i know that feeling well. at the age of 11 or 12 i discovered masturbation. i'm always in the mood and it is quite ridiculous. i'm not sure if thats affected by the abuse or not.

@randomphrase--I was the exact same way actually. I was kind of messed up in the head around that age, but I remember always being in the mood like I am now. My sexual abuse started at a younger age though, so I didn't know if it stemmed from that or not. Thanks for the input!

You aren't alone. I'm terrified of sex. I cannot masturbate. But I'm always in the mood. I'm sure it has something to do with my abuse, but either way... it is nerve racking.

I am sure the abuse has something to do with it. I was never traumatized during the abvuse and actually enjoyed parts of it. For a long time I just thought it was simply enjoyment that made me want it so much. However, I also learned that both sex and fear can get some 'feel good' chemicals flowing in the brain, and people can become addicted to feeling those chemicals. Many don't realize that is why they want to do sex, all they know is that sex cam make them feel better.
I am fairly sure that my self worth was low, and my compulsion to be sexual was because at least some of my self worth was based on how many women I had been with. As an adult, I don't think I have ever been monogamous for more than 18 months or so, including during my 30 year marriage.
I think those of us who were abused as children are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior. Risky meaning we get drunk and do it with strangers and without protection.
I still masturbate, but then, I live alone and there is not always a partner handy. But in the past, I have done it even with a willing partner asleep on the other half of the bed.
I still like to have more than one woman in my life sexually today and I am 74. I suppose we all have our own reasons but I would be very surprised if they did not tie to our childhood sexualization.

@JustCarmen---It's good to know I'm not the only one. Is there anything you do to get rid of the feelings?
@Crusty--Thank you or the insightful answer. I never thought of it in that perspective but it makes alot of since to me. Do you attend any kind of sexual addiction classes?

Masturbation is such a universal activity, at least amongst humans (though often a taboo for discussion kudos to randomphrase for mentioning it). And sexual arousal in the young and physically healthy is a fairly frequent (if not constant) event. Both accepted as norms. But this thread has given me pause, made me realise my understanding of sexual abuse related issues has been very shallow.

my partner has lived with non-hodgkins lymphoma for perhaps 15 year, a slowly progressing cancer. When she was first diagnosed with it the average time from diagnosis to death was 5 year although she was told some people can live with it for 20 year. Thing is, whenever she gets a severe flu or strange illness symptoms or something that makes her glands swell - she wonders if this is the start of a fatal phase of the illness. Simple ordinary things for the rest of us perhaps, but she has not our framework to judge them as such, and consequently has anxieties around them that cause grief.

And his thread has made me wonder if it isnt the same for you people who've been sexually abused? Does the abuser steal normal from you? Leave you with no framework that enables you to judge what is normal sexuality for you and what is pathology resulting from the damage the abuser has caused you? If so, this must be an awful cruelty to live with. And you all must have hidden strengths and courage to live with this as a constant.

@k2hsharpe--That's interesting that you brought that question up. I always wonder that myself. If I had lived differently, would my judgement on life be different? Because I was abused from childhood until highschool, now that I'm an adult, I'm not sure if the things that run through my mind, the anxieties I have, the types of friends I choose, the types of movies I like, the daily suicidal thoughts, the confusion I have about myself sometimes, the hatred for people who have done absolutely nothing to me, are based solely off of the fact that I never experienced what it's like to be happy. I guess it's a nurture versus nature question, but I'm almost positive that both have something to do with it. Because I'm always looking for what is considered "normal behaviour" and I strive to emulate that so I don't stick out.

So in short, yes I've been robbed.

You have been robbed, for sure, and were you my friend i would hate your abuser for the damage done you.

I just never realised that being robbed of a sense of 'normal' would inflict so many needless hurts upon people that have been abused. Simply because you haven't the usual reference points to understand that some of the things you experience in daily life are common to us all. And this on top of the more obvious damages done.

It is hard to understand why authorities and people in general (including me) have been so complacent about this. It's something i'm coming to regret.

