Hi Rick. Welcome to our group. I get that I am not who you may want to hear from... but just wanted you to know that you have come to the right place. Here is where you can vent and say (or ask) whatever is on your mind. We all get what it is like to feel embarassed and ashamed of winding up here.

The thing to remember is that it is usually nothing any of us have done... and WE are not responsible …. this is usually because of an issue our spouse has (but cannot or will not ) face. As a result they usually try to turn it around to blame us and we wind up feeling about as attractive or wanted as a garden slug.

Hang in there and feel free to respond to other's posts or post your own. I can't tell you how much it helps to share and vent with others who understand and are trying to deal with it too.

Also we have another group too.... Sex on the brain. Is for those of us who are often preoccupied since we are not getting any (unless we are doing it ourselves. very big frown here) we do try to find some humor and games on there as well.

Hugs, KIm

Hey Kim. I really really appreciate your response. In fact, perhaps you ARE exactly who I needed to hear from. Just somebody who understands how difficult the situation is. I know I am not a perfect husband and my wife has been the breadwinner overall (she runs a great business I have supported and worked for on occasion) and she has been disappointed in me, I suppose. But I have done my own thing too and been somewhat successful on a certain level, so its not like Ive done nothing. SO I guess it is indeed confusing to kind of feel like I'm the problem but then also wonder how someone could decide to take intimacy , human connection and love out of the equation. We have a ten year old so I know we both want our kid to have parents. But sometimes I forget I deserve a better life where I am loved and appreciated. Yes, I know she has some unresolved issues she does now want to take care of and I do feel it is my responsibility to try and help her. We are married. But for several years now it has felt like she doesn't want me to help on that front. With intimacy and sex removed from my life, I feel very removed from the act of living.
I guess my recent struggle is to come to terms with it at last and think- if there will be no sexual aspect to my marriage- how can I have a sense of feeling like a sexual being regardless?
Thanks for the reply. I'll check out your other board too,

Hey there. I totally understand your pain and frustration. I too have children and don't want to leave because of them. But I often worry about what example I am setting for them. They don't see any affection exchanged between their mommy and daddy. I don't want them to think that is ok and what they should expect from a relationship. I am constantly feeling so stuck between being in so much pain because I feel neglected and feeling the need to stick up for myself because I feel I deserve better and that after all sex is part of a marriage, isn't it? So I'm either hiding under covers in my bedroom or getting into an argument by telling my husband things need to change and that I deserve to be treated better. It's not only no sex, it's no affection what so ever. When I ask him why he's even in this marriage he gives me no response. How do you love yourself and yet stay with someone who doesn't? I wish I could be more like him and not seem to need or desire someone else's touch. I have told him before that sex and affection come with being a husband and his response was that it wasn't his job to service me. As you can imagine that makes me feel even worse. We tried therapy but only for a few sessions. He doesn't really open up about his problems and only wants to talk about what he thinks I do wrong. I think all of this has really hit me hard during the pandemic because this is supposed to be a time when you appreciate what you have and take care of your loved ones. Instead he's been at his mother's house most of the time and when he's here we still don't share the same room and we barely talk. Sorry to focus so much on me. This is the first I've written about this! I totally agree that you feel removed from the act of living. I used to really enjoy sex and I used to feel connected to my partner. Now every time I desire sex It just makes me sad because I know it's not going to happen. It has become a negative thing to desire sex. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Because I still want it, I want it with a man who I barely even recognize anymore. I feel like I am here but mostly invisible and definitely not living. There is a piece of me that I must pretend doesn't exist. I no longer buy sexy underwear and I try to never see myself naked. In my mind I am like a mannequin, or Barbie doll. If I try to pretend those parts don't exist maybe it will be easier to not be a sexual being anymore

I appreciate your writing and honesty.
You know, some time ago I brought up marriage counseling and my wife said she didn't want to because "people who go to counseling don't come back"...it was clearly the beginning of the end to talk about problems. So it created a freeze on me feeling able to even talk about anything. If I give voice to the coldness in our marriage, I fear it means we will open up the can of worms and hasten the ned. I don't want to be divorced. But I also can't imagine anymore being wanted by this woman. And therefore, even if she suddenly decided she wanted sex, I don't think I could do it with her as I feel so unappreciated for so long. I can't imagine feeling comfortable with her at this point.

