Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I have been attending some support group meetings and the some are geared toward sexual abstinance except for a man and wife and other meetings are geared toward abtinance if not in a relationship with someone
of the same sex. both use 12 step methods.
I never really tried to find a group that would help people control their sexual impulses or change them to something that was more appropriate or fitting and set their goal or bottom line in order to set out to try and achieve this type of thing. Whether I recieve welcoming comments or not I beleive there is an aspect that rings true here for an individual that may be just having a hard time establishing what is right for themselves as opposed to trying to hold to an Idea of abstinance and then become desperate and do something regretfully wrong.
In my opinion as far as couples go if either one is looking for a better physical sexual experience in someone else and ends up cheating maybe they should have discussed their desires before they got married at least thats my view. Sometimes I have to sit and listen to people talking who have obvious incompatability problems whom I think end up going on a bender because of the stress they have to face because of these problems that makes them loose focus or not care about being sober and true to themselves ot their bottom line goal. I'm always polite enough not to say anything because I'm just trying to watch out for what I'm doing.
of the same sex. both use 12 step methods.
I never really tried to find a group that would help people control their sexual impulses or change them to something that was more appropriate or fitting and set their goal or bottom line in order to set out to try and achieve this type of thing. Whether I recieve welcoming comments or not I beleive there is an aspect that rings true here for an individual that may be just having a hard time establishing what is right for themselves as opposed to trying to hold to an Idea of abstinance and then become desperate and do something regretfully wrong.
In my opinion as far as couples go if either one is looking for a better physical sexual experience in someone else and ends up cheating maybe they should have discussed their desires before they got married at least thats my view. Sometimes I have to sit and listen to people talking who have obvious incompatability problems whom I think end up going on a bender because of the stress they have to face because of these problems that makes them loose focus or not care about being sober and true to themselves ot their bottom line goal. I'm always polite enough not to say anything because I'm just trying to watch out for what I'm doing.
Most therapist would still suggest a 90 day sex free period to reboot the brain.
I am not sure I understand what you mean about incompatability problems causing acting out.? If people have marriage issues and act out because of them then perhaps they should end the marriage?
Life is stressful, marriage is stressful, money, kids, work, still doesn't make it okay to step outside of the marriage.
AS far as incompatability problems I meant incompatability problems that interfere with coping skills and machanisms that are developed in practice of dealing with this compulsion/addiction And I wasn't reffering to acting out as in acting out by stepping out of a marraige with another person but acting out and giving in to viewing and pleasuring oneself to pornography or in fantasy and lusting over having sexual relations with another person besides the spouse.
On the other bit of advice IT makes good sense to me and i have heard before that there should be a drying out period for a certain amount of time before a couple should engauge in any type of sexual activity.
I fail to see the difference between stepping outside a relationship with an actual person or with porn,fantasy and lusting. To me the only difference is touching another person. Cheating is cheating, and if its watching porn, lusting,fantasizing, its still taking the focus from your spouse, that is suppose to be between you and your partner.
As far as coping with addiction, I am not sure its up to a spouse to be responsible. The addict needs to be responsible for their own addiction and the spouse needs to recover from the trauma that the betrayal causes.Then and only then they can work on the relationship.
First let me give you an analogy,
If was a person that had a gun and went to a gun range to fire it at targets just for the purpose of maintaining a skill and I enjoyed it that would be one thing.
Now if I decided to pretend that that target was an actual person that I hated but didn't really want to kill in reality or get in trouble or cause myself or anyone else trouble or harm for doing so and shot my gun at it anyway.
That I am a murderer even if I didn't kill anyone or point a gun at any real person.
You know that there is such a thing as the lesser of two evils here that you can clearly see from this analogy.
Now if you had the choice to choose between 2 men and probably you won't prefer either but lets just say....
That out of 2 men one that slips up watching porn and pleasuring himself and another who actually goes out and has an actual affair and possibly even contracts a disease or something and brings it home to you. Which one would you be more comfortable and safe in dealing with...
The one who has got a problem with his mind and his hand who probably is sorry about it for the meaningless chase that it is when he starts looking at porn.
Or
The one who has a problem with his mind, his actions, his puts his physical health at risk for what he could catch and bring home to you.
