Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hello everyone! Sorry this is a bit long, and I wish I didn't have to ask you all this, but my friend and I are at a complete short end. There are 3 of us. Me and my friend (A) have both experienced an array of really abusive relationships so we felt at least partially qualified to talk to our mutual friend (B) about hers.
B lives with her boyfriend who has been abusing her and we finally said enough is enough, and explained from experience that these guys will only stop when you make them, when they are gone. After a lot of talking and getting her feelings out, she came to realize that even without the abuse they're unhappy together and want different things and broke it off. We were so relieved until she told her parents.
Her dad was sort of supportive, but her mum has essentially told her that as much as the abuse isn't okay, "no wonder he's mad at her when she spends very little time with him", she even blamed A for it, said that if she didn't spend so much time with A maybe they'd be happier. And maybe if they give it time they can get back together! This is a man who has grabbed her round the throat in public, with no means to explain himself! She's also told her that she should ignore what we have to say about the whole thing.
We strongly believe that she should never see him again, and until her mum intervened she agreed with that. Now she's told him they can be friends and I think he's going to coerce her back into the relationship. I know her mum doesn't want her to be bullied into making decisions but that's, perhaps unintentionally, exactly what she's doing to her. We gave her the facts we had to offer and she came to the decision on her own and her mum is manipulating her and taking her away from her main important support system. A is with B most days, because B is her carer, and she doesn't live near her parents, she lives near us. We can be there for her and her mum is, perhaps unintentionally, destroying any chances B has at getting away from her terrible boyfriend. If it wasn't for us, her mum wouldn't even know the full story, because we encouraged her that if she wanted to tell her parents about breaking up with her boyfriend she should probably tell the truth, so that they could understand.
A and I have talked about this at length and think we should let her mum call the shots for a bit, but if B comes to us for advice, we're still going to give her our honest feelings and be really supportive even though we're quite upset about how this all panned out, and that A is getting blamed for sexual and physical abuse she has no control over.
We were wondering if anyone here had any advice because we don't want to make the wrong move with something so important, we can't bear the thought of him hurting her again. We understand she has to make her own decisions, but can we watch her decisions be so misled? We are her only support here, and we have experience, we care and we can't believe anyone would tell their daughter to get back with an abusive man! Please help if you can. We want to handle this in the best way possible for B as we love her very much and can't bare to have this go wrong! Any opinion here is really important to us.
Love and support to you all,
TsukikoSCG xxx
B lives with her boyfriend who has been abusing her and we finally said enough is enough, and explained from experience that these guys will only stop when you make them, when they are gone. After a lot of talking and getting her feelings out, she came to realize that even without the abuse they're unhappy together and want different things and broke it off. We were so relieved until she told her parents.
Her dad was sort of supportive, but her mum has essentially told her that as much as the abuse isn't okay, "no wonder he's mad at her when she spends very little time with him", she even blamed A for it, said that if she didn't spend so much time with A maybe they'd be happier. And maybe if they give it time they can get back together! This is a man who has grabbed her round the throat in public, with no means to explain himself! She's also told her that she should ignore what we have to say about the whole thing.
We strongly believe that she should never see him again, and until her mum intervened she agreed with that. Now she's told him they can be friends and I think he's going to coerce her back into the relationship. I know her mum doesn't want her to be bullied into making decisions but that's, perhaps unintentionally, exactly what she's doing to her. We gave her the facts we had to offer and she came to the decision on her own and her mum is manipulating her and taking her away from her main important support system. A is with B most days, because B is her carer, and she doesn't live near her parents, she lives near us. We can be there for her and her mum is, perhaps unintentionally, destroying any chances B has at getting away from her terrible boyfriend. If it wasn't for us, her mum wouldn't even know the full story, because we encouraged her that if she wanted to tell her parents about breaking up with her boyfriend she should probably tell the truth, so that they could understand.
A and I have talked about this at length and think we should let her mum call the shots for a bit, but if B comes to us for advice, we're still going to give her our honest feelings and be really supportive even though we're quite upset about how this all panned out, and that A is getting blamed for sexual and physical abuse she has no control over.
We were wondering if anyone here had any advice because we don't want to make the wrong move with something so important, we can't bear the thought of him hurting her again. We understand she has to make her own decisions, but can we watch her decisions be so misled? We are her only support here, and we have experience, we care and we can't believe anyone would tell their daughter to get back with an abusive man! Please help if you can. We want to handle this in the best way possible for B as we love her very much and can't bare to have this go wrong! Any opinion here is really important to us.
Love and support to you all,
TsukikoSCG xxx
I grew up with this woman so, even as an adult, I followed her rules. I had to learn to set boundaries with my entire family but mostly with my mother. This takes time - of which your friend doesn't have much. I personally would not stop talking to your friend and supporting her. But support must be there for all her decisions. If she decides to stay - support that decision and let her know you are there for her if she needs someone to talk to. If she decides to leave support this decision also without saying "Thank God. I thought you would never leave (aka judgment)".
You may also want to suggest she go to a therapist/counselor. If she is listening to her mother because she is an authority figure in her life then she needs another authority figure to offset (say the opposite) what her mother is saying. This will empower her to stop listening to her mother. A good therapist will also help her to set boundaries.
In the end, your friend needs to be in the right mindset to be able to leave this man AND not listen to her mother. This will take time so please try to be patient with her.
Take care
P.S. Great job getting out of your abusive relationship by the way. :-)
You can't make this decision for he I am sad to say, nor can you convince her mother that what she is saying is wrong. I have recetnly had it explained to me that until very recently, this kind of abuse was seen as normal and accepted. A large number of older women struggle to speak out about abuse because they truly believe it was part of a normal relationship and that may be where your friend's mother is speaking from. She may well have endured abusive relationships herself as she believed it was her fault, and to recognise what her duaghter is going through now would mean acknowledging that something bad happened to her. I am just speculating here, you would be in a better position than I to judge whether what I am saying holds any weight.
Be there for her, don't judge her and let her know she is loved.
Thank you so much, for your advice and sharing your own experiences. It means the world that you got back to me about this.
Love and support to you both,
Thank you!!! xxx