Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
****Might be a trigger, do not read if you have had a problem with teen porn or sex, not explicit, just asking for help and advice****
When I was a 14 year old school girl, my late Father engaged in a sexual relationship with a girl who I went to school with. This relationship continued for quite a few years until she eventually left him, I pray, for greener pastures. At the time I was distraught, I was scared my friends and teachers would find out. It has always repulsed me, confused me and to this day I carry the scars.
Because of this hideous experience, as well as others, I had hoped that I would have had the foresight to find a man who would not involve himself with such degrading, sordid and grotty behaviour. I am assuming for most young women this subject matter does not carry as much weight, as surely it was a given, right? because these types of men only exist in nightmares, right? But because of my experience it was something that carried a whole lot of weight. I had seen it first hand, how disgusting it was to pray on these young minds. Obviously I find all types of sexual addiction incredibly sad and all utterly degrading, but for me my husband couldn't have chosen a worse subject, minors, gross.
My husbands sexual preference is / was girls, they start at approx. 14 years old, although I did see younger on his laptop, I think his main focus was 14 - 18, and some where as old as 21 years. There were also older women featured in movies, but they were coincidental, ie the mothers of the daughters being filmed etc... you get the picture. pretty disgusting. And then there is the sex, from what he has told me I am sure they would have been young, the hours and hours and the hundreds of young girls he had sex with, not to mention our money he spent. As I write this my stomach is churning, but I have to get this out, I really need some advice, where do I go from here, the facts are my husband has spent the last two decades being intimate with girls (not children).
My husband says that even though they were legally under age they still had breasts etc, so in his mind this makes it ok. For me I see minors, never mind how much make up they are wearing etc..., sure they are physically developing but mentally they are children. He obviously couldn't see this. His mind had become so addled He said he preferred these younger girls bodies because they had better bodies with no cellulite, perfect big breasts etc.... I don't know. How is it that a middle aged man can have such a warped idea of what is acceptable. Its as though his sexual behaviour had been stunted since he himself was a teenager. He is now middle aged and over 100 days sober.
I am aware that there are as many men seeking out teenagers as there are any other genres in the porn/sex industry etc... But my husband seems to hide behind something his therapist once said 'biologically men will always lust after younger more fertile females'. Ok so there might be something in this, however, I believe most men have matured by the time they hit middle age and see these girls for what they are, young attractive girls, with no doubt a handsome young man in toe. Not sexual objects who give him tingles when they walk past him, yuck, pass me the bucket, surely it would be the end of man kind if this was the case.
I don't know where I am going with this, I think I am crying out for advice, hope and a healthy life, arrgghhh
When I was a 14 year old school girl, my late Father engaged in a sexual relationship with a girl who I went to school with. This relationship continued for quite a few years until she eventually left him, I pray, for greener pastures. At the time I was distraught, I was scared my friends and teachers would find out. It has always repulsed me, confused me and to this day I carry the scars.
Because of this hideous experience, as well as others, I had hoped that I would have had the foresight to find a man who would not involve himself with such degrading, sordid and grotty behaviour. I am assuming for most young women this subject matter does not carry as much weight, as surely it was a given, right? because these types of men only exist in nightmares, right? But because of my experience it was something that carried a whole lot of weight. I had seen it first hand, how disgusting it was to pray on these young minds. Obviously I find all types of sexual addiction incredibly sad and all utterly degrading, but for me my husband couldn't have chosen a worse subject, minors, gross.
My husbands sexual preference is / was girls, they start at approx. 14 years old, although I did see younger on his laptop, I think his main focus was 14 - 18, and some where as old as 21 years. There were also older women featured in movies, but they were coincidental, ie the mothers of the daughters being filmed etc... you get the picture. pretty disgusting. And then there is the sex, from what he has told me I am sure they would have been young, the hours and hours and the hundreds of young girls he had sex with, not to mention our money he spent. As I write this my stomach is churning, but I have to get this out, I really need some advice, where do I go from here, the facts are my husband has spent the last two decades being intimate with girls (not children).
My husband says that even though they were legally under age they still had breasts etc, so in his mind this makes it ok. For me I see minors, never mind how much make up they are wearing etc..., sure they are physically developing but mentally they are children. He obviously couldn't see this. His mind had become so addled He said he preferred these younger girls bodies because they had better bodies with no cellulite, perfect big breasts etc.... I don't know. How is it that a middle aged man can have such a warped idea of what is acceptable. Its as though his sexual behaviour had been stunted since he himself was a teenager. He is now middle aged and over 100 days sober.
I am aware that there are as many men seeking out teenagers as there are any other genres in the porn/sex industry etc... But my husband seems to hide behind something his therapist once said 'biologically men will always lust after younger more fertile females'. Ok so there might be something in this, however, I believe most men have matured by the time they hit middle age and see these girls for what they are, young attractive girls, with no doubt a handsome young man in toe. Not sexual objects who give him tingles when they walk past him, yuck, pass me the bucket, surely it would be the end of man kind if this was the case.
I don't know where I am going with this, I think I am crying out for advice, hope and a healthy life, arrgghhh
Your therapist by his profession should have seen a red flag here.
If I were you I'd get my husband to go for a brain scan for this or even a lie detector, but personally I would leave him if I were you.
I think that the others are right for you to proceed with caution. You seem to still have questions about his acting out activities. Your husband should be willing to answer those questions for you.
I am still very new to all this and still struggling myself so I am not sure what I have to say will be helpful.
