Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I truly believe that my hanging on to the trauma from sexual abuse is the heart and soul of all evil in my life. I KNOW I am a good person and want others to be happy and do well in life. I know I am capable of being sober and living a happy lifestyle myself, but I swear i feel like I am two people... the good hearted innocent, intelligent me and then there is the damaged hurt, sinful, alcoholic, hateful, vengeful, shameful, me. I am tired, I am so tired, I thought I had forgave my mom and step dad, I thought I dealt with this many times. but the pain keeps happening, over and over and over again. As far back as I can remember my step dad was extremely inappropriate with me, once i hit puberty he would tell me I am almost ready, he would walk in on me in the shower, talk about "auctioning" my virginity on the phone to his friends. He began touching me and convinced me if I told my mom she wouldnt believe me. He would sneak in my room when I was sleeping and jack off on my face. I finally had enough. When I was 13 I pressed charges and my mom stood up in court when I was 13 and trying to convict my step dad of abuse and she called me a liar. the charges were dropped. I came home from school the day after court and my things were packed up and my mom sent me to a foster home. I have been in 4 foster homes, 3 group homes, a mental hospital, treatment centres, jail and many shelters since. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression with possibilities of bi polar and split personality disorder. I drank like a fish for years, I have tried every drug that didnt involve a needle and slept with more men then samantha jones on sex and the city. I am now 23 years old, I have a 7 year old son and I am class president of my business program in college. Yet I still manage to get black out drunk every couple months, I harbour this horrible anger. I mean sometimes I wish my best friends would fall flat on their face and feel pain even remote to what I have felt, or when Im not wishing bad on others I am assuming they are thinking horrible things about me. I think it's safe to say I was never really "raised" as my mother was a abusive drinker for most of my childhood. I need to know ways to deal with this because everytime I reach out, the doctors or psychologists or therapists or addictions counselor only try to put me on medication and to be that isn't the kind of help I really need. Please let me know how you have overcome any of these things. I keep trying to put a brave face on but I know in my heart I carry too much pain. I am tired, so very tired.
I struggle with the things you talked about also.
It's crazy that I've knocked out a meth addiction but I'm still stuck on binge drinking. I think one reason why it's so hard is because it's more accepting to drink in every day society. It's hardest for me to say no when I'm in a social atmosphere with a lot of friends around, encouraging me to "have a drink." It's even harder when my anxiety and fear that people are staring at me and judging me are taking over my thoughts.
What happen to you was a terrible, terrible thing. I went through a lot growing up too. I was once an innocent child and I turned into the "troubled child." In a way I felt like I deserved it. I let the things that happened to me define the kind of person I acted like. I felt like since my innocence was gone I had to start acting like this new person. That's what I deserved. That isn't how it's supposed to be though. After years of depression, addiction, regret and all of the feelings that usually come along with being sexually abuse and abandon, with God in my life I started to get back to the person I am. I believe that if you put your trust in the Lord, and have faith, He will help you.
I also did what you did and assumed my closest friends didn't know half the pain that I did. It could be true but everyone's life is different. You might be suprised at what people can hide from even the ones closest to them. Everybody goes through things, but there is always someone that's had it worse than you.
It's so much harder to get back to the reality of life when you're holding on to the person you wish you could've been or the life you wish you could've had. Meanwhile a lot of people let potentially beautiful years go by because they are dwelling on the woulda coulda shoulda's in life. I think everything happens for a reason and overcoming the guilt, anger, shame, fear, sadness are all a part of a process and plan in life.
There is a reason why you are still here on this earth today. God hasn't given up on you. You asked how I overcame the things that have happen to me. I still struggle with trying to live a healthy life and do what's right. I still slip up but it's getting so much easier everyday, the more I pray. I take it things are getting easier for you, even though you said you still have hard days. It doesn't sound like you take much acknowledgement for the things you have overcome. It sounds like your life is getting better and you're able to talk about what happen. That's always a positive step in the right direction.
I hope things continue to get better for you. I got out of that terrible place I was in and I know that with God as your strength you can too.
I have just recently come to understand in those years, I was not allowed to be the person God created me to be. God has put me in a place to allow that to happen.
"I keep trying to put a brave face on but I know in my heart I carry too much pain. I am tired, so very tired."
I hear the rock-bottom fatigue in your post. You have reason to be tired.
And I agree that meds are not the long-term help survivors need. Meds do little more than treat symptoms instead of getting to that deep well of pain survivors carry.
For me, heldback, my healing required I attend to body, mind, and spirit. For body, I started out with chiropractic, then went to cranial-sacral work, then myofascia and finally to Radix which is a body-mind bodywork.
Because there are many different types of bodywork out there it requires exploration to find out what works for you. But, IMO, bodywork is a critical part of healing.
Eating right also relates to the body. I have just come to a place in my life where I have realized that that saying is true, "You are what you eat." This saying is true as it relates to your body.
I know it sounds strange because you are so young, but I would recommend Caldwell Esselstyn's book, Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease. Although his focus is on preventing heart disease, I personally believe that eating like Esselstyn recommends can only be good for survivors.
You drink to deaden the pain. I ate. Just give it a read and see what you think.
To heal my mind I did many things: therapy, journaling, collage-making, workshops, 12-step groups, anger workshops, EMD-R, hypnosis, regression, career coaching, tons of reading on topic, tons of reading off-topic LOL. Though in fact, the off-topic reading helped me figure out how to act in life.
I was introduced to the classics and read from the French, Russian, Spanish, and American writers. Each one opened possibilities for me because I was terribly confused about so many things in life. Plus, I had no sense of who I was.
And through all the healing I looked to Spirit. I encountered Spirit in meditation, at retreats, in the word, through my wonderful, beloved dog who taught me what unconditional love looked and felt like, and I experienced Spirit through others.
I wish I could say it was a quick and easy fix but it is not. It has been a long, hard journey...yet, words fail to describe the rewards along the way. And they fail miserably to tell you what it meant to me when...
I found me.