Asking for full-disclosure is not a short leash, but if the mindset is that a husband will have to be constantly monitored and explain his every act or even glance from that point forward, yes, that's a short leash. If a man wanted to constantly monitor his wife that way, we'd call him a control freak.

And this is where you lack empathy. Understanding trauma is how you understand the need to control the environment in which your spouses live. If you can't get that now, fine. But sooner or later you will have to get there.

By the way, I still stand by my original statements about recovery, healing and relapsing. Who, pray tell, are you accountable to??? Someone, other than you, must know the whole truth. Secrets keep addiction alive along with the shame. The truth sees the light of day which will propel you forward.

This is for all the addicts here who are open to learning.

Dealing with control is at one of the roots of addiction --which would feed into the fear of disclosure, so I can see that connection.

My point is that a sustainable recovery includes the (albeit painful ) divulging of the addiction and need for recovery. Intimacy includes sharing values, and if the addict hopes to sustain recovery, it needs to be valued. I am unwilling to support maintaining an addiction and /or recovery in isolation or in secret. It puts recovery at risk, and recovery is precious.

To me, being supportive includes being honest about risks.

very true Jay true healing and recovery does come from within...good point....it also comes from support from a therapist, sponsor at 12 step, and even your wife. Would you expect a drug addict to just be able to stop after doing hardcore drugs for many many years? It wouldnt work, they would need help by doctors, rehab facility, family etc. Sex/porn addiction is said to be WORSE then a drug addiction to break free from. I think from the spouses on here that are telling you that you should tell your wife its because we know all too well what happens when you dont. My husband too thought he could do it on his own, and he did for 18months, still lying, still lying to me, his therapist and himself and like other addicts he failed and relapsed. thankfully it was a short relapse that didnt take him deeper into acting out past porn. So for 18 months i was walking on egg shells, the first 3 months he was miserable as his brain went through withdrawl (and i knew so imagine what your wife will think as your brain starts to get angry for not getting the fix) Our kids were also victims of his anger, short temper, cold and distant, (so your kids will see a difference in their dad too) No one on here wants to see you fail, you are worthy of a porn free life. In the beginning you need all the support you can get as your brain fights you, chances are you have been feeding it that drug for many years. Yes spouses put passwords on electronics, thats not a control thing thats to keep the household safe. My husband at two years sober still says he doesnt want passwords, for two reasons 1) he wants me to not have to worry about it, 2) he STILL sees that he could be at risk and he doesnt want it...thats not saying he thinks he will relapse he just likes the safety net of it....
My husband did exactly what you are trying to do and it didnt work. After 18 months, and his relapse he FINALLY admitted that he couldnt do it alone, he gave me full disclosure, then went to a treatment facility for 3.5 weeks, he attended a recovery group weekly for a year after, then another recovery group for 6 months, he still goes to weekly 12 step programs, sees his CSAT monthly, and we have marriage therapy together. He needed all the support he could get...i read him this thread and his one and only comment to you was....he prayed that you would find the truth because you are only really lying to yourself.

Dlansky thanks for clarifying ...hmmm i am not sure i agree with the point that addiction cant be cured. I mean if you are sober from today till the day you die are you not cured and healed? I think always being aware that one could fall back into old ways if they arent careful and mindful but to say NEVER can be cured, seems doom and gloom to me. I wonder what the stats are about long term recovery. I think if you live the rest of your life in recovery this addiction can be beaten like drugs and alcohol. Dealing with the root of the issue and working through them would surely mean that you wont go back to those old ways. I am sure there are SA's that say "i am a RECOVERED sex addict"

I just want to say something about the recovery process here because there is no such thing as a cured addiction. No one should ever thing to themselves "I'm cured" because that is an invitation to relapse.
All addicts have to remember that they have an addiction. They have to be mindful of their triggers and they have to know how to cope with a trigger when it happens. As time goes on, perhaps triggers become less and less, but not being mindful can cause a slip to happen even after years of sobriety.
My husband is a long-standing member of a fellow-ship. He is a sponsor and he has a sponsor. He says there are members who have been sober for decades and never have relapses, but he also says that there have been members who have been sober for years and then suddenly a life altering event will bring on a relapse. This is where mindfulness comes in.
Alcoholics can never drink alcohol once they are sober because they are always alcoholics even after years of recovery. The same is true for sex addicts. Normal, healthy sex is natural, but anything else is not and will trigger a full-blown relapse.
So saying you are cured is not being truthful to yourself and you are spreading a fallacy to others who think there is such a thing.

It's not that it's "not being truthful." It's a difference of opinion . I believe it to be true because I have experienced it, and I want to share that hope with others.I am not aware of any scientific studies demonstrating that there is no cure, and I believe that all things are possible with God.

Yes, one can always fall into evil in this life, but that would be true even for someone who has never made a habit of using pornography. But the compulsion to use pornography is long gone - it's not something I find myself wanting to do.