Rick- that is a common thing for them to make us feel as if we are at fault. It is probably harder for you if she feels she is the bread winner and as if she is in charge. Granted there should always be some give and take--- but when it comes to us feeling disconnected, unwanted and responsible is the worst.
With my late husband and I , he completely shut down both emotionally and physically more than 12 years ago. For him he no longer had any need or desire. He was content just going through the motions. I tried that for awhile, but to me there was absolutely nothing to look forward to. I was dreading each new day. I tried to tell him how this made me feel and that I needed more. But as he completely ignored me, I found the anger and resentment growing.

The fact that you support her looking into and working on her issues and thinking about your child (and family) and step back while she does her thing with her business sometimes feeling like she is doing this all without you... tells me you are a kind caring man. (And you too deserve to be happy and know you are still attractive , smart, sexy and wanted,)

Have you two tried any counseling? Or have you tried to actually explain to her how this all makes you feel? Not sure of she is open to that --- some refuse to even try to listen. For me I would learn to wait until I caught him in a decent mood and try to calmly explain (with no blaming him but rather to tell him how this was making me feel) Unfortunately it often fell on deaf ears and he would try to shift the conversation so I would stop because he did not want to hear (and was afraid of what I might say) but for me, I needed to get it out.

But maybe if you can open up some communication it could be a start in the right direction. My thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you.

Bkind- Just trying to go through the motions is no way to live. I would dread each day. And when you mentioned the fact that he said he was not there to service you... brings back memories of how I always felt completely discounted by my late husband. (He never said that, but his disregard for my needs or feelings made me feel that way)

You are trying to stay with him for better or worse (though it often feels like it is always worse) but you are right to think of the message it send s your kids. I would say if you want him to hear you-- maybe try when he is calm and in a decent mood. The thing is--- I wouldn't say" you really need to" or" I cant take this".... it automatically puts up his defenses. I tried to always say I am not blaming you but just need to say how this is making me feel... need to get it off my chest.

Hang in there and know my thoughts and prayers are with you. (and hugs) Kim

Rick- Her comment may have been based on knowing others who had no success. Then again, it could also be because she is one who does not want to stir things up. Often when I tried to talk with hubby before, he would automatically try to flip the conversation to what he feared I was gonna say... that I was blaming him . I would try to soothe his mind and never really got to say what I needed to.

I learned all the tricks for him to silence me and control the situation. I am thinking she is doing that as well. Sometimes they do not want to even think about their problems pretend they are not there. I worry though that this may eat away at you. At least you can say how you feel here for now. It is frustrating as hell. You should not feel afraid to open up a can of worms. (Though I think she would try to quickly plug that lid back on.)

And for us... after so long as that anger and resentment built, I found myself no longer even wanting him to touch me. But I knew it didn't matter anymore. I did finally get to the point where I did say how I felt. Made no difference to him... but helped me release a little of the anger (was actually at myself for not speaking up for myself. I finally did all that I could)

I get you are afraid to stir things up and wind up divorced, but just bear in mind how it must feel to feel controlled and silenced and like you do not matter. (I dealt with that unsuccessfully for years.) No one deserves that.

Most times people stay like this because they are afraid to lose home or family, but often the safe familiarity. That kept me here way too long. I think now of all the time I wasted and lost.

Hey Kim. Thanks for the response. Yeah, I think she has it in her head that counseling will bring up too much bad stuff we won't recover from. Now that's in my head too.

