Annieoakley,

You are very right about the mindset "if I am bigger then nobody wants me" but even more right is the fact that assaults are about power and control and moment of opportunity, not about appearance.

As I said, right now I am on Prednisone, so weight gain started occurring as I was reading the patient information insert :) but, it really is no excuse to eat everything there is to eat in the house, even if there are no processed foods here...

Like you, I have never been a size 2, that's never been my goal...5'10 broad shouldered...but before I got sick I was very active, and now that I am house bound a lot due to illness, I find it harder to fight off anxieties and flashbacks....I think exercise helped get rid of nervous energy, and gave a boost of endorphins.

Now, I have to try to learn less physical ways to manage PTSD symptoms, and food can be a comfort..or was mentioned almost a child like joy if given no limits.

I love your " Go for health and forget the rest! BE AMAZING, BE BEAUTIFUL, AND BE YOU!"

Attitude...very positive and inspiring :)

I hate steroids and almost always refuse to take them when the doc prescribes them. Unless I'm dying. Then I'll take them. I was given a cortisone shot a couple Of weeks ago and I course that makes you gain weight. Ugh.

I actually have to fight like hell to keep that attitude because sometimes things get me down but I try!! Hang in there!!!

You are beautiful just the way you are and if people can't see who you are without worrying about your size then they don't deserve to know you anyway.

I hear the " I gain weight to make myself unattractive" theory all the time. I don't think it is always that simple. I use food to calm anxiety and to fill me up inside. Food is mine; no one can take it away.

Honestly if it was just about the sex we would have to consider the chubby chasers out there. It is not hard to find sex no matter what size one is.

The one thing the weight does offer me is that it makes me so ashamed and uncomfortable with myself that i won't even risk sex with a chubby chaser. I don't act out when I have the weight on.

I agree, it's a multidimensional issue, and of course it can be different for different ones of us. Speaking for myself, sexual attention from men is seriously scary to me. If I am talking to a man and he seems to find me attractive, I go into something of a panic - literally. This happens way less often when I am heavy. Also, I feel less vulnerable physically. I can not be picked up and carried away. Even a strong man can't easily budge me.

Food is also a multipurpose medication: a sedative when I'm anxious, and a stimulant when I'm tired. Ah, food. Food, love, comfort, safety, shame, pain, self-disgust. It's a whole world of feelings, isn't it?

Donna you said it in a way I could not...I may have to quote you to m therapist..
"Sexual attention from men is seriously scary to me. If I am talking to a man and he seems to find me attractive, I go into something of a panic - literally. This happens way less often when I am heavy. Also, I feel less vulnerable physically. I can not be picked up and carried away."
Is a big part of the food puzzle for me....along with the multipurpose medication..

To take some poetic licence with a Homer Simpson quote,

"Food, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems"

:) thanks for the post

I'm going to be really honest.
For me and people I've spoken with, there may be a protective layer that over eating allows us to achieve.
If I'm heavy, I won't be as attractive to people that want to victimize me.
That funny bumper sticker that reads "Fat people are harder to kidnap" really hits home. As a child I thought fat people were harder to do a lot of things to.

My food issues now have little to do with my abuse and everything to do with health. I went from an over eater to a non eater. My body literally rejects food for a week a month, every month. I'm learning to cope with my food issues in my own way. So I don't have all the right answers, but I'll pray you find the answer that is right for you.

100% yup.

Same problem here. I used to not eat for the whole day and then binge anything I could find in a half an hour making it one massive meal a day. Now that I'm living with my partner I like to eat together with him so I don't skip meals anymore, but I still eat a lot in between meals. It makes up for my boredom, frustration, stress, sadness.. anything!

I immediately thought of that bumper sticker too.

My body has went from being too chunky to the other end of it now. I have little to no interest in eating. Which is a huge problem because I'm going along and realize that I'm needing to eat something. I get shakey. So it's thunder thighs if you do- pass out if you don't.

But seriously- there is a balance. You just have to find it- even if you can change ONE thing at a time. Don't expect to change everything at once. Just make one change at a time. If you backslide- dont give up. Just remember that you want to be healthy. Not skinny- not small- not HAWT. Forget that and just try to Be healthy!

To clarify- I went from eating to much to not eating enough- I am still chunky- just not so much. ;)