Lacey, thanks for writing. I'm grateful to hear from you.

I've also been thinking...since a lack of sex was not my idea, occasionally I wonder what the game plan is? Why would my wife get upset if I went out and found sex somewhere else? She doesn't want it with me, so is she saying I shouldn't have it at all? Funny thing is, I don't really want to go out and find someone else, but now I can't imagine being with her either. My fantasies all revolve around sex from before- when I was a different person and the possibilities of being sexual were a part of life.

Another thing that is confusing. I feel like I am keeping. big secret about it. Like none of my friends know. So I feel like I am not able to tell anyone what is going on. It would be such a betrayal to talk about it wth people in our lives. And also....really embarrassing.

Many times women do change and lose their libido when they are premenopausal … or after a few kids come (and they are self conscious about the extra baby weight or simply exhausted and wishing for some help instead of a roll in the hay.)

There are many reasons.... and there is no law that says they have to I guess. It just really bothers me (I guess because I was on the other side of the coin) When one of us wants and needs to feel that connection, why can't the other maybe occasionally be there to help us out? (aid with masturbation or oral?) There was a few times my late husband would joke about helping me out. At first I wanted no parts of that because I told you--- he would try to embarrass me thinking I would just stop like he did. (So the thought of him sharing that with me would have disgusted us both.) Then he mentioned it later... I did joke with him and hint I may be up for that. He laughed and left.

I get that they have their reasoning (whatever it may be) and they are sensitive and do not want to face their own problems-- but I wish they could just let us talk and share --- that we do not blame them for everything, but we need to express how WE are feeling. No matter what, I did always care what others think or feel (as well as myself) Then again-- all of us are different.

In counseling I was surprised to learn that silence was also considered a type of abuse---a form of neglect when occurring between parent and child (feeling like it is much the same between spouses)

Rick- there are so very many others who feel the same as you. They do truly care and see a lot of good qualities in their spouse. Once there are children involved, they are prioritized and their well being does come first and foremost. Seeing your spouse be a caring, nurturing parent is also quite an attribute. (Definitely not someone you would look badly on or want to walk away from... just the opposite) Is just too bad they cannot have that same concern for their spouse as they do for their child.

Exactly. And you know what's weird? I feel like the bad guy for wanting intimacy. Like that is selfish. But it has been years now. And she seems to flinch at the thought of me being near. It's really sad to realize at times that though I can take it one day at a time- a lot of days add up and suddenly you realize you're expected to take your one shot at life without sex being part of your life.

To me it is almost like we are being punished for simply trying to communicate how we feel. I think they flinch and panic because in their mind, everything leads to sex.( Hell, even a little affection or appreciation would have meant the world.) I learned after awhile it was pointless (plus by then I had anger and resentment building up. I no longer cared or wanted a relationship with him. ) Once he realized I was to that point and knew better than to even mention anything he would breathe a sigh of relief. ( I was embarassed and also made to feel ashamed and selfish for ever bringing it up) He got his point across.

Accepting this as our way of life is a hard pill to swallow. I hope and pray that you may be lucky enough to find the courage and opportunity to at least be able to share how this makes you feel. There is something to be said for at least being allowed to have our voice and to even TRY to be heard.

I can’t tell y’all just how much I needed to hear your words today. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, wonderful, and painful thoughts with a stranger. I feel stronger knowing that you’re all here.

OMG I am sooooo very happy to find this group! I thought I was alone in this mess! Who doesn't want an intimate relationship?? Had I known before hand.... I'm 48 years old, first marriage for both my husband and I, and we haven't even celebrated our 2nd anniversary. I thought things would change after we got married...boy was I wrong!! Still waiting to consummate our marriage :(

Most of their game plans are for us to just go without. They don’t want to be intimate with us, but they also don’t want us to be intimate with anyone else. It’s a lose-lose situation. A lot of us only want to be with our spouses, which hurts all the more. Early this year I became so angry, resentful, and disconnected with my wife that I no longer wanted to have sex with her either. Things are going a whole lot better between us now and a spark of interest is coming back...for me anyway.

As for fantasies, I totally get where you’re coming from. I haven’t fantasized about my wife, especially about the great times and places we used to have sex, for probably a few years now. It’s just too painful and leaves me craving her more.

It is a huge secret and a great source of embarrassment. Although, it shouldn’t be. They should be the ones who are ashamed and embarrassed!

But sadly they know all too well how to push our buttons and put it all on us... after all... who would dare to tell someone that their own spouse has not touched you for years? WE are the ones who not only feel their rejection, but shame and guilt thinking it must be something we did. I WILL REMIND YOU ALL--- THIS IS THEIR ISSUE... NOT OURS! We are (and continue to struggle to be) who we have always been... still having hope and desire for that connection, communication, affection and physical touch we did always want. That is what a marriage is all about,

Rick - Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. Parents who are nothing more that roommates, deafening silence and the absence of sex - only to name a few.

My point for writing today is to assure you that you are not alone. It just feels like it in our marriage.

I am new here myself and plan to log on more regular because these are really good folks here and the problem has proven that it will not solve itself.

Best of luck and I hope to hear for you and the rest of this group.