As for who I am accountable to, initially it was my online support group. Now it's primarily Jesus, and I regularly receive the sacrament of Confession. This involves openly telling a priest (who represents the person of Christ) my sins since my last Confession, whether they are related to pornography or not. (And it is nice that they no longer are.) Plus, at the end of each day, I try to make a habit of examining my conscience and considering where I made good or not-so-good choices. I also ask various saints and the Blessed Mother to pray for me that I might do better tomorrow. My support group is the Church Christ built.

This works better for me, as it keeps me looking at where I am now and where I could do better in the present instead of focusing on where I was two years ago. The biggest threat to my soul today might not be the same as it was then. A sculptor does't spend his time focusing on the pieces of rock he's already removed; he looks at the rock before him now and what needs to be done to make it conform to his vision. My goal is not merely to avoid pornography but to serve God and die in friendship with Him.

Dlansky,

I wanted to throw my 2 cents in the cured/ not cure debate based ln my personal experience. There is a school of thought that says addictions cannot be cured, in the literal sense it is true.

Being cured means you can always get it again, say a cold, malaria, herpes, etc. Healed that is the word we are looking for, it means we cannot or will ever get it again like cancer, for instance

But let us examine why we can heal from.addictions because their sources are all external:nicotine, food, drugs, alcohol and sex/porn and they are in their very essence brought on by acquiring a set of unhealthy habits over a period of time and an extremely poor coping mechanism among other factors, so if we examine this further, I know I am being simplistic here but I am with you in the all things are possible with God.

I no longer want to smoke, i see a cigarrette and I start gagging, I so much as see skin midly exposed and my instinct is to look away, seriously. I have enjoyed 5 years of sobriety and I do not miss it at all. It is true that it would not be prudenr to tempt myself but why would I since I no longer live that life?

In a nutshell, I personally do not believe in a cure but I do know healing can be achieved. I am living it as we speak

Wolf

Well said Wolfie.....my husband thinks it's more an addict can be healed not cured....he hasn't been triggered in well over a year and a half ...he says he doesn't think, feel or react the same way. So yes he would consider himself a recovered addict BUT still works recovery ...not to stay sober but to enhance his new way of living.

To an extent, whether one uses the term "heal" or "cure" is just a matter of opinion and taste, since we aren't actually talking about a physical ailment. I think you and I agree, wolfie, that a person can change, forming new habits and behavioral responses. That's basically what I mean by "cure" -- I don't mean to imply that one becomes invulnerable to relapse, any more than one who gets better after a cold can never get that cold again if they expose themselves to it.

But I remember that feeling each time I tried to quit porn in the past, where there was that constant, nagging voice telling me I had to go use it, and temptation seemed to lurk around every corner. I remember thinking that, if that was as good as it was going to get, I was in for a pretty miserable life even could manage not to look at porn.

Now, the idea of going to look at porn seems as absurd as trying to go buy crack cocaine. It's not an idea that pops into my head, even when I have a bad day. It just doesn't come up one the radar anymore.

That freedom and peace of mind is what I consider "cured." I someone else prefers the world healed, that fine. But I'm not going to go around seeing myself as a broken person, saying "I'm -----, and I'm a porn addict" at meetings every week, because that's not how I see myself. I once was lost but now am found. And I would hate for anyone else facing this to see himself or herself as unfixable.

Dlansky i agree !!! healed or cured or recovered....there is hope!!!

Im not sure why these guys arent sharing with their wives , its more of a communication problem i see , i enjoy pornography and so does my wife , we enjoy it together , i cant see anything wrong with this , ie Both Adults , talk about it together . I think societies criticisms are a little heavy on your shoulders . when it becomes more open it will no longer be an addiction . Too many moral religious issues designed to suppress us and make us feel bad about ourselves .

roymank,

I'm curious what brings you to a forum on sex and pornography addictions. Is this an area of concern in your life? If you and your wife are both happy with where things are, what prompted you to stop by?

Roymank
Sex/porn is in fact an addiction and it is destroying marriages all over the world. If you and your wife enjoy watching porn then so be it but I am not sure your motivate to come and comment on a forum that is a support for addicts?
Addiction has nothing to do with religion ...men that watch porn often from families of abuse and they discovered it at a very young change.it has changed they perception of what is sex and intimacy. More often then not watching porn esculates and leaves the addict with extreme guilt and shame and even disease.
Please be careful of your comments on this forum they aren't helpful.

I am the wife of an addict - ten years of fighting this cancer and it just doesn't go away. For several years it was videos, now it's sex chat rooms and chat logs seeing the things he and a lot of others on the site require as they tip the 'models' with OUR money...

Rage, resentment, threats, tears ~ all of it, and it just doesn't go away. Ever. Period.

I have no solution. I have a child who is an ex heroin addict. This is every bit as debilitation and dangerous - and it's our little secret. Everyone else on the planet thinks of him as a God fearing, stand up guy. I alone get to see the ugly under belly of his life and I alone pay the price...

Take this to the bank: you are devastating not only your life, but the lives of those you purport to love.

And it friggin hurts.