Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hi all,
I'm a porn addiction in recovery - (SLAA/SA 12 step program). I was finally discovered just over 3 months ago by my wife looking at material on my phone.
It was my rock bottom because i was watching my 2 yo DD at the time and although i have not and never ever have exposed her to any material she was beside me and i felt terrible guilt and shame for being powerless to recognize the damage i was doing. In the proceeding hours i denied i had a problem outright and made excuse after excuse for my behavior.
In the end i cracked - enough was enough - i couldn't continue my addiction and secret dishonest behavior any longer and i admitted a life long problem addiction and compulsion to pornography and Masturbation. This has affected my life in various ways as i have failed to address it and even protected the secrecy of it. It has been exacerbated by the onset of Hi speed internet and that has fed a full blown addiction.
I also work for my wife's father in and in my addiction i abused the work computers to view porn and feed my habit. I admitted this also - causing terrible upset and pain to my wife's family.
In essence now my wife has had her world destroyed by my actions and has rightfully felt the need to separate. I cannot express how sorry i am - nothing i say can take the pain she must go through because of me. She asked me to get help in the beginning - but being in such pain and state of shock she could not continue any longer together.
I have sought Gods forgiveness and help, spoken openly of my addiction and my past - the shame guilt and dishonesty have taken their toll I am embracing recovery and maintaining abstinence daily from this habit. Its been 3 months and things are still raw, my emotions are out of kilter but i am learning to live in the light.
My wife remains in our family home - i have moved out and we share care of our daughter. I see her 2 nights 2 days a week. We still communicate ok but its fraught with conflict and pain at times. I have had to withdraw from communication conflict completely. We only communicate by text and rare phonecalls.
My wife has also put the family home up for sale as in her anger and grief - she feels all that we have built up and bought together has been a terrible lie and i have tricked her into a Marriage - buying a house and loans and debts, memories and good times all tainted.
I made some mistakes in the last 3 months - begging pleading for a second chance, anger seeking validation from others and selfishness asking her to see the decent person i still am underneath the shroud of my addiction. She also has sought counselling and but it seems sometimes that it is other peoples advice is being followed rather than her heart or true feelings.
I have been dishonest without reproach and deceived and broken her trust unequivocally - I love her deeply - i know behind the rage anger and despair she loves me but she is unwilling to see i'm concrete in my efforts to seek change and recovery and to get back to a healthy state
So many regrets now where i ignored minimized and denied my illness - i was powerless to seek help by myself - it was a mental sickness. I wish i had had the strength and courage.
I go forward each day - by the day, i cant plan ahead nor will i look at the future - my wife has told me she can never see it working between us ever again. She considers it adultery of the worst form - Divorce and Annulment are regularly mentioned. It hurts to know this is her feelings now. I know things will never be the same - but i would love to build a new and better relationship - i have no more secrets now - i'm living through fellowship and the 12 steps towards an open honest life. my wife has very Black/White values and her trust is broken - i must accept the things i cannot change..
She was my soul mate - I loved her deeply - but provided a below standard of self to her - disrespected her - took for granted - lacked intimacy at times and was distant and irritable. Its been a pattern of my life. We had our troubles but i know we could love again in time and with gods help. It will be hard work.
I welcome criticism and or advice on going forward / letting go / reconciliation, others opinions experiences
Thanks for for reading.
I'm a porn addiction in recovery - (SLAA/SA 12 step program). I was finally discovered just over 3 months ago by my wife looking at material on my phone.
It was my rock bottom because i was watching my 2 yo DD at the time and although i have not and never ever have exposed her to any material she was beside me and i felt terrible guilt and shame for being powerless to recognize the damage i was doing. In the proceeding hours i denied i had a problem outright and made excuse after excuse for my behavior.
In the end i cracked - enough was enough - i couldn't continue my addiction and secret dishonest behavior any longer and i admitted a life long problem addiction and compulsion to pornography and Masturbation. This has affected my life in various ways as i have failed to address it and even protected the secrecy of it. It has been exacerbated by the onset of Hi speed internet and that has fed a full blown addiction.
