Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
For almost 2 years now I have been pretty passionately dealing with my recovery, not anywhere perfectly. Sadly, my sweet wife is still at step 0, "If you get your shit together, everthing will be OK, because I have no problems" I am not really complaining about this just becoming very aware of my reactions of lonliness,and triggered feelings of abandonment, "Your not important enough for me to press into recovery with you" sounds alot like, "Your not important enough for us to notice that you are being sexaully abused"
Anyway, last night, for the first time in these two years, I watched my wife rage about her anger and dissapointment, and waving her finger at me assuring me that she was going to continue punishing me for making her feel this way" And I was not defensive, I just listened. I felt scared and queued up the abandonment, and rejection, but I did not believe those things...or her threats for that matter. I just listened.
"Stop babbling and get to the thank you part", I hear from the croud.
Here it is, I have spent the last year, watching Trina bravely attack this head on, SheenRe burn her husband in effagy, Calimom express her confusion and affirmation of her husband, LoriLou raking me over the coals then lovingly turning the compassion switch on when she met my 10 year old abused boy, all while sincerely loving soberone, and many other women come and go baffled, beaten, betrayed, terrified, deeply wounded, and angry.
Of all the things in my recovery that gave me an incling of empathy for my wife, it is you beautiful women who have helped me begin to understand the pain this has caused her. And I did not even once compromise my standard of never being alone with a woman other than my whife..because of the anonyomity of this little castle of hope we call DS.
So, from the bottom of my little black sexually addicted, and greatfully recovering heart, Thank you. Thank you, Thank you.
Anyway, last night, for the first time in these two years, I watched my wife rage about her anger and dissapointment, and waving her finger at me assuring me that she was going to continue punishing me for making her feel this way" And I was not defensive, I just listened. I felt scared and queued up the abandonment, and rejection, but I did not believe those things...or her threats for that matter. I just listened.
"Stop babbling and get to the thank you part", I hear from the croud.
Here it is, I have spent the last year, watching Trina bravely attack this head on, SheenRe burn her husband in effagy, Calimom express her confusion and affirmation of her husband, LoriLou raking me over the coals then lovingly turning the compassion switch on when she met my 10 year old abused boy, all while sincerely loving soberone, and many other women come and go baffled, beaten, betrayed, terrified, deeply wounded, and angry.
Of all the things in my recovery that gave me an incling of empathy for my wife, it is you beautiful women who have helped me begin to understand the pain this has caused her. And I did not even once compromise my standard of never being alone with a woman other than my whife..because of the anonyomity of this little castle of hope we call DS.
So, from the bottom of my little black sexually addicted, and greatfully recovering heart, Thank you. Thank you, Thank you.
You said that you hear the tremedous angst to my feelings and words. And, you're right about that. I valued my marriage and my man to the inth. I trusted him with my very life. I worked really, really hard at being an exemplary wife in every way. A wife that he could be proud of and glad to be married to. Or so I thought. A woman that stood out in every croud as loving her husband so openly and thoroughly as to be wearing her very heart on her sleeve. I've been told that many times over the years. How well I took care of my H...and how so obvious my love for him. I made it a point to do that. And to remind him every day that "I" felt so lucky to be honored and chosen as his wife. I so wanted him to be proud to be married to me. I worked at it reallllly hard.
So, yes Choose, the loss is HUGE. And it hurts HUGE. And I feel all the more a fool because I did all those things. Now everyone knows just how big a fool I really am...and how little the effort was worth. If I hadn't given so much, tried so hard, I might have been a lot less hurt and felt a lot less angry.
I can say this, and believe it with all my heart, "That man will have lost something that he will never encounter again"...as he has no idea..and couldn't know what it costs to give like that. How much effort and self-sacrife it took to aim at making his life happy and make him proud of me. He has never done that...he told me so himself...that he only wanted to do what made "him" feel good...so how could he know? I know. Because I did it.
See, I'm not so sure between my H and I what can ever be now. He may well have gone too far to ever recover the marriage...the love I once had too far gone and too much damaged to be worthwhile anymore. more pain than love left. It may well have been lost to this. And if that is so, then it is.
I only try to give it the best chance I can give now, however much time that is, until I give up trying to feel good about being with someone who thought so little of me...and walk away knowing its over for good. That time when it feels much too sad and humilitating to live it even one more day. Until the feelings that came of this destroy anything good that was ever there, if there was anything good at all.
See, in light of all of this, I'm not so sure there was ever anything good at all..but only a farce...a little game he played on me...a joke on me. She loves me and that feels so good...and the other thing feels so good too...that I just must have them both...for me...because it feels good to me...and if that hurts her...she'll get mad and then get over it...and love me once again. See...I did once before. So, he thinks that's just the way I am. He's wrong about that. And if it is over, he may well lose his game at last. He may have finally convinced me that I don't want this relationship anymore. I don't need or want any more phony games. And, I have no desire whatsoever to play the fool again.
So, you see, he really will have to do something spectacular to convince me that there is anything worth staying for in this relationship. He went a reallly long way to prove to me that there wasn't a thing I did worthwhile...nothing in my character...nor my actions worthwhile at all. No love I offered, nor sacrifice made, no consideration, nor care worthwhile. I came to believe that when I saw what he had done. And, I don't know now if there is anything that could ever happen to replace that knowledge at all.
I have learnt so much from the SA's here, and it has certainly has helped my progress through my own recovery, and has helped me understand my own h and his struggles. You so beautifully put into words your thoughts, feelings and struggles, that my own h cannot. I often drag him to the computer to read stuff here, and your post regarding your love to your wife put tears in both our eyes. And all my choked up h, yet non versed h could say was "ditto".
(Yes very Patrick Swayze from the movie Ghost....lol)
Thankyou for being elloquent, raw and honest.
Since this was meant to be a positive appreciative post, and not a question for help nor opinions from others (yes not one question mark in original post). I'll leave this comment as that also.
Other than to say Sober, once again i loved what you said about the boundry work within recovery......very very good stuff! Its a shame it is lost in the middle of some of these posts.
Ongoing strength and happiness to us all
Lorilou