Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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Back again.

Elslok
Elslok

I was away for a while, had my beautiful baby boy in March. I thought I was doing well...but I was lying to myself. I have a hearing date coming up to appeal the decision not to award me criminal injuries compensation. I don't even want it. I didn't come forward and report because I wanted compensation, I did it because I wanted to see that b*st*rd get what he deserved. I resent my family for siding with a relative stranger. I resent my mother for staying with him, and for excusing him ("Well...you always were a sexually minded child..." an actual direct quote.) I resent my sister for not being shocked, rather she was annoyed at me and I think it's because he was doing the same to her and she is still under the illusion she is his "special" girl. Newsflash sis...you never were, no one was. All he saw was opportunity. And that was my fault. If I hadn't stood up for myself...maybe he wouldn't have hurt her? Maybe she is angry with me because I'm upset over something that happened twice, when she has had to (possibly) endure years of it.


Let me give you a scenario, and then tell me if it rings alarm bells for you. My sister had been with her fiance for years. They were clearly intimate together. She had mentioned the fellatio was something she didn't like to do. I get that, I know that it can be quite common for women not to like it. All three of us were waiting at the bus stop for the bus (yes really!) and she dropped to her knee to tie her shoe. Her fiance jokingly thrust his hips in her general direction (they were a couple of feet apart, so there was no danger of any contact) and she full on punched him in the crotch so hard he fell to the floor and threw up. Now...to me...that isn't a normal response to what he did. Maybe a swat on the arm when I stand up, or a withering stare...maybe I am under-reacting...but to me...for her to have SUCH a violent response...there has to be something to it...right?

notalone00
notalone00
That sounds about right...sounds like you was a lot stronger than she though...I was never anything to stand up for my self...even when joking around..

Your post reminds me of a couple on here a long while back that male was commenting that his g/f had some abuse in her past, but that she never really talked about it... one night he and I were talking on here, and he had commented about the way his g/f showed him that she loved him was to give oral (sorry)...
after talking for a while, and answering his questions, he commented that she had never bit him... I asked never? He was half bragging and said nope..
I told him his g/f was sexually abused in her past... but I didn't lead on to how I knew..
Well, he talked his g/f to coming on here also, and she was wondering how I knew...(they had a mutual friend on here who was my friend also)....
come to find out, her dad was locked up, and she had been sexually abused, and other types of abuse...
things came to light cause others had seen red flags (mostly on here, not in her real life... victims/survivors know and understand what to look for)

The way your sister responded to her guy friend, to me is an obvious red flag.. that there is more in her past that she hasn't dealt with, or maybe will even admit to..

We are all here if you would want to talk, or you might want to seek professional help..

I would suggest writing a journal, and if it's here, make it friends only...

I hope I helped even a little...

Notalone
Elslok
Elslok
Thank you. I do worry that I didn't protect her from him, and I do worry about what she has had to endure and for how long. She doesn't speak to me anymore, she cut all ties when the police notified him that I had made a complaint against him. She has since moved 230 miles away, I can't help but wonder if it is so that she doesn't have to see/deal with him. Even though she told the police I am a liar, if ever she did report him I would back her 100% and add strength to her case. Mine was NFA'd which a lot of people (my so called family) took to mean he is innocent. Not at all, it means that they cannot guarantee a conviction. If they take it to court and he is found not guilty, then it cannot be brought up again in a future case. This way, if someone else comes forward and reports, my case can be brought up against him. A ticking karmic time bomb.
donnawanda
donnawanda
Hi there, it's nice to see you, though I'm sorry it's because you're not doing well. I think the whole scenario with your sister is disturbing. But most of all, I am sorry that your family doesn't support you. I feel really furious about this. It happens over and over again that survivors get thrown under the bus to protect abusers and to protect other people's denial. You're very courageous to pursue your case despite all that.
Elslok
Elslok
Hi Donna :) long time no see, and yes I wish it were happier circumstances. The family thing is old news, I know, but it still cuts like a knife and in my downward spiral days it is there fresh and raw and I cannot shake it. My husband thinks I should just "Let it Go" (yes...Elsa is in my head right at this moment) but it isn't that easy. They were my family for nearly thirty years. The one that hurts the most is my aunt, she also told the police she didn't believe me and I'm a liar. This lady is one who lived with a physically abusive husband. I would go and stay with her at weekends to keep her safe from him, because if I was there, he couldn't touch her. When she had epile[tic fits and was in hospital, I would go and visit her. I was the one who was there for her when everyone else turned their backs because she wouldn't leave him. And now? She is protecting an abuser like her ex husband. And his is all three years old, this hurt, this pain, this betrayal, and yet still I am obsessing over it. I think it is healed over, I poke where it used to hurt and I realise it hasn't healed at all, it has just sat festering under what appeared to be scar tissue.
With my sister...I really really really hope I am wrong. Truly. I will never know unless she comes forward...but I sincerely hope I am wrong. I feel like I have failed her. I was always the protector and would regularly sacrifice myself to keep her safe. Our biological father was a physically abusive bully and I would deliberately annoy him so that he would get me and not my mother or sister. It was the only way I could protect them, being under seven.
donnawanda
donnawanda
From what you've written here, it seems to me that you have not been loved and protected as a child should be, for her own sake. You were sacrificing yourself already when you were less than seven years old?! You should have been loved and valued for WHO you ARE, not for the role you played in trying to protect others, which is not a child's role in the first place. Like so many of us, it sounds like you were raised by narcissists and/or child-like adults and learned to see your value in terms of how well you take care of others. In fact, you deserved love and protection just for being you, and it was the adults' job to protect you, not vice versa. It is no wonder that a part of you feels so deeply betrayed. It's not something you can easily get past.

By the way, it was never your job to protect your sister - that was your mother's job.

You've been through an awful lot and an awful lot has been expected of you. It's no wonder you're not past it yet - how could you be? I hope you will come here for support and if it's possible for you to get a therapist or counselor please do that as well. The better you are able to take care of yourself the better it will be for you, your inner children, and your own children. You've been a heroine for others - you deserve to heal.
Elslok
Elslok
I have a little more to do yet before I can focus wholly on my own healing. My husband is going for the results of his genetics test in little over a week. Huntingtons runs in his family and he has decided to see if he has it. Once that is out of the way, I can start thinking about getting some help for myself. I have had some counselling, she taught me to keep the emotions from over spilling (she used a glass analogy, negative emotions filling it and threatening to overflow, she taught methods to help me to empty it a little so I could keep on top of it.) Mindfulness being the biggest tool she gave me, but honestly, finding time with three under three to focus on my breathing is a huge ask! I am trying to look after myself though, and teaching my children that just because an adult asks for a kiss or a hug, they can say no. I never force them to "Kiss Grandma goodbye." I want them to understand very quickly that they get to say what happens to their body. Over cautious? Maybe, but I'd rather them be over prepared than ill equipped.
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