Jay,

That is exactly what he is saying.

You know the saying: You cannot serve two masters. One will rule over the other. Unless you want to recover more than you want to breathe, then your recovery will be half the effort only to relapse later.

While in recovery, that is all you will be doing, you will be living it 24/7 for at least 2 years, while doing other things but your life will revolve around it.

There is no other way, think of it this way, porn has corrupted your entire mental hard drive and has even changed some of your programs such as: ethics, impulse response, morals, to name a few and created unacceptable and unhealthy behavior and made it okay. Based on that, then it would be fair to assume that you will need most of your time spent installing a new mental hard drive and starting from scratch.

So in light of this, how long do you think it will take for anyone to notice something has drastically changed, your moods will be horrible during withdrawal, you will be unable to sleep for quite a while as your body craves what you are no longer giving it, you will be depressed for w while, for how long it depends on how well you handle your recovery.

Not to mention, that if you start a recovery regiment, there will be a schedule to observe, not to mention the sexual moratorium required for, at least, 6 months or more if the addicted mind refuses to shut up and your wiring gets rerouted to healthy habits.

Do you see now why I suggested coming clean? The above you cannot hide, it is impossible. The only way would be to go on vacation alone for 2 years. Perhaps if you do, you two can go into counseling as you recover.

I know, you cannot accept it, I hear and respect it but I thought it was best to inform you of the road that awaits you which will be very hard but rewarding in the end.

Wolf

Sandcastle,

Please accept my apologies of calling you a he. Sometimes my coffee does not kick in as well as it should.

Great to see you again,
Wolf

I understand

Wolfiepa responded far more adequately than I did.

One reason I don't have much time to post is that we need to downsize our home--for my husband's recovery, we need a smaller place to care for to give all of us enough time for both meetings AND family time. For my husband's recovery, my husband left his job and likely his career, and we cannot afford our home--plus he incurred debt due to his addiction, plus we need to still afford therapy.

These are real sacrifices that needed to be made to make recovery real.

For MY safety, we live in a homeI could care for if he relapses again, and we need to separate...

All I can say is that I simply am not ready to tell her. Perhaps part of me believes that the threat of losing my family is worse than having a porn addiction. Maybe you think I'm setting myself up for failure, but I can only do what I believe is right for me at this time. In the meantime I am exploring all other possible forms of treatment.

"The threat of losing my family is worse than having a porn addiction".

Precisely my point Jay. You do not want to lose the porn (ETC) enough to recover yet. You do not see the damage it has already caused.

I don't control your choices Jay. Actually, as long as you minimize the impact of your sex addiction, you really don't own your choices, which infortunately still "works" for you, as you passively allow it to rule you, you don't need to take responsibility for your life.

By all means, continue to float on the tide of addiction. Continue to isolate yourself in real life. The words we write are mere pixels on you computer screen. They cannot and will not shield you from rock bottom in your life. I hope you recognize it when you get there.

Wow, I thought this thread was to support people, not to try to bully me down a path other people say is the ONLY way to recovery when I already expressed unwillingness to choose that path.

"Passively allow it to rule you"? There's nothing passive about how I'm trying to heal. I'm using support websites, reading a book on the topic, abstaining from masturbation, meditating daily, using filters on my computer etc etc. That's not passive.

We clearly don't agree on this topic. Perhaps we should agree to disagree and leave it at that.

jaystak,
try looking at the comments directed to you as support not judgement. We have all been where you are right now, either an addict or the spouse of the addict. Bottom line is the proof is there, the sobriety and the recovery. There is only ONE way to recovery...truth...to yourself, your wife, and to GOD (or whomever) I understand that you are scared that your wife will leave you, but that fear is blocking you from truly healing.

So the filters that you have installed? who has the password?

an article :


Sex addiction is an escalating state of dysfunction affecting body,
mind and spirit. It is a series of sexual acting-out behaviors that are kept secret and are abusive to self or others. Sex addiction is used to avoid painful feelings, but often can be the source of such feelings.

Acting out sexually for a sex addict alters consciousness and feelings. It is a mental preoccupation which includes obsession and compulsion, and is devoid of a caring relationship. Sex addicts are unable to stop their behaviors on their own, but can be responsive to the recovery process using a 12-step model such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA).

A formal disclosure is an important piece when putting together the recovery puzzle. It involves the sex addict and his or her partner meeting with a therapist trained in sex and love addiction issues.


The disclosure process is a structured confession wherein the addict takes full responsibility for everything that he or she has done in the way of acting out sexually. The addict can then be accountable face-to-face with his or her partner. It is also an opportunity for the sex addict to demonstrate genuine remorse and transparency two crucial components if the relationship is to continue and for trust to be reestablished.

Typically, the addict will prepare for disclosure by writing a letter or an outline. In conjunction with a therapists presence, this provides a structure, so that getting off track is less likely to occur.

During this process, it is important for the addict to demonstrate empathy for the experience his or her partner is having, and being willing to listen to how the addicts partner has been affected by the behavior can be very validating for a partner. It is also important to remain authentic.

Often when a sex addicts partner discovers the addicts behavior, the partner struggles with an intense feeling of emotional betrayal. The partner may experience shock, confusion, anger, and feelings of hopelessness and humiliation. Their world is forever changed in an instant, and they experience the symptoms of trauma. Living with an addict who engages in behaviors such as lying, discounting his or her partners intuitions and observations, and who may even display verbally abusive behaviors is traumatic for a sex addicts partner.

