Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hello,
I've joined because I think I need an extended support network. I'm going to explain what has happened, don't want to upset anyone.
When I was about nine, I had seen an episode of casualty and there was a patient on there with HIV. I spoke to my stepfather and he explained bits and pieces to me. He then took me into his and my mother's bedroom to discuss it further. I went with him, why wouldn't I? I trusted him. He described to me how men passed the disease on through their sperm, but struggled describing how women pass it on. He had me take off my pants so he could show me what I made that passed it on. I can remember him touching me, then withdrawing and rubbing the cervical mucus (sorry tmi) between his fingers. I felt uncomfortable at the time but didn't understand why. A few days later he wanted to talk to me again as he had bought a condom to show me. In that conversation he offered to show me where my clitoris was. At this point I felt more than a little uncomfortable and really didn't want to take my pants off, so I said no, it was alright I didn't want to know. He tried to push the issue and I remained stong and said no. He didn't have any private conversations with me after that, but as I got older, he would try to kiss me, he would be overly...touchy feely always invaded my personal space. When I was eighteen I had my nipple pierced and he constantly asked me to see it.
I didn't tell anyone until I was in my twenties, at which point I spoke to my sister and her husband. Both were...sympathetic at first, but afterwards they treated me like I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I fell pregnant, I told my husband about what had happened to me and he said I needed to talk to my mum as our child would never be allowed to stay there overnight. I whole heartedly agreed but decided to wait until after the birth as I didn't want any extra stress while pregnant. Once my baby was born, I had the conversation with my mum in August 2013. At the time she was mortified and asked me if she should leave him. I told her that wasn't my decision. She wanted me to talk to him with her, but I declined saying I never wanted to see him again. After she had spoken to him, she came round to my house, and told me he had admitted it had happened but the circumstances were different according to him. He said that I had been worried about discharge and gone to him asking about it and she was out (She was never allowed to go out without him by the way, so that's a lie) so he only had a look at it to put my mind at rest. The second conversation he said took place because I asked him if a woman could still enjoy sex after a hysterectomy. He told mum he didn't know why he had offered to show me my clitoris and regretted it. She made excuses for him saying he was a new dad and didn't know what to do. I pointed out that my husband was new to parenting and wouldn't have done anything like that.
My mother decided to stay with him, my family have decided to forgive him and they now view me as a petulant child as I won't see him and won't go anywhere he will be. My grandmother (mum's mum) has rung me a couple of times, asking if I can forgive him, and saying that maybe, someday I could be right with everyone. This hurts me. I don't know what to do or how to cope as the support I though I would have, isn't there.
As I grew up, I self harmed. At the age of twelve I started scratching the skin on my arms until it bled. I moved on to using razors as I grew older. I have lost time through black outs as a result of the abuse at college, university and in my job. I sometimes fell like I'm a fraud because compared to what a lot of people go through, what he did "isn't that bad". But I wonder what might have happened had I not had the strength to say no. Since the incident I have been a victim of rape twice and my counsellor told me that I was more susceptible because he had destroyed my boundaries when I was young, so I didn't recognise the danger. I'm not sure how true that is.
I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of being here...maybe to find the support that my family have denied me. Sorry for the essay.
I've joined because I think I need an extended support network. I'm going to explain what has happened, don't want to upset anyone.
When I was about nine, I had seen an episode of casualty and there was a patient on there with HIV. I spoke to my stepfather and he explained bits and pieces to me. He then took me into his and my mother's bedroom to discuss it further. I went with him, why wouldn't I? I trusted him. He described to me how men passed the disease on through their sperm, but struggled describing how women pass it on. He had me take off my pants so he could show me what I made that passed it on. I can remember him touching me, then withdrawing and rubbing the cervical mucus (sorry tmi) between his fingers. I felt uncomfortable at the time but didn't understand why. A few days later he wanted to talk to me again as he had bought a condom to show me. In that conversation he offered to show me where my clitoris was. At this point I felt more than a little uncomfortable and really didn't want to take my pants off, so I said no, it was alright I didn't want to know. He tried to push the issue and I remained stong and said no. He didn't have any private conversations with me after that, but as I got older, he would try to kiss me, he would be overly...touchy feely always invaded my personal space. When I was eighteen I had my nipple pierced and he constantly asked me to see it.
