I understand, you do what is right for you and your son. Your a good mother and that is all that matters. Forgiveness for your mother may or may not come. I have not yet forgiven my mother and she has been dead for a long time. I try not to dwell on it but instead concentrate on my own healing. Baby steps. Hope that helps, take care.

I am so sorry for what you have gone thorugh.
I am also proud of you and what you have achieved. You have gone on to be a better person.
In my opinion you do not have forgive anyone at all. It is not an essential in healing.
For me there was one person I needed to forgive and that was myself, I blamed myself for a long time, thought it was my fault, which is usual. But it was not my fault I was not to blame therefore I forgave myself.

As far as I'm concerned, your anger towards your mother is completely understandable and natural. You've vented it to her now. Acceptance of your feelings is the first step in letting go. It's really important not to beat yourself up for your anger - you can work on it inwardly, or expressing it in counselling or with a trusted friend, or writing, or smashing plates. it takes time for these feelings to work their way through. I'd though I'd forgiven my dad, but the anger circled back and I was angry for years and years - he'd died long before this.
Be gentle with yourself. You're still young, give yourself and your feelings time.

Forgiveness has been a process for me, and not just a one time and it's done thing. You are still living with her and you had that blow out. People have conflicts as a normal course, and the thing is to learn better social skills than to throw things verbally at each other like that.
Your mom has 'issues' as you know, and a lot of people have some kind of issue, and you have 'issues' too, So the quesiton is, how are you going to continue to live together and get along?

Hiya,

You only NEED forgive yourself.

Your molester and mom, karma will take care of them... It always gives people back what they give away.

As why you can't forgive, I've learned this: Our parents are to nurture and protect us, neither your mom (or my parents too!) or step-dad protected you.

Maybe, if this still bothers you: find a women's rape support group or LPC to help you address and process your thoughts and emotions and behaviors towards/with your mom.

Mahalo, Brian

Resentment is letting someone live in your head without paying rent. Forgiveness doesn't mean you FORGET so much as you let the Universe worry about crushing them to dust in time.

The long process to forgiveness starts in recovery. Please get counceling. A mom that was abused is so much more likely to raise an abused child. No matter how much you don't want to be like her it will rear its ugly head. Counceling is the best way to
prevent repeating it. I hear you want to teach your child a better way off life. Actions speak louder than words. You are off to an amazing start getting cleaned up and on the right track. There is more work to be done/resolved. Life is so amazing when it is lived beyond the survival mode.

You'll never forget. Someone once told me that a big part of trauma is how the people around you react to it. It makes it all the worse when a parent contributes in some way and doesn't protect. I can relate. Although, I still blame myself, I also somewhat blame my parents for not protecting me enough. Forgiveness is not what you see in after school specials. You won't miraculously absolve her of everything she has done to you and have a healthy relationship. It just means you can move past it and work on yourself so that you can achieve a brighter future for you and your son.

Forgiveness is such a loaded word and means different things to different people. I dk what it means to you exactly. I do know this. For those who choose to forgive, it is the last step in a long healing process. IMO one cannot truly forgive until they've done the work of recovery and healing which includes the anger. Your step father radically changed the natural, normal direction of your life and development that was your birthright. You've listed many of the ways it has impacted you (the 10 years) but also your mothering which impacts another life, your son's.
The abuse profoundly affected you...an innocent vulnerable child who bares zero, zero responsibility. As that gets processed, there's profound emotions needing to be expressed and released ie sadness and grief etc AND equal measures of anger/rage that ALL survivors rightfully have. Truly forgiving him will not be easy. You say you have to a point (btw his being abused and other things you said means squat to that 4-13 yr old girl inside you (nor should they) and it is she, not the rational adult you who must forgive.) I'm just saying true forgiveness is relatively rare and can only happens when all the other difficult work is done. Forgiveness is tied to a great extent to the anger, rage, resentment, all those negative feelings that shouldn't need to be part of your life but for what he did, forgiveness is when you've expressed and processed those powerful emotions as much and as long as it takes and they no longer serve a purpose in your life and you have complete clarity that all the shame and guilt and negative feeling you've felt for yourself are not yours to carry...it ALL belongs on your sf's... solely.