So you see my opinion and that's all that it is.
now as far as what you are saying about my comment about indifferences and sometimes what as deliberate sabbatoge or pokes or kicks when 'the addict"' in the realtionship is trying to deal with their ability to estabiish and maintain their sobriety
and is having a very difficult time and then their spouse comes and starts deliberatly and habbitually hacking away at them with what they know is going to mess them up such as another suspcious acusation, Blame ridden comment or apporach toward dealing with the "addict" in the relationship as if he or she had to be punished.
For what the said infraction and penalty or the penalty should be for what their latest mistake was (according to the totally perfect and benevolent person who has been the faithful spouse) Or maybe for an affair that happened many years ago that they keep bringing up even though they said that they forgave them for it. Like its just another arrow in their quiver to shoot at them if they are in an arguement or have an indiffernece about a subject or decision that must be made that sometimes might not even have to do with faithfulness in marraige in order to get their way and use "the addicts" regretful mistake against him.
Like it is payback time.
Any how I am tired of writting and trying to get my point across about things I didn't intend to discuss my views on. My main concern today is to remain celebate according to the standards that I have set for my bottom line. Standards that I have learned to set from prior failures such as not looking at porn, not fantsaizing and masterbating, staying away from entertaing thoughts of romance that could start out as innocent or well intended but end up messing me up and making me feel sorry for myself because i don't have any type of physical or emotional relationship.
From here on out I am going to post a new thread that has to do with over coming my struggles in day to day living just like getting started again. The original thought expressed about
'total abstinance" was meant to ask advice from people who can see how differnt programs leave poeple like me forced to try and live in a vacume or at least feel that way. Or by standrads that in this society people in relationships evolve to like getting married after living with each other for a while rather than just try and set out and get married and find out that they married the wrong person.
So I've got non more to say about this subject and it has taken quite some time to type all of this out while "explaining" to view points rather than try to seek help through feed back for my daily struggles to stay celebate.
I am fine to agree to disagree, but I can tell you that there are a lot of people on this site that are sober and in recovery and they too would say that porn, fantasizing etc is just as hurtful to both the addict and their spouse. Its all betrayal, and all damaging to the emotional state of the addict and the trauma that it causes the spouse is intense.
The two men that you compared in your response..which one would I feel more safe with? I say neither ...I don't remember my vows adding its okay to look at porn as it is the lesser of two evils....
The trauma for each of these on a spouse is the same, we go through the same hurt, the same pain, the same loss.
I agree with you that spouses that are using words etc to punish the addict is not healthy. Us Spouses have to take some ownership for our faults in the marriage before and during recovery. That doesn't mean that it is our fault, but there are definite things that have to change in recovery..if the couple intends on staying together and working together to fix the marriage bond that was broken because of the addiction.
developing new communication patterns, supporting each other through recovery, working on individual recovery as well as working on the marriage. Its a ton of work, daily.
I admit after disclosure I was angry, and hurtful towards my husband,bringing up everything and anything, its like trying to make him feel worse for the pain he caused me. But it comes to a point when the spouse has to decide if they are going to stay together that isn't helpful and infact more hurtful to both.
it sounds to me that some of the groups that you have perhaps attended made you feel worse or not supported?
Thats interesting. None of them replied to this post. Which has some how turned into another subject.
I expected you to choose niether men in my anology that's why I mentioned it before hand. But for it to be just as emotionally damaging
as you claim and to the same degree of betrayal or lack of respect for agreement when it comes to a phychological, chemical, and emotional compulsion that occurs or is occurring and then ad trauma to the issue.
I don't buy it. I'd expect my partener not to buy it. She should konw that there is a big difference. And won't get drawn into the emotional issue of how I or someone else may make another person "feel" about a subject that has to do with what I consider to bring about issues that other peples reactions seem to be over-reactive to.
Yes both can be damaging and for what ever reason the spouse sought relief or release for or in dealing with something via feeding into
what has become habbit may have been because they knew that hey couldn't confide in there spouse when they knew that there reaction was going to be harsh and judgemental and domineering.or condemning or hypervigilant and there starts the lack of communcation and wavelength trouble that starts the wandering or desire to explore.
I wouldn't want a woman wanting to run around and try and be in charge of my mind nor would I want to control her opinions and actions
just as long as the general atmsophere about us promotes for openess and the other partner is O.K. with that.
In fact, I would care to make it known to that person that I would not want to hurt them if it offfended them with me being the way I am and that I would like to change it and am in fact working on that.
But all of this is becoming hypothetical theoretical and based on defense of different opnions and objectives and diffent views on who or what they particualrly look to or for in a partener or different views of what they believe they should act or react.