I call it victim radar. Victims seem to have a heightened sense of justice and are constantly on the lookout for injustices. They can also have extreme reactions to slights others see as minimal or normal, and it can certainly cause problems.
My abuser was of the same sex, and it caused lifelong problems for me in same sex relationships, friendships, etc, even at work. It also drove a certain amount of promiscuity, primarily as a way to validate my heterosexual identity.
I think sex for most of us is like the Jeanie in the bottle, once you've had sex, you want to have it again, regardless of the age of introduction. However I do believe many victims do become hyper sexualized, or regard the physical act as one of emotional intimacy even when it's not. For me, if my partner rejects me physically, I feel great anxiety and unloved. It doesn't make any sense, but it's been true for fifty years. Also I have great difficulty with arousal unless my partner is actively participating. From what I understand, most men don't need that level of approval or feedback.

Masturbation. For those of you that have issues with masturbation, please talk to somebody. For a victim, habing complete control over your own body and your sexuality can be very empowering. You have complete control, which I think is the holy Grail for most victims.

i frequently have to check in with my husband to be sure my thinking isn't really crazy. i don't trust my own perception of reality. it's ironic in that he's also a survivor, has just started working through his own stuff, and his perceptions are probably just as skewed as mine, but two heads are better than one :)

recently i've realized that i get passion and fear really mixed up and that's lead to some complex problems in the last couple of years. i also feel like if someone wants to be sexual with me it must be because he loves me. i thought i knew all of this and still had to re-learn it this last year or so.

regarding masturbation, there is no one who has a greater right to enjoy my body than i do. this is mine. deeply feeling that ownership has been my salvation.

so if i'm understanding this right ... we all of us have times when we have to reality test situations we find ourselves in. Did they mean this when they said it? Did they understand i meant that when i said it. This feeling of rejection or abandonment - is it real or am i reading too much what's happening? Etc etc.

But for those of you who have been abused this is more of a constant where as for those that like me that haven't been abused, it tends to be a relatively infrequent thing? Plus, you don't have the framework of 'normal' with which to reality test against?

If this is so it must be very fatiguing for you? Also, we tend to read what we think of as exaggerated respsonses to everyday things as being as being those of a drama queen. We're wrong, aren't we? There must be times when we just add to you hurts in this?
: -(

I did not attend any class. I am not sure if I am addicted. Today, I did not feel I was
"that bad yet". LOL

Seriously, by the time I discovered I was much different than others, I had already decided that as long as I was totally honest with my partners, they were willingly taking part,and that no one was being emotionally hurt, no one was getting pregnant, and nobody was spreading or getting a disease -- that I was not interfering with my life in a negative degree. That may have been a rationalization.

Sometimes I don't feel whole without something sexual happening, and I was abused (isolated incidents) on 3 different occasions. I'm about to have a talk with my husband about it. I'm extremely a sexual person, at times I don't care if it's my hubby, or "self-help" in that department. I guess maybe I have some sort of sex addiction, but I don't know.

@k2hsharpe--In reply to your last two posts, Thank you and you're correct. Most people, and not at fault of their own, don't understand what abuse victims have gone through.
It is very tiring to always have to replay everything in your head or think ahead of time of what you think would be a "normal" response or reaction. It starts to become a job of art over time and not what you actually consider normal yourself. There are times when I'm extremely hurt, but I have to play it off to save face. For example I have a new friend, and I'm so confused all the time because she's so nice and I'm waiting for her to do something wrong to me and I get so upset because I'm not sure if I should keep her as a friend because she is so awesome. It's frustrating because I'm not used to kindness.

@daveintexas--Thankyou for your input. It seems there are so many things I still don't know. But at the same time I've never received any pschological help or therapy for my abuse. I was also sexually abused by the same sex and I often become very confused about myself and about relationships whether friendship or intimate relationships.
This may be too much information but I have problems pleasing myself and will often just give up. But I didn't know that was something so serious that I needed to speak to someone about.

@gottagoodman--Thankyou for the input. I'm glad that you have someone whom you can relate to and love that understands you as well.

@sarahaakac-- I understand where you're coming from. I hope the talk you have with your husband goes smoothly. I can't say whether or not you have a sexual addiction. But I can tell you that there are times where I scare myself with my sexuality. My sexdrive can get absolutely crazy.

@crusty--I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I understand what you're saying though. Thankyou for your response.

I don't think there's any question that for many people being sexually abused as a child causes a heighten state of arousal and often times preoccupation with sex...even if there is fear associate with it. You can be afraid yet aroused at the same time
I certainly know that was true for me most of my life going back as far as I can remember, for others having been sexually abused has the opposite effect.