This clarity allows you to finally forgive yourself and this should be done first. Forgiving him is not forgetting it's merely turning loose of all the residual anger and saying in essence, I refuse to allow this anger and resentment to continue to influence and be part of me, to impact me and those I love and prevent me from giving all of myself to them as it keeps me indirectly keeps me bound to you and thus to some extent controlled by you. I choose to let it go by forgiving you and releasing it. It doesn't in any way condone what you did which will always remain completely abhorrent nor just it mean I want or will accept any contact or relationship with you, if I chose to the extent and degree are completely decided by me. It's just refusing to carry this anger around any longer...the point is you do it solely for YOU it really has little to do with him. It's freeing of yourself.

I'll post a separate reply about you mother

The act of forgiveness remains the same with your mother..only more difficult as long as she remains in denial. I have to say, in many ways I really get why your anger and rage toward her is so acute. Your SF was a sick man, stole your innocence and childhood and it will take time and work to heal from it...she however is your bio mom.
What your mother did is in many ways equally evil and sick and goes against the natural genetically encoded laws of nature..the mother's instinct to protect and support and nurture their children. I can understand how having her betray you, call you a liar, deny reality, show no compassion or empathy for the pain you've suffered by refusing to believe her own daughter and instead choosing to stand by the perp!..the slime ball who stole your childhood and caused you so much pain and to do it all in such an over the top and purposefully cruel way by choosing to humiliate you in such a public way in open court, is more painful than what her husband did..

Your rage and anger toward her is totally understandable and justified. It's tragic how common this is within the survivor community. I am so sorry...your mother is as sick as your SF..it's evil. And then she compounds it by having the audacity to judge and condemn you for behaviors and actions directly caused the abuse and your struggle to cope with the emotional damage done. But for her to judge you as a mother is completely beyond the pale! Good for you for what you said! It was not harsh, it was the truth! You say you don't want to blame her...my God, how could you not? She DID close her eyes to what was happening and didn't protect you (and btw,and this is a hard truth to hear but.. she knew..in denial yes so probably not consciously but knew nonetheless...I won't explain here but I promise you she knew)
I'm sorry but your mother is such a sick woman, poor mother and doesn't sound like a nice person in general. It's understandable your not wanting to lose your mother..no one does but based on what you've written, you've already lost her. You may want to but you literally CAN'T let it go and be true to yourself and be healthy. Your anger is justified and healthy. Please don't suppress it. Right now what's essential and most important is YOU taking care of YOU. I don't want to tell you what to do but I want to give an honest reply and IMO she sounds extremely toxic and detrimental to your life, recovery and ability to heal. You may want to consider limiting contact and relationship with her until you get some clarity of how it's possible (for you) to have a relationship with a mother who not only betrayed you at the worst possible time and continues to wound you further as she continues to think of you as a liar, remains in denial and because of it can't be a mother as she's literally unable to support and be a positive influence in your life, someone who can help you to heal.

I dk if you can but I'd strongly suggest finding a therapist to help you sort through all your conflicted feelings and help you learn how to cope with a mother who continues to think you a liar and who is judging you...not to mention assisting you in healing from 9 years of abuse through your most formative years. You have a lot on your plate. IMO and if even possible, your only hope of having a healthy and not destructive relationship with your mother is if she comes out of her denial and believes you...only then can she be the mother you need and no doubt will take a mediator to help. You can come to forgive her even if she never believes you. I don't see how you have a relationship that's anything but destructive though until she believes you. Good luck...take care of you and your son.

I guess I should have read your journal before writing my second long ass reply...oh well lol I'm glad your mother accepts the truth....(her remark was still out of line though)