I was specific once in a handwritten diary (which was later used as evidence). I didn't personally get any benefit from it aside from the fact that it was used as evidence during the investigation. I've been open about the events surrounding the investigation (cooperative but emotionally absent or cruel mother), open about the rape itself, and open about my family's financial situation during that time. Nothing seems to happen. I'm still generally numb.

I personally found no advantage to being specific. I think people can surmise what happened. As to the extent, length of time, number times, how many preps etc. These types of details I found useful. But the details of the attacks themselves I think is too much for anyone to hear because they generally cannot relate.

As to being in denial be careful because it is easy to say I am aware the abuse happened, and I know it was not my fault is only a small part of stepping out of denial. Unless you recognize that you were wounded and hurt, then you cannot connect to the wounds and if you cannot connect to your wounds then they cannot heal. I spent forty years doing as you are and I had never connected to the truth that the abuse was not over, and it had damaged me, wounded me and hurt me. I had never allowed myself to connect to the pain and truth. That is the real denial.

I suppose it depends on why you're being specific and to whom... I've only really ever said the specifics twice (to my therapist), and even then I probably glossed over certain things. I found it surprisingly hard to say the words out loud. Typically, they say if something is hard (emotionally) then it must be a sign of growth... I'm sure if that applies here or not. On the other hand, keeping it in or not vocalizing it seems to keep it in the dark... and continues to make it seem more powerful.

As others have suggested, I guess it depends on who you're being specific with, why and who's idea was it..

If you're asked specifics (except by a police officer or similar in the lines of evidence or investigation to which you consent) I'd suggest you run a mile. No one has the right to ask you that unless YOU want to say.

If it's you that feels you need to talk about the specifics, it's probably going to be helpful. so long as it's with someone you know and trust.

If you don''t feel you want to talk about the specifics, don't. You can continue to heal without doing so. If you need to in future, the time will come when you're ready to.

Trust your instincts.

Thank you drbeaker, well put from a proffesional side, I have never had a therapist ask me to give details. I have had misguided family members do so, for me it is such a personal thing and sexual abuse is a broad term that gets the point across.

Your thoughts are well appreciated. Thank you so very much. I feel a lot of support in this group and tears come out as I type this.

I am still sorting things out and I know that I over analyze things, but I definitely want to start trusting my instincts more in that respect.

I am well aware of what happened; I remember plenty if not everything. What I am discovering is that I am not in denial about what happened but I am in denial about the extent in which abuse has affected my life to this day. I have been convinced that fir some reason there's something honorable in trying to deal with it all by myself.

I am in the process of learning to trust others and open up.