I didn't tell anyone until I was in my twenties, at which point I spoke to my sister and her husband. Both were...sympathetic at first, but afterwards they treated me like I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I fell pregnant, I told my husband about what had happened to me and he said I needed to talk to my mum as our child would never be allowed to stay there overnight. I whole heartedly agreed but decided to wait until after the birth as I didn't want any extra stress while pregnant. Once my baby was born, I had the conversation with my mum in August 2013. At the time she was mortified and asked me if she should leave him. I told her that wasn't my decision. She wanted me to talk to him with her, but I declined saying I never wanted to see him again. After she had spoken to him, she came round to my house, and told me he had admitted it had happened but the circumstances were different according to him. He said that I had been worried about discharge and gone to him asking about it and she was out (She was never allowed to go out without him by the way, so that's a lie) so he only had a look at it to put my mind at rest. The second conversation he said took place because I asked him if a woman could still enjoy sex after a hysterectomy. He told mum he didn't know why he had offered to show me my clitoris and regretted it. She made excuses for him saying he was a new dad and didn't know what to do. I pointed out that my husband was new to parenting and wouldn't have done anything like that.
My mother decided to stay with him, my family have decided to forgive him and they now view me as a petulant child as I won't see him and won't go anywhere he will be. My grandmother (mum's mum) has rung me a couple of times, asking if I can forgive him, and saying that maybe, someday I could be right with everyone. This hurts me. I don't know what to do or how to cope as the support I though I would have, isn't there.
As I grew up, I self harmed. At the age of twelve I started scratching the skin on my arms until it bled. I moved on to using razors as I grew older. I have lost time through black outs as a result of the abuse at college, university and in my job. I sometimes fell like I'm a fraud because compared to what a lot of people go through, what he did "isn't that bad". But I wonder what might have happened had I not had the strength to say no. Since the incident I have been a victim of rape twice and my counsellor told me that I was more susceptible because he had destroyed my boundaries when I was young, so I didn't recognise the danger. I'm not sure how true that is.
I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of being here...maybe to find the support that my family have denied me. Sorry for the essay.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
What your stepfather did to you was so wrong. Please remember that he is to blame for what happened and not you. Please don't minimize what happened. You were viollated and it doesn't matter how often it happened or how 'bad' it was...it's all bad. What happened to you was bad but you can heal from it. I would urge you to find a therapist who specializes on sexual abuse. They will help you process the multitude of emotions that you are feeling right now and will validate them. If you are unable to get a therapist right now, please keep talking to us here. There are so many caring understand people here who want to help. It's a wonderful site.
Take care
One thing my therapist told me is that it's important to get the anger out even if you don't feel it. Here are some ways to get the anger out safely:
-Scream and yell. This can just be a sound or you can add words to it. Have your husband watch your daughter and go for a drive. I did some of my best screaming in the car.
-Punch a pillow. When your daughter goes down for a nap go in the other room and punch the crap out of a pillow.
-Journal. I would write (type) out all my anger and then I would burn it. It can be very cleansing. This worked best for me when I was getting my anger out at my mother. Didn't work so well with the anger I had for the abuser.
When it came to getting my anger out on the abuser I bought a body size pillow and drew a face on it. I punched that pillow and strangled it so many times. Even if I didn't feel the anger I still worked with that pillow.
When I was working with each of my inner children to heal from the abuse (from 8-12) I let each one of them kill him in her own way. This, of course was done in my mind, and I must say, I came up with some pretty inventive and disgusting ways to kill him. I did this with each inner child over and over again until I could move past it. I also 'rescued' them over and over again (also in my mind). I would picture myself going into the scene and tearing the man off of that little me. It took some time and lots of repetition but I did move past all this.
You can do this too but it will be difficult with your daughter at your appointments. Plus, it's not fair to her to have her in the room when so many intense feelings are swirling around - I'm sure she can feel them. Is there a babysitting service in your area. Or can you make appointments when your husband is home so he can watch her?
I used to have a journal, I may have to take that up again.
A huge part of me is glad I didn't disclose as a child, as if I had I would be well and truly alone.