Your husband does not sound like he meets the criteria for being a "pedophile," But that does not mean he hasn't committed acts with minors. from what I have learned is that sex addiction is progressive and addicts cross lines they never thought possible. Some male addicts have sex with men, but they are straight and not attracted tsexually to men. It is just a way to get their fix. Your husband has admitted to doing illegal activities that should be of major concern.
If there is indeed child porn on your computer and not just actresses playing younger you both may be at risk of facing legal consequences for that. You need to protect yourself.
The addict may need to do more and more to get the high they are seeking and so they cross even more lines including in some cases children, molestation, and even rape. Even if the teenagers he was with were of consent age by state law, the concern is that is what he was seeking out and where would he draw the line?
I have heard the same thing about men And teenagers from my csat therapist. That it is normal to notice and be attracted to them, but it is what they do with that that can be the problem. The healthy mind would notice and move on. An addict may not even notice the age of the teenager because they are only looking at body parts.
However, noticing and seeking out are two different things.
I am glad your husband is 100 days sober and I hope he continues to do well.
A question that I would want to know would be if this attraction has always been with him or if it is how deep into his addiction that he was.
You reaching out and getting help for yourself will make you stronger and more able to cope. Error on the side of caution and make sure you protect yourself and your children while your husband works on himself.
None of this is your fault and you could not prepare for what you did not know. Now you know. Now you can move forward by working on yourself through the crazininess his addictions has created in you and your family. You need to be safe in order to do that.
You are not alone. Hugs to you.
I obviously don't know your whole story, but with what you have shared I agree with the others that you need to find out the depth of your husband's issues as should he. It sounds like you are in the process of unraveling his secret life. Is it possible that he has not yet shared everything with you yet? A poly would help you know if you have the truth from him regarding the girls, but I also think he may need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist to determine any underlying issues.
I know this is scary and overwhelming to face, as we all on here know too well, but you have to know what you are dealing with so that you can make life choices for yourself and your children. It is also what is best for your husband and his recovery.
Please keep reaching out and sharing because you need support through this difficult time!
Heartsadx3:my heart goes out to you for what you have gone through as those scars from your childhood will always be a part of you. I am so sorry that it has been compounded by it all being repeated on your daughter. You are a strong woman and sharing your story here will help others. Hugs to you!
And yes, there is a porn niche dedicated to actresses looking under-age...although I don't trust the industry to ensure age limits.
Having said that, your husband has crossed this age line both virtuallyand in real life. This is very serious -- even among CSATs , it is a specialized field that only a few are qualified to handle. Don't settle for less--period. No compromises.
From your background in abuse, it sounds to mr
I was saying. It sounds to me from your history of abuse that you are in trauma, and out of the fight, flight or freeze options you are in freeze
. DO you have children? If so, freeze is not an appropriate response. For their actual safety, you MUST choose flight. I know this is hard, because no one modelled that to you. Seek counselling from a woman's shelter to help you create an exit strategy.
Ask yourself --how do you want to respond to your children when,as adults, they confront you for NOT having kept them safe with all you knew? Also, should authorities end up involved, you need to realize your children could be taken away from YOU for not having left earlier.
It's time for your future to be about you, not about him
If this is the case with your husband it is a miracle he has not been arrested. In some states 17 is considered legal while in other states it is 18 years of age.
My heart goes out to you. This is traumatic enough when men just fantasize about these young women so I cannot imagine what it must be like for you knowing that he has acted on those fantasies.
While the underlying theory is stilted emotional growth, there is no excuse for the behavior.
I hope you yourself are seeking therapy. You need to help yourself untangle the web with someone who has experience working with women who have traumatized this way.
At some point he will have to take full responsibility for his actions. He will have to own the fact that he was having sex with minors and he will have to work through this to get to the point where he can see that what he did was not only wrong, it was illegal.
However, this post really isn't about him. This post is about you and how you have been completely traumatized by this.
I'm not sure where you land, with or without him, but your healing now must take priority in your life.
Trauma leaves permanent scars, but that doesn't mean you have to live a tortured life.
http://drbarbarasteffens.com/
Thank you for your support.
After reading my post through I realise that I was ranting and I did not give a clear picture of what is/has been going on. My husband has been using mainstream/generic websites but has always tended to select the "teen" category when using them. The images and videos that he was viewing (and that I saw) came from these places, rather than some place geared towards minors etc. Nevertheless it still concerned me that these girls were borderline at best, but I have come to learn that addicts become less and less capable of making discerning choices when they are chasing their "hit".
Also, I meant to type "cam" before sex (as in webcam sex) - My husband has not been having sex with minors. He has been using a generic pay-for-use cam site and again has been selecting the "teen" category. My point was that he was sharing himself with these young women, not minors - it was not that it was illegal, just totally unacceptable bearing in mind he is getting to the age that he could be their father.
I have been following other forums and have been reading accounts of spouses discovering all sorts of degrading and horrid material that might not be illegal but is certainly a far cry from what a mature married father should be looking at. It is a real trauma to be confronted visually with these things, let alone discovering the addiction; I guess I have been struggling to work through this trauma and needed to vent. I really appreciate the support even if it was based on an unclear post.
I also think, lets just say, that these "teens" are actually legal age, his addiction is leading him to seek out girls that look young, this too could lead to offending. You also stated in your original post that he had porn on his lap top of girls younger then 14, again illegal. I am not sure if you are aware that even downloading that type of illegal porn sends red flags for the police and there could be an ongoing sting in the works already. If not and he is never caught by the police you are at risk for being charged yourself. Your husbands therapist gave him the words he need to justify his actions.