such a way. I also believe that is why so few men come forward to report the abuse that they have sustained.
Good point OldRolly - right on the nail-head so to speak.
Refuse2quit
I know I am not too forth going with my sexual abuse. That what I mentioned I think is light, and as a child I had absolutely no control over. Very little. I mentioned my more personal instances to a therapist once, and than I suppressed it, and never mentioned again. I will however share some other instances of sexual abuse as I did above.
I was constantly beat up and harassed throughout my school years - physically, mentally and emotionally crushed. Then one day, two guys body-slammed me into the lockers and continued to beat the shit out of me - the "hall monitor" was just about 15 feet away and I could not believe he was doing nothing. After the guys left, he sauntered over as I was picking up my glasses, books, self-esteem, etc. His only "encouragement" to me was the great little piece of advice that "As long as you are going to be a panty-waist you may as well expect such." He then strolled off whistling. The impact of that "intervention" stays with me today - and he was the father of one of my best friends, along with my history teacher at the time.
There was no defense for kids like me back then - especially males were expected to "fight our way out of it" and be "stronger for it".
I have no real way to express how this impacts men. It can just crush you in so many ways.
All my best and I hope we hear more from other males.
Refuse2quit
According to what I've read, this sort of thing starts early, when the boy is still an infant, and continues on throughout childhood until the abuser no longer has contact. It often happens when the mother is neglectful. My mother drank heavily.
Society says this is not abuse. There are winks and leers, and remarks about how "lucky" the boy is. But it is abuse, very much so. I never had a lasting relationship with anyone sexually. When a woman touches me, I think of my sister, even now. She told everyone I was psychotic to cover up her misdeeds.
All abuse is wrong, wrong. When the abuser is over eighteen, as my sister was in those later years, it's a felony. I've repressed these memories, ignored them, tried to "move on". But it never did work, and I got stigmatized as gay, because I couldn't relate well to women except in brief sexuality that didn't last. So I was told to stop denying my true nature and come out of the closet.
After a while, I just gave up hope of ever finding a partner. Now I'm too old to care anymore. My moment in the sun is finished, and it didn't work out.
I understand what you are saying - and your feelings towards your abuse are extremely valid - when a 20 year old female in our hometown was caught molesting a preteen boy at school (she was a classroom aide) the school principle was overheard at a board meeting remarking that he did not understand what the big deal was - the female was just "giving the kid a thrill at an early age" and "what red-blooded male wouldn't be proud to say as much"? Older female/younger male abuse is definitely under-rated in it's impact and your story shows such impact.
But I also believe, that no matter how old you are - the Sun shines on everyone - you may never be able to relive your youth, but never think that you are no longer a viable and valuable asset to the human race. Find you Sun spot and stand there proudly - you deserve it!!
Refuse2quit
Ignorance knows no bounds.
Refuse2quit
He has told me he doesn't feel like a man and I tell him he is. He also has ADHD and yes it is annoying at times but aren't all habits this way at some point? I'm sure I can be annoying also. That's human.
Shopping, vacations/leaving and pleasing people help fill this hole. I've introduced him to camping and this has helped. The outdoors are so healing. My husband was a hotel only kind of guy and I'm still amazed he loves it so much. I wonder if it is the idea in a sense that you must rely on yourself in some ways or is it the nature itself? Even in the rain or cold weather (with his arthritis) he's happy.
This hole needs to be filled by survivors in some form or way from what I've observed. Everyone's way is different. I commend all of you continuing on your journey.