Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
I am an ACOA and am currently still in my marriage of almost 16 years. About 2 1/2 years ago I did have a sudden realization that I did want and need more. (For close to 11 years now, I went with miniscule amounts of communication, no affection, and very little help.) Stbx had an issue and did completely shut down, both physically and emotionally. The thing is, he is perfectly content. For me though, after an entire life of giving and doing for others, I realized I wanted a little something back I tried doing the same as he does. It is a very empty existence and I had nothing to look forward to and dreaded each new day (am kind of there again now... which scares me)
Then a few things happened. (I do believe each does serve as a lesson to get me a bit further on my journey ) First, I would answer an innocent chat "hello" on a gamesite. I mentioned it to stbx hoping he would say he rather I not chat with another man a zilion miles away orthat he may be a smidge jealous. He laughed. To me that said he couldn't imagine anyone interested in chatting with me or worse, he didn't care. From a complete stranger I would begin to open up and share and come to find so much of what I have been missing. Down the line he realized maybe he should not have said that and asked me to stop not only chatting with him, but stop coming on here and sharing with others. he wanted me to talk to him instead of others. I did try, but told him I wasn't giving up with others bacause they all allowed me to say whatever was on my mind. I did not have to censor my words or walk on eggshells and was finding what I needed... support, encouragement, an occasional "virtual headslap" to get ne back on track and out of a funk. I was realizing I was "allowed" to want more and beginning to step back into life again.
Then a cousin died very suddenly froma very aggressive type of cancer. She was just 3 years older than me. It occured to me that as I am still here, why I I just biding (and wasting) time when there is so much more . More lives to reach out to , more things to do and experience and I began to want to reach out and make up for lost time. By this time, I mentioned why I wasn't happy to stbx many times. As time went on, I mentioned divorce. he said he will try to do better. Did ... for about 3 days... after that, I get the look and smile... "You know how I am." (Yes, and that is a big part of the problem)
Fast forward to now. The divorce is filed and served, but temporarily stalled again. (for several reasons) We are still under the same roof...getting along . he is trying here and there and I appreciate the effort, but I am still feeling stagnant and , once again, with NOTHING to look forward to. Just found out he needs surgery on his other foot the second week in August. I will need to be Nancy Nurse and Suzy Chauffeur once again. (Please don't get me wrong, I do want to do for and care about others) There will always be a time when he needs me. he tells me he does want and love me. (Maybe I just can't feel anything anymore?)
I have been going to a support group. Divorce Care. it is a Christian faith based group... which is fine as I do consider myself a Christian on target with their beliefs. That being said, I do have my moments going back to the fear of wrath for being "bad" In my dysfunctional family, I was taught to be a good girl . I would keep to myself, do all that I could to stay out of trouble and not draw attention to myself (or our screwed up family) I would also be taught to be ashamed of my body and feel guilty for even thinking about any type of physical touch. FF to finally, with the help of several bouts of counseling and contact with many who have since helped reassure me that is just f**ed up.... I have been benefitting from the group and the few there have been supportive. This week the "lesson" was a brutal one for me....
The film went on to share the "acceptable" reasons in God's and the churches eyes for a divorce. Outside of death... a spouse leaving you, getting away from physical abuse or danger... or getting rid of a non Christian spouse... or if your spouse cheated. The fact that the love isn't really there so much anymore does not matter... nor that anger and resentment are building.... nor the fact that you crave intimacy and affection to simply feel alive again. To me, the message I got was to be a good girl and stay and continue to try to make things better.... or I am that bad person. I am already feeling judged and that the fires down below are burning at my damn feet.
I want to believe in a kind, forgiving, loving God. ... the idea of a heaven makes it easier for me to deal with loved ones leaving this earth (and enduring undo pain and suffering here) togo onto somewhere better is a comfort. But feeling I am headed straight to hell for simply being human does make me very sad but angry as well.
After all I have gone through in my life, I have finally broke out of that proverbial shell... reaching out to others to share some of what I have been through to help them as well as asking and hearing their feedback and experiences as well. I have a new found curiosity , boldness to speak out and speak my mind and look for others to do the same. After years of doing without so much,I have found ways to find what I needed without hurting anyone. (but now I wonder if I have been hurting stbx without intending to? I do believe he has done that to me as well)
BACK TO MY ORIGINAL QUESTION---- WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH TO ME WHAT GOD AND OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME? IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER REALLY HAD A GOOD SENSE OF WHAT IS NORMAL AND GOOD???
I am thinking I am tired of trying to live for everyone else and would like to take a chance and search for (and accept) what I want and desperately need? (perhaps I need that virtual headslap to tell me that is ok?..... hmmm, maybe not?)
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Hi. This is my first post. I'm here because my husband is an addict and it's having a negative impact on our marriage and my emotional and mental well being. He's an alcoholic who is also addicted to pornography and video gaming. He spends every moment that he isn't at work or sleeping drinking beer, playing his video games, and looking at porn. He's completely pushed me out of his life. We don't...
Especially when you’re a kid, the intense desire to be really good at something is motivated by the validation and admiration that comes, and not so much for the self-discipline and sense of accomplishment that “normal” kids experience.
This is always a hard one to wrap your head around, but WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It is really hard to walk that walk, but it can be immensely liberating.
Because of the codependency, I do struggle often with a vicious cycle... Hateful verbal abuse does occasionally resurface... brings on the doubt that I am not good enough and that's why God didn't love me enough to bless me with the greatest gift... or that is why I struggle now.....
But then I do take a step back and realize for ALL the things I have been through... each time there has been a reason... a lesson I would come to hear or learn from another because of it. Now I do believe that everyone I do come in contact with (whether here or in person) has served as another stepping stone bringing me one step closer to the happier, healthier life i so desperately want.
I'd like to think you are right . That is the God I choose to believe in
The story about finding people online made me smile.. I relate to it, especially with my experience here on DS :) some of the people here taught me how to feel without hurting myself, to be emphathetic and forgiving, to love myself. I hope you can find friends and supporters here too.
I was not raised to believe in God, so reading this post as been interesting. I kind of understand God’s role in your life now.. as something of a set of morals to live by, or a guiding voice? I realize that I have that too, albeit in a different form, so it’s interesting how religion is a part of your life. Anyway, if the point of life is to be happy, and God wants you to be happy assuming, I’d hope he’d want you to do what makes you happy, and if that’s divorce then so be it.
You are a human. You’re allowed to be a human. You’re allowed to make mistakes and forgive yourself.
You mentioned God... That is another thing I have come to understand. I have come across quite a few who also have different beliefs. .. Other religions, Some who focus more on meditation and drawing their strength from within.... Because of what I have been through or how I have felt, I will not judge or tell others what they should do or believe. I do truly think we ALL need something to believe in... and that is where we do find that sense of morals and that guiding voice...and whatever we each find to bring us there is a good thing
I do struggle with the human part. It is so much easier for me to understand and forgive others (or help them forgive themselves) than it is to allow me that same courtesy. Thank you for reminding me... to love and forgive myself is something I cannot hear enough. (I look forward to the day when I can do that automatically without having to remind myself)
With many thanks and a hug or two.... :)
Occasionally, some very hurtful words from a very dysfunctional family member do catch me on a bad day. I have been reminded by many that he has no basis to his insults or beliefs except to cause the same pain to me that he has endured (some from abuse, some from addictions he chooses over anything else.) I have suffered far too much pain and sadness from him already. He is done stealing from me ( self esteem, happiness, hopes, dreams, even my simple reality)