Jay,

Perhaps if you had gone to Your Brain On Porn website, you could have gotten the skinny on exactly how sinister this particular addiction happens to be.

Also, if you had joined a recovery program of some sort, you could have avoided the relapse. However, I suspect the relapsed happened because of the secrecy and your desire to keep it to yourself.

I cannot tell you to tell your wife, but I will tell you this, if you are going to live an honest life devoid of this addiction, lying to your wife about the addiction or keeping it from her will just be counterproductive.

You say you can't face her yet. So exactly when you will be able to do it? More crucial when will you be able to come clean to yourself and accept full responsibility for your willing role in the escalation of the addiction.

I want to counter argue your claim of porn addiction's secretive nature, I will agree that it leads to shame, guilt and self loathing which in turn keeps us from divulging our unsavory habits but that is what porn is actually banking on, so to get rid of the addiction, you have to face it in the open, to yourself and to the recovery program of your choice.

While it is true that I told no one about it as I was recovering, I was single at the time and I had other reasons for my silence (note I did not say secret) and it was that I did not want to give the addiction any more time talking about it than it deserved.

II would not say you failed, I would say that you created an unwanted result or succeeded in making your life a tad more complicated.

So in a nutshell, go back and see where you went awry, then choose a recovery program such as 12 step or Recovery Nation which is free and online, created a tight schedule, stick with the program and learn everything you can from it because it will carry over to your sober life.

As for telling your wife, I am certain married men and spouses of addicts will chime in and help you better than I can.

Hope this helps,
Wolf

Im not telling mine either, i cant, no way, ive done too much, hey message me if you ever wana talk about it

Jay and Jh,

Something to keep in mind about keeping secrets from your wives, they already know what's up. They may not know exactly what that is but they know something is amiss

it would behoove you not to insult their intelligence by continuing to lie, not to mention that by lying you are not uphold your end of your marital vows.

Just saying,
Wolf

Im not married yet but my relationship has lost most of the love , my gf is just waiting for proof so she can leave me. She said it. And she stuborrn and doesnt understand the addiction and doesnt care to when it comes to all the things ivs done,she will leave and take my kids away, i pic survival over all.

Jh,

When a woman threatens to leave is never on a whim, it is the result of a lot of untolerable situations and she has had enough. Who can blame her?

You say she does not understand the addiction, and that she is being stubborn. I think she is wanting proof to give you the opportunity to own up and come about something she already knows.

I do understand the addiction, all too well, and only by accepting responsibilty for my role in the addiction could I move towards recovery

In your case, it is not survival, it is simply a matter of refusing the uncomfortable conversation where you man up, so to speak. Yes, she may leave you but, at least, you can live with yourself knowing you did the decent thing and admitted to something she already knew.

This addiction is perculiar in lots of ways because everything is done underhanded, yet the results of it are very clear, they are hard to hide, so what will it be? Are you ready to accept the consequences or are you going to try and avoid the inevitable?

Last question: How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you not want to know? Demand to know? If this a yes for you, then do not say your gf is being stubborn, she is probably just tired of being lied to and not being respected.

Wolf

sigh...as a spouse of a recovering addict i cant tell you how important it is to tell your partner. I spent 20 years blaming myself, thinking i was actually going crazy because like Wolfie said i knew something wasnt right and I was losing myself in the process. When i caught my husband (and believe me she will eventually catch you) my whole world was shattered. I am pretty sure i felt my heart break. So i confronted my husband and it was horrible. He swore that it was a one off, and that there was nothing more. He even started seeing an addiction therapist and like you white knuckled sobriety, refusing to go to a meeting, refusing to tell me the truth, refusing to really admit that he had a problem. 18 months later (and he was sober that whole time) he relapsed, not once but for a month. In the meantime my gut was telling me that something was off. Every single day i prayed that if i knew everything that God would give me peace, every single day i felt worse and worse. So I asked my husband to do a polygraph, at first he was so offended (really scared to death) that he threatened to leave me, "how could he be in a marriage that needed that?" Then his addicted self was so cocky that he said okay book it...so i did. In the meantime he was researching how to beat a poly..2 days later he started trickle disclosure, everyday a new disclosure...saving the worse for the last....we were in the car and i said just ripe the bandaide off already. We pulled into a parking lot and he told me the last 3 things...the worst of the acting out. I didnt scream, i didnt run i was numb. I finally had the whole truth. Did I leave? Nope, i have kids, and a house, and a life that i needed to think about. I made firm boundaries, he HAD to go to a rehab facility, he had to go to meetings, and therapy and he had to serious about recovery.
He is now two years sober, and we have worked through a lot of stuff.. is it easy? heck no, am i still hurt? yes but now looking back i now know that it wasnt me, i wasnt crazy. Sex addiction lives in the safe folds of lies, and secrets. So keep those secrets if you want to continue to live in addiction, but know this, someday she will find out anyways. If you are serious about recovery you will do everything and anything you HAVE to do to have that life, free from acting out, free from relapse, and free from the lies and secrets.

