It's possible. However, to be completely honest, none of us can answer that question for you. We don't know the relationship with your husband and we don't know your husband. The most qualified person to answer that question is him. The second most qualified would be you. Relationships breaking up certainly don't require an addiction to do so. However it doesn't mean it didn't play a large role, if not primary role.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. As someone who has been the partner of someone who has had repeated affairs, I know it's not easy.

Hi Kelly,

Last week I posted a stupid comment. I had said that I wasn't finding the spouses' input helpful. Today I would like to change my mind on that not just a little bit.

I don't hear of many people that really have "entitlement" that has been paid in full and ready to use guilt free, spend anywhere they want kind of entiltlement. But I think you are one of them.

I can't picture anyone arguing with you on however you decide the cause. I hope that however you want it to go down in history you will error on the side of pure selfishness if you're worried about getting it wrong.

I picture you holding a pre-paid Visa, now get out there and spend it girl. And God am I jealous of you.

thanks Kelly,

Arthur

Sorry Shamless, I guess I'm a little stupid, but I don't really understand your comment. Are you saying he was a jerk or I was a jerk.

Sorry, new to these boards.

Kelly,

I had only meant you kindness. You have been hurt so deeply by this and well yes, to say "he's a jerk" would been a lot more clear. He's a jerk. You deserve so much more. If life isn't fair than I want it to get fair with you. It just seems like it's your turn to get what you want and be selfish about it while you are at it too. I was trying to encourage you to reach out and grab that idea. I was trying to cheer you on.
I hope you can tell that now.

A

Ah thanks Shamless. As a spouse who doesn't understand this addiction, it's easier to believe there's was something lacking in me. I'm hurt over the break up, but it is a relief not to walk around feeling unattractive and like I have to compete with Beyonce and Jlo.

Kelly,

Don't feel like you're competing with Beyonce. Personally, I don't think she is that attractive. There are plenty of guys (that aren't jerks) that would be willing to have a relationship with you. This guy doesn't seem like much of a catch, so he probably won't do very well with the ladies (he'll most likely be masturbating to porn unless he decides to recover from his addiction).

Men are designed by nature to have a wandering eye. Evolution pushes us to spread our seed. That best ensures that some of our genes will be passed on as genetic diversity is positively selected for. Combine that with a porn addiction, and that system goes off the chart. You could be the most attractive woman on the planet to your husband and he'd still want to look at other women. Being a sex addict, he'll really want to have sex with them, even if he finds you incredibly attractive. It's the Coolidge effect. Different = reward.

Starfusion, I'm intrigued by your comments on genetics. I've seen you post this before. If that's the case, why can some men remain completely faithful and porn free their entire lives? Or, why can some men look at a woman, perhaps have a fleeting thought that she's attractive, then move on and forget about it? Please elaborate on "evolution pushes us to spread our seed". Is this a religious, scientic, moral, or all of the above belief?

Oh yes. i do believe it. Until my ex lost his mind and ruined both our lives for his senior hooker, I never knew this stuff even existed. Sure I knew people like porn, but I had NO idea.
They will do anything. At least my ex will or did.
ANYTHING. Nothing matters but the addiction and taking it to new heights.
I am SO sorry.... I have been there too. Seems an utter waste of life and love and all positive things, and of course, you guys have a family too. All dismissed for the sake of what is essentially no more than .... a spasm. Senseless waste and pain.

I don;t think any of them are porn free or faithful. I have been on the dating sites for two years now, adult and the legitimized kind of dating site. You find the same men on both sites, and most are married.

I think most are lying and cheating and getting whatever they can. I did not believe this until I saw it over and over and over.
It is a barnyard out there now.
I love sex, but realizing that biology talks and they are all the same..... total turnoff. I don't want a lying insect to rut with, I want a decent human with a soul and some honesty. Guess I had better switch teams.....
I had NO idea until I got divorced just how in the driver's seat that whole "spread your seed thing" actually is.......

boydie

I get that you're pissed off at us guys. Unfortunately, most of us are looking at porn. As one scientist said when he was doing his research, he had the hardest time finding men that were NOT looking at porn. Porn is the perfect drug and we are the unsuspecting addicts. Our society has not done a good job at making it a taboo for men to indulge in it (although it should be). Porn blindsided us and it came into the fold/society fairly recently.

There are guys out there that do NOT look at porn (or at least try their hardest). There may be very few of them that are as determined, but please understand it from a biological/scientific perspective. I plan on being one of those men who will NEVER look at porn again.

Sorry about your bad experiences with your ex.

Kellyb, that is an excellent question. In animals that do not have our advanced intellect, their genes are basically like computer programming. They MUST follow their program.

On the other hand, creatures such as ourselves have evolved advanced intellects, and with that, the ability to choose our behavior. The big difference is that our genes INFLUENCE our behavior, not DICTATE it like with the creatures that have lower brain power.

But make no mistake, that influence is incredibly strong, nigh irresistible in some cases. But it's not impossible for us to directly contradict our genetic programming, more so or less depending on what we're talking about.

If we are talking about the wandering eye, unless a man has hormonal problems, every man feels that influence to look at other women given enough time with one female. Some men can resist that urge. Some men feel like they shouldn't have to. Men who are sex addicts feel that urge much MUCH more strongly.

Yes Starfusion, you do make sense. Any man I've tried to voice my concerns to over the porn has just pooh-poohed it like I'm some unreasonable alarmist. That's one of the reasons this site has been so helpful to me in understanding how hard it is for the addict and spouse alike. I'm realizing that as with any addicition, until the addict realizes it is wrong and wants help, it will never improve.

As to Johnsonjive's comment about society, I think our society is in the shitter, pardon the language. Just take a look at the breakout in reality television - for instance:

Toddlers and Tiars - pedophile's dream;
Keeping up with kardashian's - making a fortune doing nothing and influncing young girls to do the same;
Teen mom - gee maye I can get on tv if I get pregnant.

The list goes on and on. I find it all repugnant and such a sad example of the state of our society.

Kellyb. My intention was not to say that porn is wrong. I don't think viewing porn is wrong. I think porn is dangerous, like any other drug. My intention was to give an explanation as to why men have a wandering eye.

As far as our society being in qualitative decline, I'm not sure about that one. I don't think the people of the past were any better. I think what reality T.V. does is show us the nasty parts of us that were always there. I think each generation has their own nasty traits as well. Kids from the 40-50s weren't on their phones 24-7 texting or had a sense of unlimited entitlement to everything but on the other hand, most of them were extremely racist and were extremely intolerant of LGBT.

Hmmmm....true wondering eyes. Well, I think men do. I also think women do. Thing is...when does the rational mind make a choice...? I am ever better equipped than my H, or any other man, to engage in sex...got the right equipment to do so? I also am not an animal...I have a much larger frontal lobe...where reason does exist. So, I'm not likely to allow very "old" genetic markers on an biological animal level to make my decisions for me.

Biological justification seems rather archaic to me.