sometimes. Sometimes it's just the feeling of just hurry up and get it over with. When I was going thru flashbacks though I couldn't even stand to have him touch me sexually. weird. depends on if its on my mind, so I try to not have the assault or abuse on my mind. Make sense?

Makes a lot of sense. It's such a huge struggle sometimes. Thank you. :)

Intimacy issues are very common after sexual abuse or rape because intimacy and sex become a trigger for us. The best way I know to heal this is to work with a therapist. To actually talk to someone about what happened and allow yourself to feel all the feelings that you have probably not allowed yourself to feel yet.

Shame is also a very common feeling and it is possible to heal to the point where you no longer feel ashamed. Shame only has power when you don't talk about the event that caused you to feel it. Talking to a therapist (or maybe you have a great friend who will listen compassionately) about what happened will remove the shame you feel.

You can heal from what happened and you can go on to have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend/husband - without being triggered all the time. Hopefully you are working with someone but if you are not I hope you will consider it because you do deserve to heal.

Take care

I don't feel shame as such but if he touches me in a sexual way first I am immediately shut down. I need my brain turned on first and then then rest of my body stimulated before we do anything even remotely intimate or i am triggered. otherwise it is a case of 'ok, just hurry up and get it over iwth'. give yourself plenty of time and a relaxed ambiance. light a few candles, get some essential oils and concentrate on how beautiful you are and how good you feel and you deserve it. good luck with it. please don't feel shame. it was never your fault!

This is very common. sadly. It took a very long time for me to feel comfortable having relations even though physically I wanted to.
The emotional impact was and still can be devastating. I have broken down in tears after because of the shame and guilt I feel, though I have not done anything to feel that way.
I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I have yet to have that happen. Like you said sometimes it is fine, but then it hits me like a freight train out of control.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can find peace despite this.

Thank you, everyone for your responses. I talked about with my fiance and my best friend. My fiance was very supportive and understanding, which helps tremendously in the bedroom. My best friend was never sexually assaulted, but she always tears up when I tell her my experiences. She's great to talk to. It does help to talk. I know it wasn't my fault. And in a sense, I feel like I'm slowly gaining control of my sexuality. Hugs to you all!! Thank you!