I can tell you this ...as my husband told me everything he felt the addiction leave his soul, heart and mind...

I completely understand the argument about being honest. And I agree that in an ideal situation, that would be the best way to heal.
But what if my wife decides to leave me because of this? She would take our son. The family would find out. Can anyone here say that won't happen? Of course not. But I don't believe that healing isn't possible without risking everything.

I'm feeling positive about a future without porn. I will put everything into beating this. But I can't accept the risk of losing my wife and child. I know it would be my fault if she left. It's all my fault. But I don't want to precipitate this unless I know deep down that I am unable to heal without telling her. I must explore the other possibilities first.

Jay,

I am sorry to be the one to tell you this but I will: when your wife finds out (as Candy pointed out) and she will, it will be much worse. She will feel not only betrayed but to add, to her pain, she will have to reconcile with the notion that not only you have been lying to her but also you kept on doing it just to save your skin, so to speak

What you fear may or may not happen and your wife will have every right to do what needs to be done to keep herself and your son in a healthy environment.

When you say that you cannot accept the risk of losing your wife and child, you in fact saying that you are refusing to accept responsibility for your role in the addiction

The jig is up, so to speak, and you will have to face the music, sooner or later. She already knows. Show her some compassion and respect by coming clean.

Sorry to say, this is non negotiable. As I said, how can you heal if you keep lying to your wife? Assume the risk and get on with it. She may get mad and leave you but if you are really remorseful and tell her exactly the transgresions you accrued during the addiction, seek to get better and resolve never to do it again and keep your word, she may reconsider or she may not but, at least, it will not be as painful as what course you are thinking.

The only option is: The truth all roads will lead you to that only option. As my mom once told me: You made your bed, now clean the sheets before you lie in it.

Wolf

Wolf, I appreciate your reply. But I'm afraid I I can't accept what you say.

You say "she may get mad and leave" and possibly not come back. Yes it would be my fault. I know that. But I'm not willing to risk breaking up my family and losing my child, unless I can KNOW 100% that is it the ONLY option. And I don't know that. I have to explore other options and try to heal that way first. Losing my family doesn't sound like a good first step in the healing process, to me anyway.

I don't know enough about porn addiction yet to think that there is only one option for healing. I may come to that conclusion eventually, but I don't know it now.

You are not alone in this struggle. The truth is that porn addiction is just as debilitating as drug abuse because there actually is a reaction in your brain which produces a drug - hence, the addiction. The good news is that many men have overcome this problem and live porn free. Very few, however, do so in secret without anyone else knowing. Have you confided in a friend, Pastor, or mentor who you respect? There is a book I highly recommend called "False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction" by Harry Schaumburg. I also know about a free counseling service that is available if you are interested. I have overcome this in my own life and know it is possible for you as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

GoBlueInCo

Jay,

I was not asking you to accept it, I was asking you to do the right thing for you son and your wife. This was never about me, it was about them.

Wolf

For me at this moment, the right thing is to try to heal while keeping the family together.

I've started meditating to help with my healing. I was doing a mindfulness meditation today when something interesting happened. The idea is that you simply notice and observe where your mind wanders or what thoughts occur. I had these thoughts:
"I want to watch porn". and
"I don't want to watch porn".

Afterwards, I was thinking to myself. Who is the "I" in the first sentence? And who is the "I" in the second sentence? They can't be the same as their wishes are in direct conflict with each other. Who are these two "I"s?

Anyway, it's helping me realize that the "I" who wants porn is only part of me. It's not me.

Jay,

As as wife of an addict in recovery, and from my husband 's input, as long as there is something you want more than recovery, including your marriage, you do not want recovery enough to sustain healing. Even if it's "recovery and. ..", it is not enough. You need to want recovery, period --no matter what--to reach it.

@Sandcastlefaith,

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. How can I quantify how much more or less I want these things? I really want to recover. I really want to keep my family together. These are both things I really want. Are you saying I should choose one of these and prioritize it?