Very power statment and testimony, With amount and time duation you have endured this already, it's seems like you have accepted this as norn and it is not. Breaking free from this is not going to be easy by any standards. Going to the police at this point would solve what? nothing, other than bringing up issues that make things even worse for you . You need a clean slate to work with. If possible a fresh start, new state, new job, and re-invent yourself. You appear to be handling this in very brave fashion, but get out of the abusive relationship your in now before it escalates to physical abuse to add insult to your injuries. The church was an avenue but you need to break far away. Start looking out for yourself and excepting what others think you need. Your life is in your own hands, the body can be healed but the damage in mind lasts forever. Finding a way out of there, will be a hard thing to do and scary too, I feel that your love for family may hold you back in making your break. Don't run away but leave with a plan and a vision of where you want to go. keep your spirits up your big heart has kept you going this long and will hold for you until you reach your own promise land even if it's in the next state over......

First thing, it wasn't your fault. You were a child: just 10 years old with your dad and even younger with your great uncle. NO WAY was it your fault. He said you were dressing like a whore? And who was buying your clothes? Abuse is never the victim's fault and none of this was your fault.

To say you must have liked it not to go the the police is madness. You did tell an aunt, and look what it got you. Those who you should have been able to trust betrayed you. It's VERY hard for a child to go the the police alone, especially when they have already been branded a liar (and, though you haven't said so, very probably told no one would believe you if you did).

It is true that some rape and sexual abuse can result in a sexual response on the part of the victim, even to the point of involuntary orgasm. This does NOT mean you wanted it or enjoyed it. It just means your body is working as it's designed to.

If I poke you in the eye, your eye will close and fill with water, and it will hurt. Even if you want to, you can't stop any of those things from happening. Basic biology / neurology: if you stimulate the nerve endings, the automatic responses will follow.

The (physical) sexual response is similar. If someone touches / stimulates your genitals / clitoris in the right sort of ways, you will get "wet" and produce a sexual response, maybe even an orgasm. You can't stop it happening any more than you can stop your eye from closing. It does NOT mean you wanted it or even enjoyed it.

In short, your not a liar and it wasn't your fault. You were repeatedly raped and abused, and you have every right to be sick of their ongoing abuse and denial of the truth. You're worth far more than that.

Good luck on your journey.

First of all, THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH!! :)
I am sorry, I need to clear up something (because I would hate for my fiance who's about to join this group to think someone thinks he abuses me), the relationship I am in now isn't abusive. The guy who was sexually abusive is an ex. My fiance is a very sweet and loving man, who he himself was sexually abused, he doesn't make me do anything when I don't want to.
I am not still going through sexual abuse, it has left some scars, right now I just feel like I need to find people that understand to feel like I am not a worthless whore. I mean, I can't even give my fiance my virginity. I am always apologizing to everyone, I don't know if it's because of all the abuse combined or what, and I feel so ugly all the time and used up. I left the ex boyfriend at 19 and I still find myself having dreams of saying "Please just not tonight."
Thank you guys, it helps to be BELIEVED and not be blamed.

I was sexually abused by a close family friend when I was 10, It went on for a few years and then he died. I never told my parents or any one else about this. At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with HIV, my parents specially my Mother was very curious as yo how I got infected. This is the 1st time I told them about he abuse and he was the one who gave it to me. I at this age wasn't sexually active or had done drugs, so I know that him abusing me was the only way I could have contracted it.

The shocker was my Mothers refusal to believe me, said I was making up stories for something else I was hiding. Her not believing me tore me up and I said to myself if she doesn't believe me no one will. I buried this dark secret for almost 30yrs. Just recently I opened this up with my Therapist and started the healing process.

I have forgiven my abuser but don't know how t forgive my Mother. So I understand your problem when no one would believe you. The parents are suppose to protect us from such evil......:(

Sunny

ghostryder,
I hate that the parents that everyone thinks is perfect choose the way things look over the way their child feels. I am sorry that you had to suffer THEIR denial just like I have had to these years. My father admitted that he did it, after I told my mother.
I "to be the bigger person" and because I believe in not holding grudges and forgiveness is the only way to get forgave for what I have done, forgave them both. I actually pray that they be spared because of their evil, if they can allow themselves to feel no grief or sadness over making me so screwed up that they don't end up with a really bad fate.

And you have every right to be hurt at her making you feel like a liar, because no one would just make up some of the stuff we have been through.


THANK YOU ALL FOR THIS HELP SO MUCH!