If my girlfriend, (If I had a girlfriend) told me she was watching porn and pleasuring herself but really was not thinking of going out on me and I knew it was an old habbit or a compulsion. I'd probably be relieved that she didn't cheat on me. But would most likely ask why and see if we could work something out in any direction that she may be wanting to go Whether it would be for more sex, differnt sex, or less sex if that was suspected to be the problem or a period of absitnace in support of agreement and I wouldn't exect perfection and if there was a relapse then judge harshly like they cheated on mer actually and physically with another person.
It wouldn't be so shocking to me or "traumatizing" as if they did that.
It's like you fell, now get up. OR we fell, now lets get back up.
What did you betray, what got betrayed, both parties agreed an know that there was a problem with sex and sexual compulsion or addiction or wanting to stop some type of binge on pornography and knowing that it is a boomerang type problem should know what to expect until there is some sucess in that area of life that they as an individual or as a couple are working out in either one of the approaches.
Do you know how hard it has been for me as an individual?
there are no willing sponsors, no friends that I can confide in to help me keep account of myself, even if I was to ask someone to help me keep a day to day ledger with only a check mark in it and do great beig deal of writing or typing for each day I count that goes by in sucession that I try to take one day at a time and sometimes one second at a time as opposed to feeding into lustful thoghts or giving into a routine in my mind such as lets just go to this website to take a peak or watch this t.v.show that is really sexual in nature or even sexually derogitory like 2 and a half men. I've even got to becareful at the checkout at the grocery strore if I take a look at the captions on the COSMO mags on the content that is inside that I've never really experienced much of in reality in my life which to me are rediculously not natural, don't happen like they are put forth and an insult to all men for being placed there while you are checking out to go home alone. No wife, no kids and cook alone.
My next post will be about counting the days celibacy as I struggle and pray and hope and try and work up the courage and strength to do the things I know I should do to change, prevent relapse and hopefully get to a better place in my countinance. There are other things that I wish to share such as results or progress in the self care arena and my experiments with accupressure to relieve emotional stresses that contribute to unhealthy cravings.
you wrote:
Do you know how hard it has been for me as an individual?
there are no willing sponsors, no friends that I can confide in to help me keep account of myself, even if I was to ask someone to help me keep a day to day ledger with only a check mark in it and do great beig deal of writing or typing for each day I count that goes by in sucession that I try to take one day at a time and sometimes one second at a time as opposed to feeding into lustful thoghts or giving into a routine in my mind such as lets just go to this website to take a peak or watch this t.v.show that is really sexual in nature or even sexually derogitory like 2 and a half men. I've even got to becareful at the checkout at the grocery strore if I take a look at the captions on the COSMO mags on the content that is inside that I've never really experienced much of in reality in my life which to me are rediculously not natural, don't happen like they are put forth and an insult to all men for being placed there while you are checking out to go home alone. No wife, no kids and cook alone.
sadly it sounds to me like you are playing the victim role and that isn't going to be benefical to your recovery. When do you take responsibility for your own recovery? If you are attending meetings that aren't helpful or supportive go to a different meeting. There are online meetings if there aren't many where you live. Why are there no willing sponsor? The whole point of SAA is to support each other. Ask for a temporary sponsor until you can get someone to help you. Ask for contacts of other members in moments of weakness. They are tons of resources out there, there are online meetings, therapy, if there aren't SAA meetings go to AA meetings, the 12 steps are basically the same. Sounds to me like you are blaming society for your addiction, and that somewhere along the line you have built resentment towards women and the fact that you are alone. I pray that you find some sort of inner peace and that you will be able to stay sober and in true recovery.
You also stated that if your girlfriend (if you had one) was addicted to porn that you would discuss if there was something you could work out, more sex, different sex or less sex...this statement tells me that you are still in denial about the root of Porn/sex addiction. It has really nothing to do with healthy intimate sex within the confines of a relationship. It really has nothing to do with sex at all , but a selfish act of self pleasure and the cycle of shame and guilt that follows after crossing moral lines, and then medicating it with more porn....
Drug addiction, acohalism, panic attacks, anxiety, eating disorder, Addiction to perscription meds that were meant to treat anxiety.
And thank God that He has got me through it.
