I am sorry that you, too, are feeling abandoned and alone.

What does it mean when he says “he is in recovery”?

Did he just claim to stop or has there been therapy and exploration of the underlying issues behind the addiction?

Has he ever acknowledged that his problems have hurt you and owned the fact that he should be remorseful about that?

There's been counselling. Tried 5 different therapists untill found one he was finally comfortable with. He says he doesn't do it any more but I have to wonder if he's just found a better way of hiding it after years of saying he's given up n it turns out was another lie. He says he knows he hurt me but I don't see it feel any real remorse. Everything is always about him. H s so wrapped up in his stresses and his problems, and there is always an excuse for everything. Works too stressful coz he's bored it's too stressful coz he's working too hard, it's too stressful being unemployed. He's always tired no matter what. The therapist suggested depression but he won't do anything about it and in the mena time I'm alone dealing with everything house finances kids and being the only one every willing to talk about our problems and try and communicate.

So you have tried - very hard it sounds, to try and keep things held together and to attempt to get back to an emotional place where there is love, respect, trust, and the intimacy that has fully evaporated. Your heroic efforts to do everything to keep the relationship together, in the face of zero interest or effort from your guy, is admirable. That said, in your relationship it sounds as if you are utterly alone in every sense of the word - which is a very dark place to be. That is where I am too.

If he can't appreciate how his conduct, apathy, and bottomless self-pity saddle you with loneliness and hurt - and if he is not willing to do anything to help change that - then the likelihood of things getting better is probably quite low.

I am so sorry you are faced with choices that are range from bad to worse with no way of knowing what the future might look like. I hope, for the kids particularly, it is brighter.

I am very sorry you too know my depsair. I'm so confused, how can someone claim they are in love with you yet not want to make love to you, say repeatably they don't want anyone else yet spend so much time stalking and fantasizing about other women (addiction aside if that's really the case) say they love and care for you yet offer false sympathy and understanding and no real shred of empathy and never any remorse. I'm met with anger on any attempt to communicate and discuss problems and especially if I'm pushed to the point of tears or I'm just simply ignored, how can someone claim to want to be with you yet rather spend more time on phone or laptop games. Not only are my needs not met but they're not even considered, they're unimportant, irrelevant. Are we speaking different languages?

Confused is right. The dissonance between what is said, what is done, and the constellation of what is missing is impossible to make sense of... because it is, literally, nonsense.

In trying to cope, I find that my mood some days (or parts of days) will randomly land on the phases of grieving. Sometimes denial, sometimes bargaining, often denial, rarely a hint of resolution but mostly empty sadness. Pretending to be outwardly okay with that wheel spinning inside is so very hard.

I find it impossible not to feel inadequate and meaningless when there is nothing available from, what is supposed to be, the most important and powerful relationship in one's life. The absent physical touch is really the tip of the iceberg.

P

Distrust is the cancer of relationships, slowly eating away and sucking all the energy and love away slowly, seems you are grieving for a dead or dying relationship and therefore going through all the various emotions, do you talk to a therapist on a regular basis? Although you may not feel like it try and plenty of sleep, exercise and eat regularly and healthier, it's all too easy to slip into a state of not caring about your health which only adds to the emotional turmoil, trust me I can greatly improve your mind set and emotional state. I find I feel even more despair and lonliness after a bad nights sleep, skipped meals or unhealthy meals and my physical health has to come first in order for me to better take care of my children and cope emotionally. My emotions now range from sadness to numbness, I feel the next phase will be acceptance and moving on if he is not willing to tackle the problem of zero initmacy. I have already begun to consider life without him. Being alone would in fact be less lonely.

"Being alone would in fact be less lonely." yes, sadly.

As for me, about a year ago I decided to start taking better care of myself. Did a 3 month couch-to-5K training program and started regularly exercising for the 1st time in my adult life.

At first I though maybe she would join me in doing some walking at 1st, but playing candy crush on the ipad was more attractive, so I went from walking to running and just did it for me because i wanted to see if I could. Weight has never been an issue with me, but being fit and healthy has been a nice change and it brings clarity at times too.

I use all of the tools in my toolbox to be there for my kids, my professional life, and myself. Sounds like you are much in the same space.

Take Care

Pretty much yes, I can't control how he makes me feel but I can control how I feel about myself. He tells me it's all part of the reboot process, a side affect doesn't help me when I'm becoming more and more numb. Thanks for listening

Reboot from "addiction"? That is a BS.

I got sober 21 year ago and one of the 1st orders of business in a sincere recovery is to begin to clean up the wreckage and make amends to those who were most harmed.

How do you make amends if there's no remorse? He says he's been 'sober' if that's the correct word, for 6 months although he got caught out in February and after getting angry at me said it was just that one relapse, o haven't seen any evidence of him going through the phases of recovery so I struggle to see the real change, we've been down this road many times with him claiming he had stopped and turns out he hadn't, one time I truly believe he wanted to because he was struggling. He never apologizes, he's never sorry his only emotional response is anger, he'll tell me he lov s me all the time but I don't see it, o feel used most of the time, he's in and out of jobs leaving me to pay the bills only concerned with what comes out of his account, gives me no break from the kids etc he is very selfish, the therapist said that's all part of depression though but I have to wonder if it's just immaturity ( he's 5 years my junior) maybe I'm just a mum replacement as his own was never much of a mother.

Depression or no....He loves you like a sister, not a lover or a life partner.

I fear your right.

That might be all he is emotionally and intellectually capable of. You deserve so much more. Your kids deserve to see mum authentically happy.

I think your right, it's probably why he's only ever had one relationship before me, it lasted a year and she broke it off due to his heartless behaviour, that was back when he was 18 and still living with his parents. Everyone else up until me have been no more than a month or two flings.

Sorry to hear that Kelly. I can definitely relate to a reminder of how long its been leading to a fight. My wife has no interest in sex and when I remind her how long its been she gets angry I don't know if its me or just no interest in general. It was suggested to me to make a schedule and plan your intimacy(seems a little mechanical to me but that's another story:). Have you tried that? It may work for you.