I'm new here and I'm not sure how to start. I was abused by an older cousin from the age of 14yrs through to 16yrs. Our fathers are brothers and our families would get together about once a month or so, we lived in different towns.

I've pretty much denied what happened to me back then and I thought I was doing a good job of it. I didn't think the abuse was a big deal or that it affected me too much. I thought I was on top of it and compared to what some people go through it wasnt that bad really. I thought what he did to me was over the top but he was so nice to me at other times and treated me like a real friend. My mother hated me and abused me physically growing up and he was always the one preson I could talk to. We were always close so when I he took our relationship to another level, I was uncomfortable with it but went along with it because I didn't want to lose him as a friend and of course I was sworn to secrecy. I thought he was the one person who really cared about me but now I realise he also betrayed me. I think I've always known that but I haven't wanted to admit it because then you have to deal with it and part of me doesn't want to.

I'm at university now and I'm doing some psychology type courses and just did a section on youth. When we were learning the affects of childhood sexual abuse it hit hard like a brick and realised I can't deny it anymore. I found that section of the course really confronting and considered dropping out. The way he acted, the things he said to me back then, reading the text books was like dejavu. I realised that I hadn't been that good at hiding anything, I'd only been denying it for all this time. So now I'm not sure what to do. I've been angry at myself for years without knowing why. I hate who I am, but I don't now why. I have a pretty good life now, but I've always felt unsettled and I can explode over anything and I take it out on myself especially.

I've had an eating disorder and had therapy for it but I didn't tell them about the abuse because I didn't know for sure if it was even abuse and I didn't want to betray the secret.

I don't remember a lot of it now. I know he held a knife to my throat once, at other times he tied my hands and blindfolded me as a punishment for not keeping still. At the time I was scared but not terrified and I have forgotten a lot of it now.

I have booked in to see a counsellor but I don't know how much she can help me because I don't remember much else.

Anyone have any adice?

Thanks

Lea