we all blame ourselves, and feel dirty. I am sorry your mom said that. She probably has her own guilt for it happening to you and she is angry at herself! It is no way to handle herself. I feel bad for you. I believe you. I understand your pain.

What you know is right, but what you feel is wrong and it is normal to feel guilt and shame. It still feels real because you have to go through it again, this time emotionally to get to a place where you can overcome and put as much as you can behind you.

I highly recommend you seeing a therapist who specializes in this type of abuse.

As for your mother, I don't know her so I really can't say where she is coming from. It is often a shock to the parent and not uncommon for the first initial reaction to be denial and blame.

Often the blame is reflected on the victim but is felt by the person placing blame. Their mind is raging with thoughts and feelongs and they don't know how to handle them. So in denying the truth, they place blame where it is not due because they are not ready to face the truth and the guilt they feel is so strong. It is too fresh, too real, too emotional, and like you washing and never feeling clean. You can't wash it away. Your mom can't either so she lashes out at what is closest to her. YOU

It is very hard but maybe a little easier if you understand thr quilt she is feeling is every bit as intense as the dirtiness you are feeling.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

The most difficult part of dealing with abuse, especially when it happens in families, is the conflicting emotions; people who are supposed to love you, protect you and believe in you hurt you badly instead.

It's typical to blame ourselves, but it's also possible learn to detach from the source of abuse. Shame and depression have been described as anger turned inwards, that is, hidden anger addressed towards our own selves instead of the source of our anger.

I have been dealing with feeling responsible for everything for most of my life and I know I have come a long way. Still that's a part of me that I still have to protect and make sure don't fall into old behaviors.

I perfectly understand what you feel as that's how I grew up, with parents constantly blaming me for their own inadequacies, issues and abuse. Still to this day (they're in their 70s now) they try to do the same thing. Hugs.

I know how you feel. I also blame myself for what happened, even though this is a silly thing to do because it wasnt my fault. (also not your fault). If you have the choice to speak to someone that i recommend you do, it can really help with the healing process.

Im sorry about it all. No it was not your fault. No matter what, who knows why mothers say what they say and do what they do. My mother was also nasty and mean afterwards. Do seek some counseling. we are all here for you.

So sorry your mom is so wrong and hurtful. Perhaps you can send her a book on the issue; how she can think a 10 year old can instigate molestation is kind of beyond belief. She sounds pretty deluded, ignorant and toxically shaming. Sorry to be so harsh on your mom, but if someone is that damaging I would really keep them at arm's length.

I'd speak to her only when you really have to. I'd send her a book on molestation with a note saying you hope she understands but that if she doesn't, you'll have to move on with your life.

I would detach from her; she sounds really unhealthy.

I know how you feel. My mom doesn't blame me for what I went through at all...at least I don't think she does. She hasn't said otherwise. But I blame myself all the time!!! I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault...but for some reason I can't get past the idea that the abuse may very well have BEEN my fault!! Regardless of that fact that I was 8!!!

I know that they were older and should have known better...and that I was the one who was victimized. But...I still can't see is as completely their fault. I don't know why.

I do hope that you're able to see that even if your mom doesn't believe you, you'll be able to see that it WASN'T your fault at all!!! I know it will be hard...because that's what I'm facing right now too. But I'm sure that one day...we may be able to accept that we went through it...and we must find a way to deal with it in a healthy way. My roommate has lately been suggesting that I gear up and get ready to face my past...but I'm not ready to...and I feel incredibly anxious about it.

I'm sure that one day it may happen. But not any time soon. :s Good luck to you at finding some peace in your life. Regarding these issues. *hugs*

Thanks for all of your reply s, i know my mum didn't mean to say that she blames me, but she still upset me. I just cant help but blame myself for what happen i feel so much shame and anger because of what happen, i just cant help the way i feel;that i blame myself more than blame the man who did those things to me. I am in so much pain at the moment that it doesn't help when my mum tells me to get over it and move on it is not that easy i have tried to tell her it isn't that easy but she just doesn't want me to talk to her about it i already know she doesn't believe me so live in constant anger that my mum would think that i would just make something like that up.

Well, we can't make people feel the way we do. Neither can we truly feel the way another person does. We can empathize with them...in some cases we can relate to them...but everyone feels things differently.

Because she may not have gone through an experience like that...there's no way for her to even relate. Even if she doesn't truly blame you...somewhere in the back of her mind...she must truly wonder. Otherwise, she wouldn't have even said it. That being said...people also deal with their pain at different speeds.

It's not fair to blame yourself...but I can't really speak truly in that regard...as I do the same thing. I know it's not healthy for us, but how do we truly believe it...when we doubt it so strongly??? Right? The best I can suggest is the positive affirmations...maybe every day. I find that they can lead you to start believing the truth to things. It might just take a while. :) Hope you find your healing method soon. :) *hugs*

My mom had asked me years ago why didnt i tell anyone? so in my mind that was saying it was my fault. well it WAS NOT my fault and it WAS NOT your fault. you are right we were children. We were defenseless children. we were supposed to trust people (adults) they are supposed to guide us, protect us, love us, show us the right way through life. They did NOT do this for us. I am 40 yrs old and it took many many years for my mom to beleive me but in a sense she srill has not done some things i need/want her to do. she is not married to the man any more and thats great but it was not because of the abuse they had thier own problems. i'd like her to comfront that man she was married to and ask him why he messed my life up! she wont ever do this, so in my mind she cant even face what happen even to this day. Talk to me and maybe it will help. This may be hard to do but you cant make your mom beleive you, she has to come to terms with it, and you may have to walk away from her because she is unhealthy for you and your well being. 2 yrs ago i wrote a letter to my moms ex husband and told him to never contact me again. it was painful because the whole family on that side feel i am crazy and he would never do such a thing to me, but it did happen and they can live thier lie. it was and still is painful to lose family members but for my well being i had to do this. maybe write her a letter with everything on your mind, this may take a while to write to get thoughts in order, and then decide if you want to give it to her or not. but think about you and what is healthy for YOU!! she may be denying it happened because it is so painful for her to admit she didnt protect you, but this is no excuse.
but talk to me, this is what this site is for. :)

As I said before I find it very hard to talk about what happen to me as those close didnt believe me when I told them what was going on that I dont think I go through the pain of telling someone what happen to me and me not be believed. I think in one way that is more up setting than the sexual abuse it self. I mean the abuse it self was bad enough but the shame of telling someone of it and no one believe you it makes you think did the abuse really happen I mean you know it did you have nightmares walking up inthe middle of night scared and alone and have got no one to comfort me and say it will be okay. I mean I go to bed and lay a wake at at night scared to go to sleep cos I am scared I will have the usual nightmares that stay a wake until one or two in the morning I just don't where to go for help

Have you thought of a trauma councilor???? Perhaps someone who can help you deal with the emotions and help you handle the nightmares a bit better. Someone who's qualified will help you understand how better to deal with the things like those.

Also, are you on any medications??? They could possibly help too. :) Just some ideas.

Hi thanks for the advice I have thought about going to councillor about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child but I can't find one that I can afford also I am not on any meds yet. I am terrified of going to the doctors and telling them about the abuse and not be believed I mean my mum and dad didn't believe me so why would anybody else.