Honestly, sometimes, I'm like- how did sex become such a big deal? Its absence is the big deal. Just doing it would have helped so much. It's been years though, and now I don't think I could feel comfortable with her, having been so hurt and denied. I had no idea- since we dated for years before marriage with plenty of sex, that things would ever stop so harshly. At times I consider that getting married was her a huge mistake for us both. But it was so different before we were married. Perhaps she only wanted a child and not really me.

It's a funny thing. I wonder how to have a sex life on my own- without stepping out. I hope its ok to be graphic but not vulgar here. I do masturbate a lot. I fear how porn can rewire your brain so I am trying to be more careful about stimulating myself that way. I went to a nude beach once on my own just to see if I felt body shame now and I guess I do. Though I don't think I'm in any way ugly, and I still have some pretty good attributes, but I feel my body is unwanted now. And would be unwanted by anyone. I know thats not the case, but it feels weird to think of being naked in any way.

Interestingly my sex drive hasn't gone down due to low self esteem. I find myself routinely remembering sex from when I was in my twenties- and replaying it. Things I had forgotten about to some extent- now they replay in my mind all the time and it feels like its my sex life. I mean- for anyone it may have been a wilder time we would miss- it certainly was for me! Not that I was out of control- but my memories of those experiences now account for my sex life. I used to fantasize about having sex with my wife but I kind of don't even think about those memories anymore because I feel so rejected. Instead, I masturbate to recollections of experiences I had which seemed not as big a deal at the time- but now mean so much. As a reminder that at one time I was desired. Sometimes I just want to talk about those experiences but I keep them quiet too. In fact, this is the only time I have even dared to express these thoughts in years. And even now I feel weird about saying what I'm talking about.

BKind- I got a lump in my throat as you described not buying sexy underwear and trying to pretend parts of your body don't exist anymore so you won't be a sexual being. And not wanting to be naked. Its crazy to think this is the toll a lack of intimacy can take. Sometimes I feel I am a subject in a psychology experiment to see what happens when sex- or even the possibility of sex- is removed from the act of living.

Theres often a lot of guilt and shame surrounding sex due to certain things in our culture- often associated with religion Even so- we are bombarded with images of sex all the time. Its confusing to live in this culture. When our sexuality is denied it can feel like you're invisible in a culture which loves sexual imagery, too. Confusing.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Please know there is no such thing as TMI here. You mentioned sex becoming such a big deal?--- Quite awhile back I saw something that said in a normal healthy relationship sex is on your brain about 10% in an unhealthy one 85%. I can tell you I have had many that felt like 110% !!!

Rick you mentioned the nude beach ---- and Bkind you feel like there is something wrong with you and have retired the fancy lingerie to the back of the drawer.... I completely understand. My husband passed away and I am now beginning to think about getting to spend time and maybe get to know another man. But in the back of my mind I still think of the years where I was untouched and felt unattractive, unwanted and must be unlovable. It is hard to get past how their actions make us feel.

WE ALL need to remember we are just as we have always been... have a lot to offer (if we only had someone to give all that too. If you think about it, it is sad for all involved.)

Getting out among people and being ourselves-- not feeling self conscious but instead a bit bolder... I often find myself kidding around with others and find that many do flirt (and truthfully that does fuel our wounded egos a bit)

Rick--- next venture to that nude beach, don't feel self conscious or embarassed-- instead enjoy the view. haha
Honestly I have to say the fact that you are able to think back and get off with old experiences is a definite plus. Unfortunately in my case I missed it all so find myself longing for it. But not to worry-- I have chatted endlessly and satisfied my curiosity by either asking or looking things up. Also I have a very vivid imagination and love to write... so for me I write and fantasize. Another group on here-- Erotica -- is for those who enjoy fantasies or writing their own. Be forewarned though... I am a poor deprived soul but my thoughts have gone to where I could never have imagined. Don't wanna shock you. (I apologize for my very dirty mind in advance. Like I said, no TMI for me.)

