If you went to your babysitter asking to be abused and suggesting ways to abuse you, there is a reason, and the reason is NOT that you were a sick, nasty child. That is literally impossible. You were reacting like a normal child to an abnormal situation.

Many of us have felt shame because we enjoyed our abuse on some level - that is because the human body is designed to derive pleasure from certain kinds of activities, regardless of the circumstances. It is physiological and beyond our control, but it doesn't mean we wanted or liked it or deserved it. On the other hand, sometimes abuse was the only kind of attention we got, and so we did want it - we wanted the attention, we didn't want to be hurt and abused, but that was the only way we could get it. And, sometimes because of abuse our sexuality was stimulated and became activated at too young an age, before we were ready to handle it, and developed a compulsive aspect.

Whatever your story, there will be others who have been through similar things. We all feel shame, at least until we realize that all the shame belongs to the abusers, not to us. You were born a normal child, and the shame belongs to the one(s) who deprived you of a normal childhood.

I hope you are in therapy and able to work on this issue with the support of a professional, and I hope you will continue to come here, read what others write, and share as much as you feel comfortable sharing.

Thank you donnawanda.
I find it so hard not feel so disgusting. There are things that I wish I felt comfortable talking about because It would help to know I wasn't alone. I do not have a therapist right now. I have tried to find a good match since I left my last therapist but so far no luck. I appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to respond to me. Thank you.

Let me ask you...if you were looking after a child and they came up to you and asked you to do the things that you say you asked your babysitter to do to you, would you do it? You rbabysitter was older, and more mature and in a position of responsibility to take care of you. Personally if a child came to me and suggested we do activities of a sexual nature, I certainly would not have done them. I would, at the very least, have spoken to the parents and voiced my concerns at where a child would have gotten such ideas from. I might also have reported my concerns to an external authority to ensure the child got the help they needed. Regardless of how it was instigated, there was an adult in a position of trust who took advantage of the situation they were in. May I even be so bold to suggest that you might even have been led to believe they were your idea, but planted there by the adult in order to make you feel this shame and guilt so you wouldn't expose them for what they were? Just something to think about. If you need to talk, I am here.

I found my therapist by calling RAINN. Even though I told them it all happened a hundred years ago they hooked me up with someone right away. Perhaps you will be lucky too. Please try to find someone, as you have suffered long enough for something that was never your fault in the first place. You deserve to heal and discover the joy of self-love and self-respect. We all do!

I co operated with a lot of my abuse.
But I was led to do that by someone three times my age
It's the responsibility of adults, ALWAYS, to not be sexual with a child. Because the child isn't ready for that.

Thank you everyone. I will continue to look for a therapist to work through this.

countrysinger4life:
MANY, many survivors found pleasure in their abuse; many of them were young and was just doing what felt good, with no understanding of social stigmas and inappropriate behavior. Many of us were willing participants, at least in some activity. But we were children, It really isn't fair to look back at that time with adult values and sensibilities, because at the time, those things were not available to you or you had been shown that the sexual activity you were involved in was "ok".
You were a different being at that time in your life. You were doing what seemed right for you at the time, and you did not understand the impact of what was occurring. Please don't judge that child / yourself any longer - you have been through enough, don't become your own abuser over this.
Social morals and appropriate social behavior is not formed in a child so you really had nothing to compare your abuse to in order to know if your actions were "right" or "wrong"; at the time you were doing what seemed natural and pleasurable to you at the time.
This is a huge stumbling block for many - shame and regret really have little productive use in your journey, so I try not to carry a lot of it with me personally.
You not only need to forgive that child and the behavior, but also learn to truly love that child, flaws and all. Please do find a way to rid yourself of these feelings and to understand that what you did was not that unusual and really quite understandable if you see how some abusers groom and initiate their victims -
Find peace with yourself.....
ALl my best
Refuse2quit