I just wanted to thank everyone on this post for being so brave and honest. It does help not feeling so alone in this. Sorry but grateful that there are people who can relate to what I am going through. Glad I joined this group. I hope everyone is continuing to hang in there. Finding it difficult to watch or read any type of steamy romance stories. I try to tell myself that it's just fantasy but then I remember the wonderful sex my husband and I had when we were young. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other and it was an emotional and physical experience. With some other men I would feel like and object and dirty but with my husband I always felt beautiful, special and just an amazing sense of connection. That is definitely why I miss it so much. Years ago I would've never imagined that I'd end up here. Wanting to be a numb person who never thought of sex. I want to scream to my husband I'm not dead and I don't want to be. I know it would make no difference. I don't want to live like this, I feel stuck. I want to be happy and think that I deserve to be happy. I know that it is possible to be happy without sex but I miss it so much and the lack of it and any other connection with my husband just makes my life seem almost meaningless. If I didn't have kids and an amazing best friend and now DS, I don't know what would keep me going. My relationship with my husband, or I should say how I deal with my relationship with my husband, has left me a shell of what I once was. I have very little self-confidence, I'm terrified to try something new and just don't believe in my ability to get a job. I've thought about going back to school, I used to be an excellent student, but I don't even feel confident in that. I say these things because I think that having a job or being in school would provide self-esteem and distraction. But here I sit out of work, terrified in what the future holds and no partner to hold me, to comfort me, to say "we're in this together or we've got this". I am missing sex and I am missing companionship. My previous marriage was very abusive and my husband cheated on me many times. Somehow this hurts more. We barely tolerate each other and try not to occupy the same space in the house at the same time. What is truly heartbreaking and something I'll never forgive myself for is that a year ago my son made many attempts to stop this distance between my husband and I. He'd force our hands together, he'd ask us to sit next to each other, he'd make up games that he needed both mommy and daddy to be present for to play. He has given up, he's used to having time with us separately. I know this is not good, but it's gotten to the point that we very rarely do family things together. We force birthdays and holidays but they are hard. If I'm honest with myself, I know this marriage is over. We are together for my son but how much of a benefit is it to him. Neither of us wants to get into a custody battle and I think that's the only reason why we aren't divorced. Here I go living my life in fear again. That's not a life I want to live. I just cannot get divorced, not now anyways. I've done it before and it was such a horrible, painful experience. People I thought were my friends ended up being the exact opposite. Even though right now is painful I just don't feel prepared to deal with the extreme pain of a divorce. I wish I was stronger

@ Bkind--- we have so much in common. Have been verbally and emotionally abused and beaten down most of our lives. The thought that your little guy has also realized it is not possible to mend your relationship does bring a tear to my eye as well as I am sure it does yours.

I get that after having one very bad marriage and spiteful divorce, it would terrify you now. I would think if you try to look at YOUR future and your sons as you continue with therapy... you can work on doing things to make yourself feel better, stronger and look toward the good. No longer think of what you will have to sacrifice if you stay with current hubby... instead concentrate on good things and quality time you can spend with your son. Walks or drives outside enjoying sunshine and time together... look in that mirror and see who you were and still are. Keep coming here and try to find supportive , caring people who will help to build you back up … where you too can find that strength and courage.

Each little step will help to rebuild that . As far as the job goes... when you are ready I think you should venture out and give something a try... Like you, I wish I had gone back to school. College was never a thought or in the cards for me... and now is too late. I used to beat myself up because I was never blessed with any children and while I did many jobs over the years... nothing of real importance in my mind.
What I found was the fact of being around people and doing a good job at whatever I did does help to build some confidence. Hell you could start with fast food places... or like I did … a supermarket. Years ago I was an asst mgr at a women's clothing store. Was there for years, but then they closed most of their stores. (Chapter 12... didn't do bankruptcy, but regrouped finances and just kept a very few stores. Ours was not one of them) My boss was older and also in retail most of her life. Joked that now she was going to take it easy and head to the supermarket for a job because everybody's gotta eat. I laughed, but that is what I did. I would apply and work in departments.
I have worked in deli, bakery. and produce learned so much and always did the best I could do.(Filled in for both deli and produce managers, can do all from party trays, salads, wedding cakes, fruit baskets, making Polynesian food...) There is great comfort in realizing you are smart, competent and important to whatever you do. You already have some of that with your being a mom to your son (and other kids?) Fact is you are smart and capable as well. You have had to make things continue to go as smoothly as possible in your family and home with no help (and actually more of a hindrance ) from your spouse.

Know that you truly ARE smart, caring, giving capable and deserving!!!

PS. Is important to know that often kids feel responsible for things... when they go wrong... or when they try but can't fix them. Little guy needs to know you are ok and he is too... and none of this is his fault

Love and hugs, Kim

Tough night. During this pandemic my feelings of loneliness is extraordinary.
Interestingly my wife is very revered on her field and offers great counsel to others. I hear her talks bout tho gs with others and I sometimes can’t believe she doesn’t hear a hypocrisy in making room for her own problems. Her husband is sitting right here in extraordinary emotional pain.

I keep thinking joe it is my fault but she has shrewdly made it so I cannot bring up my own thoughts or feelings. She looks at me like I have some nerve and I shut up. I say I have no room to speak here. And it shuts me down. Sometimes I feel mind controlled. And I wonder how I could let this have happened. She doesn’t really want me but I did commit to marriage and I wish I could fix it. But if you can’t talk snd feel afraid what do you do? Her mood determines my day right now.

That is the thing.... we do allow their actions to control us... and we become more angry and resentful (or at least I did) I reached a point when I began to find others who would listen, encourage and validate me and what I was going through. When I finally did speak until I said what I needed to... I did get rid of a bit of the anger (was more at myself for allowing him to control for so long.) I doubt he did actually hear what I said but I was able to say it.

I could not handle just keeping silent and walking on eggshells. That is when I reached out . (and noone has shut me up since. lol)

Hi all. Hope you are well. I have been trying to read about and think about this subject to understand how to handle it. Some ideas suggest I should think about how I have entertained the idea that someone else has "done this to me"... that I allowed it to happen and must take responsibility for that. I guess there is a way that is true. But it isn't that simple. Is it? The decision to take intimacy out of my marriage wasn't mine. I did not see that coming. Is it my fault? Because I somehow allowed this to happen and stayed in the marriage anyway?