A lot of people turn to porn too. But it is best not to be a constant thing. Someone told me about a site... Literotica .com. It is a site with erotic stories also. Another did tell me they also have AUDIOSTORIES! To me there is something about hearing these steamy fantasies brought to life in the author's words. I would come across one rather soft spoken yet firm sexy voice with an accent . If I venture on there, I am playing his stories and am hooked.

Bkind-- sometimes we need to dig out the lingerie and put it on... not for them, but for ourselves .. to feel sexy . I am embarassed to say, but I have actually taken a pic or two and sent to someone I chatted with far away. I know it was wrong, but it felt so good to have someone tell me I am still attractive and sexy... and wanted.

There is a song with a line -- we don't always get what we want... we get what we need. Pretty sad that I would find it from another man a zillion miles away instead of my own husband. But I did .. from communication to support and encouragement and allowing me to open up and accepting me just as I am. Ideally that is what I think we should all have. We find many ways to cope … we are not unlovable... or sex fiends... we are human.

Hey, how did you get so smart? And wise? I appreciate the validation in your words.
I don't think I cold take a pic and send it to anyone because I'd feel like it was wrong. But it's a nice fantasy to think someone would look at it and tell me I was still a turn on.
As for the nude beach.... The weird thing is- its not sexy, really. It's just freeing. If it were sexy I'd be kind of depressed because thats where the sexual aspect ends. At a beach you don't want to ogle or be ogled, rather you just want to be yourself. That said, Im not that into the nude beach as there are some sketchy types I saw there trying to get off so I don't really wanna go back. ha ha.

LOL...I lived and learned. And with my newfound freedom and boldness.... I'm going to tell anyone who will listen.

At first I just answered an innocent text.
We started chatting ....just sent G rated pix....just hearing someone tell you you're attractive and getting to know you and point out your good points does make you feel so much better...
Me anyway....I have to admit I did go further than I should....but without others to chat and share with I don't know how I would have survived.

Hi RickH! Sorry you’ve found yourself here too, but you certainly aren’t alone!

To tag team in on something Veggiequeen wrote, I found this quote in a sexless marriage article. Now I’m not a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but here’s what he had to say.....

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'”
And.....
“ The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.”

Sex is paramount in a marriage, in my humble opinion. It connects and bonds you with your spouse. It’s something special between you and your SO that you don’t share with anyone else. Without sex, you become roommates. And in our case, hurt, angry, bitter, resentful, roommates with little to no self esteem.

Major props to you for going to a nude beach! I’m too self conscious. Besides, i think it would be way to challenging for me to not ogle like the big ole perve that I am. :D

Lacy you are so right. Sadly, that is what my late husband and I became... just roommates... and that is exactly how I felt...hurt, angry, used... and resentful.

I hear you about being too self conscious for the nude beach. I have chatted with someone else who mentioned the nude beaches. He would say the same as Rick... that it was more about that feeling of freedom and being uninhibited. Said honestly, you would be amazed at all shapes and sizes... and noone cared.

When I chatted with a few friends (also struggling with sexless relationships) I would sometimes share that I often felt like a horn toad. One or two of them did joke and sign their messages from a fellow toad. lol

I would love to be a fly on the wall at one of those beaches … and being the toad that I am-- what I would not give to see a passionate responsive sexy being or two... (drooling here. lol)

Isn't it funny ? They(SOs) do have a lot to do with us becoming the perves that we are (or actually the ones THEY convince us we are!)
Hugs from the toad. lol

My wife doesn't really consider me overly sexed. I think she just doesn't want it. And certainly doesn't want me. She wouldn't care if I pleasure myself or anything.
We're not just roommates. We're parents. So there is that shared aspect. She's very admirable in many ways outside of our marriage. And while she doesn't yell at me the silence is a kind of emotional weapon too. I can't handle it sometimes. It's so lonely. She set up some barriers. The times I have tried to talk there are days after of a kind of heaviness and silence which let me know not to do that again.

I agree about sex being important- not so much because it is that thing you only do together- but because it reminds you that you are responsible for each other and connected. Its a simple concept that nature got really right.