Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
So I was told by a close friend "I don't act like I was raped. Were you really?" I didn't know how to respond. What the fuck was I supposed to do, show him my vagina and say "here's your fucking proof!" How do rape victims act. I cry. I get memory pains, hell I even almost crashed my mum's car today because I blacked out and ended up in the basement where my brother raped me. That.... Hurt... I know it's nothing like the actual thing but... How are victims supposed to act. Am I supposed to be in my room all the damn time hiding? Am I supposed to hate men? (I mean I'm uncomfortable around them)
But then he got me thinking, am I really worth the commitment? I mean I had boyfriends who broke up with me because I was "weighing them down" I only talked about it once. Other times they'd say "so you're into rape like things eh?" Before they made me suck them off or pin me against the wall. And... Am I not capable of love? I... Gah!!! How am I supposed to act. I make sexual jokes because it gives me a small bit of control. I don't hate men, I hate myself for getting raped on more than one occasion. I go out to seize the day because damnit, I love life!
I mean I have a great boyfriend now, but I feel bad because I'm making him wait and I feel like at some point he's going to snap and rape me like everyone else! And he's sooo supportive. I cried when we were messing around, (he basically started kissing my neck, chest, stomach, vagina) and I almost moaned but I panicked because the last time I moaned they went faster. I just... Do I act like a rape victim? Am I supposed to act a certain way?
I don't know, that's just... Been on my mind. Anyway so any help would be sorta nice. I just... I want to be normal!
Along with that, my mum isn't understanding very much. My mood verys way to much and she just thinks I'm overreacting. I don't talk to her much and when I do, I'm snappy. I think it's because I'm now scared that she won't believe me. She knows but the way she's been acting... I just.. I don't know. I told her what ghost pains are and she compared it to stress. She said she's under stress from work and me snapping at her doesn't help her. I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS RAPED AND SHES ACTING LIKE... IM inconveniencing her.... She... I don't understand.
Anyway thanks,
Cry
I am not sure how a person 'acts like they have been raped'. My guess is this person has watched too much crime drama on tv and expects you to act like a rape survivor does on tv. But I do think it's an odd statement.
Yes you are behaving 'normal' for what you have been through. Most of us do not share with the world that we have been sexually abused and are usually very good at creating an illusion that nothing has happened. Being triggered during intimacy is also very common. I am glad your boyfriend is understanding and I pray he does not force you into a situation you are not ready for. If you do start therapy you will heal all aspects of what happened which will include being able to be intimate with someone. You definitely are worth the commitment - the commitment to heal and the commitment to be patient. You can heal and you deserve to heal but first you need to start working with a therapist. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. ((Hugs))