There have been many times where I have had to just take what had to be said, or shake something off that was pointed at me and I was just about to post about how I felt convicted about having anything around that personally triggers me but since you've taken me aside to play your game on me because you don't like me here quiet possibly because you don't ike my viewpoint or my bottom line
or the fact that I just don't agree with a great deal of genrealizations and the "we" type brainwashing that program literature puts forth in there literature that was meant for treating alcohalism but has become the snake oil labe for everything and anything that has to do with seemingly changing habbits and compulsions. I just don't know what to say. I didn't even come here to talk about this. I didn't come here to get labeled and accused or discredited and told that I am white knuckling it don't even give me that ,,,,,, you fill in the blank. I came here with an earnest desire to stop lusting and stop having to have to run along the outside of a group and fellowship that claims that they are running along "simular lines" according to the comparisson they make between themsleves and religion.
You call people in the progrm and you get there answering machine and play phone tag.
You look for a show of hands for sponsor ship nat some of the meetings I've been to and you see no show of hands. Wait a minute Ithought that personal recovery depended upon the group unity...
Yeah Blah! show me a group were the people are wiling enough to put down ther name on a list of prospective sponsors that have some time under their belt. No its all done too selectively and becomes like religion all over again where you go and they assign you something temporary hat really you spend too much time on.
This is an issue that you are making me spend too much time on and what I am concerned with is just getting through the day and working out what I know I've got to work out.
Thak you for the last persoin that budded in and comment about me insinuating that I'm not in touch as if I'm not going to make it.
Do you want me to play the baby like I know nothing like I see most polite people do whom the program puts so much into there head about how it says life really is. I have faced so much program jargon it has been ridiculous and you take that and hold it up as a standard or rule or rule against someone that just wants to do one thing. Put a day behind him without resorting to porn or pleasuring himself and get furthre and further away from that behavior and find someting that is what is right.
What are you going to tell me that God can't and God won't as if you were in charge of God too.
What I'm doing right now is trying to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day hopefully being able to take the time I can take in the midst of fending for what I have to fend for in order to straten things out and make peace with God and myelf.
Im sorry for those who have had to suffer in there relationships.
Next thing you'll be telling me is that I didn't have a child hood.
You know I didn't come here to nit pick or poke. I just came here to put one day behind me and go on to the next without porn messing me up or anyone else.
In fact you women should be able to see how you mess up a man's mind when he is trying to do the very thing that even that the program requires or suggest and that is to have a desire to stop lusting and to take things a day at a time or a moment at a time.
So now I've wasted more time thingking and typing and fighting off acusations rather than being able to reflect on what is important for the moment that I am or was trying to take to take and consider and pray for the strength I need to rid myself of anything. I'll have to try and pick it up tommrorrow. I'm never coming back to this post again
You can have your precious last words to I don't care. they are not going top affect me. You've taken a side issue and truned it around and have someone else come in with pointed words to trouble me further with it and add more issues to it. And tell me that I'm playing the victim. Well I'll tell you what I won't be.
The victim of your lack of faith or the victim of what you want to label me as or project upon me, or what you would like to pursuade group opinion about me as being something that you will suggest that I am. I am a human being.
You know I can think of people who hurt me greatly in life as well as the fact thatI have paid dearly for it and it had nothing to do with porn along with many circumstance where the world is just being the world and has used me up, set me back, run me over. I don't need that here. But if you can think of calling me victim again when I know that I even have the facts and documentation its not going to sway me. Whats your aim....too pull me down? I thought that this was a support group.....
i'm done next post I'll ask for answers in 6 words or less.
"huge potholes" , "journey to sobriety", "real sobriety" , "white knuckling it" all things you heard from a program that aren't of true incentive to someone who is trying to put a day behind him and keep it simple as if God is not on my side or is too small to go around. Likw I'm getting the short end of the stick.
A day without using and falling back into temptation is a real gift to me that I thank God for.
What is it with program oriented people that think they got a better gift than that and categorize different types of sobriety and "journey toward sobriety".
I've got today and I pray to God to help me keep today and get on with the issues I believe and or feel convicted about that could affect that ability to keep today or that affect my health.
the program works if you work it, that's the bottom line...there are countless people both men and women that are sober and that advocate for the 12 step, they have months and years of being sober...so it works...there was a show on CNN about porn/sex addiction that stated that 1% of people that don't get therapy,or attend SAA and decide to fight the battle alone will stay sober.
Do you think you can be that 1 percent?
what do you mean that God isn't on your side?