It does kill the self esteem. No doubt about it. I had little left last year before I turned it around for myself. It took about 13 years to make myself believe I was completely unattractive. But that’s in a 25 year marriage with lots of fun in the beginning years. So in your situation it seems like your guy may have some issues. Test for testosterone levels. Mine are on the low side which we actually like. I maintain it by a perfect diet and exercise. Especially leg workouts. As a result I need to get in the mood like my wife (LL =love of my life). Once there, I’m There. I have to be careful though. It’s possible to get lasy and just cum fast I think the porn thing conditions men to do this. (I hate porn) so he may have a combination of issues. Can he keep it hard for ten minutes? Two? If you told him your breasts were sore, would he massage them for you? Would that arose? Should for most men. See what happens cuddling naked always does it for me too. Experiment. And, of course, try to talk about what he thinks might be going on. If that gets frustrating for you, vent here. I’m sure you’re going to get more advise.

Just realized, are you sure he sold them. If he is having issues he may have taken them to see for himself if he has a problem. By the way, they don’t work for me. Although I have only tried three.

My heart goes out to you. I am also in a 15 yr marriage (last 10 with no sex or anything else) I know what it feels like to believe something must be wrong with you or maybe if you did something differently? I am here to remind you that you are not the one with anything wrong. HE is the one with the problem.

if he has an issue with ED (which the Viagra would have helped ... even if he won't admit it.) maybe he is worried about performance? If he has a slow libido, that could be a low testosterone level (which can be easily adjusted) or the fact he is masturbating instead of turning to you... may sound crazy, but is there a possibility he doesn't want kids and is worried he will get you pregnant? (Will do no damage getting off with an internet ho)

Does he have any idea how this makes you feel? You have a right to want to be happy and have your needs met. The thing is, often when they no longer want or feel they need sex, they easily try to turn it on us. My stbx took great pleasure trying to make me feel like a sex fiend when all I am is human who craves affection. have you mentioned counseling? May be good to try to give him this as an option?
i can never wrap my head around how our spouses can be so thoughtless and just assume we can shut ourselves down like they do. They have no clue how much pain they cause us (I wonder if they did if they would even care?) My thoughts and prayers are with you.

He won't get tested, he refuses to admit that there is any kind of problem. He said the other day that our sex life is "fine". Well, it isn't fine for me! Nothing I do arouses him. Ive tried lingerie, getting naked and showering with him, dancing around naked for him, massages, cuddling, touching myself in front of him; nothing! He also will not diet and exercise. I am a nutritionist and I have been trying to get him to diet and exercise for years and he won't. It isn't just a sex thing either, there is a complete lack of intimicy. We don't even sleep in the same bedroom, and he doesn't pay any attention to me at all. I was so depressed about this a few weeks ago I cried all weekend. Like bawling! In front of him, he didn't even notice. My mother called him to tell him she was worried about me because of it, and he still didn't notice, he said "she's fine e, she's just tired". He told me he sold them because he didn't need them, and I believe him because he used the money to buy pot.

Thanks veggiequeen. I've tried counseling with him, he completely ignored everything she said, and refused to do any of the "homework" she gave us. A little more backstory, we have two kids together. He wanted kids but couldn't stand to have sex with me to make them, so in order to have kids he would go into the bathroom, lock the door, and masturbate and just before he would cum, he would come into the room I'm in to give me his sperm. Both our kids were conceived this way. I'm so tired of feeling so unloved and neglected, I am so depressed all the time.

Weed and alcohol inhibit my libido. A brisk walk enhances it. You do the math

I've been begging him since I've known him to stop smoking pot, he refuses; flat out. He has told me 6 or 7 times in the last week that if I make him choose between his pot and our marriage and the kids, he will choose the pot and move 5 states away. He has said those exact words, repeatedly. I'm at my breaking point, but I deal with it because I want our kids to have a father. I don't want him to run out on them, and he will. So I have been living in a prison for years, I just don't know what to do anymore.