I also work for my wife's father in and in my addiction i abused the work computers to view porn and feed my habit. I admitted this also - causing terrible upset and pain to my wife's family.
In essence now my wife has had her world destroyed by my actions and has rightfully felt the need to separate. I cannot express how sorry i am - nothing i say can take the pain she must go through because of me. She asked me to get help in the beginning - but being in such pain and state of shock she could not continue any longer together.
I have sought Gods forgiveness and help, spoken openly of my addiction and my past - the shame guilt and dishonesty have taken their toll I am embracing recovery and maintaining abstinence daily from this habit. Its been 3 months and things are still raw, my emotions are out of kilter but i am learning to live in the light.
My wife remains in our family home - i have moved out and we share care of our daughter. I see her 2 nights 2 days a week. We still communicate ok but its fraught with conflict and pain at times. I have had to withdraw from communication conflict completely. We only communicate by text and rare phonecalls.
My wife has also put the family home up for sale as in her anger and grief - she feels all that we have built up and bought together has been a terrible lie and i have tricked her into a Marriage - buying a house and loans and debts, memories and good times all tainted.
I made some mistakes in the last 3 months - begging pleading for a second chance, anger seeking validation from others and selfishness asking her to see the decent person i still am underneath the shroud of my addiction. She also has sought counselling and but it seems sometimes that it is other peoples advice is being followed rather than her heart or true feelings.
I have been dishonest without reproach and deceived and broken her trust unequivocally - I love her deeply - i know behind the rage anger and despair she loves me but she is unwilling to see i'm concrete in my efforts to seek change and recovery and to get back to a healthy state
So many regrets now where i ignored minimized and denied my illness - i was powerless to seek help by myself - it was a mental sickness. I wish i had had the strength and courage.
I go forward each day - by the day, i cant plan ahead nor will i look at the future - my wife has told me she can never see it working between us ever again. She considers it adultery of the worst form - Divorce and Annulment are regularly mentioned. It hurts to know this is her feelings now. I know things will never be the same - but i would love to build a new and better relationship - i have no more secrets now - i'm living through fellowship and the 12 steps towards an open honest life. my wife has very Black/White values and her trust is broken - i must accept the things i cannot change..
She was my soul mate - I loved her deeply - but provided a below standard of self to her - disrespected her - took for granted - lacked intimacy at times and was distant and irritable. Its been a pattern of my life. We had our troubles but i know we could love again in time and with gods help. It will be hard work.
I welcome criticism and or advice on going forward / letting go / reconciliation, others opinions experiences
Thanks for for reading.
To add - yes it will take me a long time and working the 12 steps to reach the zenith of remorse and accountability for my actions, at times i still feel defiant and egotistical feeling a sense of entitlement to forgiveness and compassion , other times i feel terrible shame and guilt and hatred for myself for leeting things happen this way and not taking control. I hope through hard work and determination i can reach a point of good recovery and work at it for the rest of my life. I know that i will trust in God now no mater what happens..
This is such a deep betrayal that it certainly may be the end of the relationship. One thing is for sure though - we do not deserve them while we are in such early stages of recovery. As someone previously said to me, the spouse needs BEHAVIOUR and ACTION - not words. They need to be able to look in our eyes and not see the shame and guilt and confusion of a struggling addict but the glow and vaibrance of someone who has beaten this, who is humble about the addiction and their actions, and who is bursting at the seems to share a functional relationship with the woman they love.
I agree whole heartedly - as much as it pains me to think that may be the future without forgiveness or reconciliation, i must face it thats my accountability in recovery. I must live in the now, the present, as the future is but one day and then its gone into the past.
I disclosed all to my wife afterwards, there was no evidence of my internet activity - but i told her everything and my history.
You are right Action and Behaviour is key in all recovery, i have made mistakes even to that, but i am trying hard, in separation all attitudes and behaviour are scruntinised. I avoid conflict and try the be honest were i can.
I can only do my best and ask for gods help in all of it