Often after the initial discovery, the addict engages in what is called staggered disclosure. Staggered disclosure is a term coined by Dr. Jennifer Schneider and Dr. Deborah Corley. It usually occurs after a partner has made an initial discovery of the sexual betrayal, and the sex addict makes an attempt at damage control by initially disclosing only some of the acting-out behaviors.

This type of disclosure can have a very damaging effect on the addicts partner. By partially revealing information incrementally about the sexual acting out behaviors, the partner loses their already damaged ability to trust both their own intuition and feelings, and it results in great difficulty restoring trust in the sex addict and in rebuilding the relationship. While a staggered disclosure does much to further decrease trust within a relationship, a complete, well thought-out and structured disclosure can have the opposite effect.

There is no set time the disclosure should happen, but generally, 90 days after both partner and sex addict make an earnest commitment to individual recovery and therapy is a good time to schedule a disclosure.

It is also important for the partner to ask themselves what their goal is with disclosure. The idea is that knowing the truth regarding what has happened can help facilitate the healing process.

The sex addict and his or her partner can benefit greatly from professional assistance to help with the trauma of discovery, and to unpack the difficult feelings accompanying it. A solid relationship with a skilled therapist trained in love and sex addiction can help guide the sex addict and their partner through this process.

http://www.themeadows.com/blog/item/534-the-partner-of-a-sex-addict-asks-why-the-lies-and-can-they-stop-through-recovery



Jaystak i could add countless articles from trained therapist about the purpose of telling the truth, the recovery process, and how the lies hold the addict in the secret life...i pray that you will see that the truth truly will set you free before its too late....

I'm certainly not denying that I may have to do it that way. But I want to explore other options first, options which don't automatically jeopardize everything I have.

candycin, I appreciate your suggestions, I really do.

What do you mean by "options that automatically jeopardize everything I have"????? Doesn't your addiction do that????

@shanas

What I mean is that telling my wife is a very final option which could immediately precipitate a split-up. To be honest, she has her own problems and has suffered several major depressive episodes (before my addiction). We've struggled hard to keep the marriage together. I guess it's a fragile marriage compared to others, but it's the only one I have. Telling her could very well be the tipping point.

Maybe that's the best way to heal my addiction, as suggested. But I want to explore other things which are not as risky beforehand. If I could heal through other means, I might be able to keep the marriage together. Yes I know it involves lying to her, but this is the real world.

jaystak,

First, I agree with you that people should resist the temptation to assume that their way is the only way or necessarily the best way for someone else.

My wife knows that I have a history of porn addiction. She knows that I promised to try to recover, and she knows I've made good on that promise. She doesn't know how many times I slipped up in the process of trying or how difficult it was. She does know that I spend a lot more time with the family than I used to, get a lot more done during the day and more emotionally present with her. Our relationship has flourished.

There was a guy here a while back who disclosed his addiction to his wife because he thought it was the right thing to do, and last I read, it sounded like she was leaving him.

Yes, many therapists recommend full disclosure. I've also read articles from therapists -- even Christian therapists -- who say, "Not so fast." You have to know your spouse and really think about what's best for your marriage. If your wife is extremely insecure or emotionally imbalanced, disclosure may do more harm than good. Or, if she tends to be controlling, she may see this as further justification to control you.

I would caution against flat-out lying. If your wife is asking questions, it's because she knows something.

Also, just as there are risks to divulging everything, there are huge risks to keeping secrets. For example, suppose you recover from your addiction, time goes on, and five years from now your wife stumbles upon some image you thought you deleted. To her it will be like the event just happened. Your entire five years of recovery will mean nothing to her at that point.

At this point, I'm glad that my wife know something about my history, so that if such a thing were to happen, it wouldn't blindside her. I'm also glad she didn't take it too personally in the first place, is generally a forgiving person and didn't really want to know all the details about what I'd looked at.

Had there been even more openness, I might have felt more free to share little victories along the way. On the other hand, her wounds from knowing each little stumble or how disgusting some of the pornography I looked at really was could have made things even worse.

You cannot heal without transparency. I know you have fear, but believe me, your wife already knows there is something wrong. You may have hidden much from her, but she is privy to some of your addiction and this may have contributed to her depression because the trauma can do that to spouses.
You need to be ready to totally commit to recovery and in that process you will have to reveal the truth to her. You cannot heal without doing that and you cannot be committed to recovery with it doing that so whether or do it now or later, you will have to do it at some point.
Please get some therapy first to work through this issue then bring your wife into the therapy with you. You will not be able to recover otherwise.
Good luck!

I also want to add that I have followed this thread so what I have to say here is not in any way intended to bully you, but to help you understand that the people here who have responded to you are working a program or are married to someone who is working the program.
They understand that addicts cannot do this on their own. If you had cancer would you try to cure yourself and not tell anyone?
This addiction is like cancer. You may be sober right now for a few days or weeks, but you will definitely relapse without question.
Reading books and doing online programs isn't enough to beat this addiction. Many have tried and failed.
Even a face-to-face program isn't a guarantee without total commitment.
Having said that, you cannot agree to disagree. You can only do it your way and ultimately fail. You are ultimately protecting yourself, and in turn, protecting your addiction.