You deserve so much better than this. if he is gonna be such an immature asshole and so very cruel to even say such a thing, you and your kids would do better without him. i know you want them to have a father, but consider the example and home life he is subjecting you all to.

i know a couple of people who started getting high as teens. the sad thing is, many years later they have stagnated . Not working steady jobs. primarily just hanging and smoking themselves into oblivion.... and seem to be frozen at the age they began.

It may be hard at first to start out on your own, but to be able to be happy and open to find someone else a little further down the line ... A man who does care more about you and your kids and is not afraid (and actually willing) to show you.

Actually, the fact he has been controlling everything and running the show... if you call him on that bluff to move 5 states away.... he may not do it anyway.

Good luck. Maybe you should forgive me, because my opinion may be partially based on the fact that I'm finally getting a divorce from stbx and have some anger and resentment there, but I also have alot of that anger toward others who do treat their SOs like shit.

Dear me. That’s not right. When I was a hippy boy in another lifetime maybe wouldn’t want to stop. But then I had kids and life got real. I have a few puffs a year. Usually when I’m in the mountains alone. Sounds like you still have a boy on your hands. My condolences

It is amazing you say that because my friends just pointed out today that he acts like a teenager. He is still a cook (the same occupation he had as a teen), and all he does is smoke, watch TV, screw around on FB, and play video games. They said he wants to be a teenager forever and he has just replaced his mom with me. I work, cook, clean, do laundry, care for the kids, take care of the house, take care of the lawn, do the gardening, do all the shopping, handle the finances, and fix everything that breaks.
The sad thing is, I'm scared to leave. I work with low income individuals and that means low income pay. My kids are young and still in daycare, which is expensive. I feel like he is my plutonic roommate. If he stays at least I will have a second income and my kids will have their dad. If he leaves, it will be a serious struggle and the kids may not have a father in their life; I don't want that. This is why I feel like I'm in prison. I do it want my kids to suffer for my happiness.

And forgive me, stbx?

stbx....soon to be ex (in my case it may be sometime to be ex as he is not wanting it at all. ) he is content being a roommate and having a cook, housekeeper and nurse.

FEAR and GUILT are what has held me here for so long. It does for so many of us , . is there any kind of aid you can get to start out? Do you have friends and family around to help? and he would have to help you financially.(is his responsibility)

Definitely his responsibility! Especially the way you described getting pregnant. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but that’s one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard. As you can see, queen is the one who usually tells it like it is. I know it’s a scary thought, being alone. But; and I know I have said this before, aren’t you already? I am slowly trying to help my marriage grow, but I’m lucky. I have a partner who is responsible and wants my company. If I didn’t have that to start with, I wouldn’t have a chance. Seems like even if you could somehow express all that we’ve talked about here to him, he still wouldn’t hear it. Or worse have a tantrum. And that’s terrible for the kids. The best advice I can give you is what I do. Focus on finding what inner happiness you can. It’s a comfort in desperate times. Also, I read a lot. Some books on letting go of fear were really helpful.

Wow, you have a lot going on there. It sounds like there are so many issues, you may be best served tackling them one at a time. Maybe make a list and rank them either in order of importance or in order of what you think is possible to accomplish. For example, if there is so little concern for your feelings that he won’t have sex with you even to conceive, then just uses you as basically a vessel for semen, there is no way he cares enough about your feelings to care what you think about his smoking. So talking to him about that will just make him turn further away. Does that make sense? And if he’s threatening to move 5 states away, etc etc etc, it sounds like he really just doesn’t give a shit. I wonder if you could get him to agree to one thing each week to improve the relationship, not him, but you guys plural. Tiny things so it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over time it will get better and better. Also, have you ever looked into the 5 love languages? That may be a way to help you guys find some common ground. Good luck to you, my heart breaks for you.

Thank you everyone for your input. I may respond more later, but i am just too sad right now. I don't know what else to do, and I don't know how to cope.