No criticism or advice here. Just a hug and my support. I feel for you and your family.
I just wish you the best and may you find peace soon........

I feel so bad for you. It must feel so horrible to feel you have caused so much pain, but your job is to take care of yourself and continue in recovery and heal.
You cannot control how your wife feels or what she decides to do. She has been deeply traumatized too.
All you can do is ask her to wait before she files for divorce and ask her if she will attend therapy with you.
No matter what happens, she still has to heal or she will forever carry around resentment and blame which will not only damage her but she will never be able to learn to forgive and move forward whether she stays with you or not.
Give her space and time and learn to move towards compassion and empathy for her. You have both been very hurt by this disease.
I wish you well and stay strong in your recovery.

Karder,

Right off the bat, it does not one bit of good to wallow in guilt and shame, those negative emotions will make next to impossible to recover from the addiction. Stop basically: Stop it!

The best action is to take full responsibility for your actions and take it day by day, yet right now, it will feel like second to second and it is fine. So long as you can remain in recovery without indulging for, at least, 90 days. I recommend that be pushed to another 90 days as needed as so forth, to make certain that no images or thoughts intrude upon your daily life, so that your brain is fully rebooted.

When I say responsibility, I do not mean blame, I mean that you accept that you made a huge mistake and you are more than willing and ready never to go back to that again no matter what could possibly happen. That is to say, that the possibility of relapse is truly impossible for you. It has to be, otherwise you'll start the clock all over again and who needs that?

My mother used to say that saying sorry means nothing if there are no actions to back it up, which brings me to tell you a painful truth: You did not love your wife because you did not love yourself, if you had, you'd not engaged in said addiction to begin with. This is not an accusation, it is an observation: We are not taught to love ourselves, we are taught to love others and search for love elsewhere but at its source; within ourselves.

This insight will help you learn to love yourself, accept yourself, exactly as you are right now. And accept those parts about you that you may find objectionable, accepting these "demons" is crucial to your recovery because those are the very ones that came out to feed on the addiction.

Stop using words such as: must, should, you say that you have sought God's forgiveness but by the harsh manner on which you speak about yourself tells me you have yet to forgive yourself. If that is so I have this to ask you: "Are you better than God to still holding yourself prisoner of your own guilt when you have already been forgiven?" We all do that, we seek forgiveness but we neglect to forgive ourselves and then we wonder why we still feel lousy.

The point I am trying to make is that forgiveness brings closure and it wipes the slate clean so that we can start a new life. It does not absolve us but it does free us from all those negative emotions. You say that you must accept the things you cannot change: I agree but the only things you cannot change are: what has happened in the past and others. You can change for the better.

A word about being powerlessness, you say that you were powerless, not so accurate, you felt powerless because it seemed like the addiction had a life of its own, but not for one second, were you truly powerless. This is important to remember because now you can reclaim your personal power which you without nary a word, you fully gave to the addiction.

I realize that you wish to work on your marriage and repair the damage the addiction caused but I strongly suggest that you work on yourself (trust me when I tell you that this will be time consuming and tiring work) for the next two years, at least, and address every aspect of the addiction,so that does not happen again, failure to do so, will bring you back around somewhere you do not wish to be.

You say that you are lost, so start by finding through recovery who you truly are underneath the addictive cycle you were under. If you do not like what you see, then changed, do not wallow on it or dwell on it, simply work on becoming a man you'd want to be friends with.

Which brings me to, this unsettling news: Get to know you, learn to be alone and enjoy your own company. Learn to feel your feelings, ALL of them, good and bad. Appreciate and love yourself 100%. Recover the values porn twisted for you. There is nothing wrong with having black and white values because this addiction does not need grey areas. It has enough already.

As for your wife, she has been terribly and utterly betrayed, I cannot begin to imagine how she must be feeling but one thing I can tell you is that time away from her is the best option. I cannot say where your marriage will be but remain flexible on the outcome. She has work to do and so do you, so concentrate on yourself. You have enough on your plate, as it is.

As you have noticed I referred to it as: the addiction and not your addiction. There is a reason for that, because addiction is external not internal. You are no more addicted than you are the cold when you have a cold. This is crucial for your recovery.

Since you are in a fellowship, I strongly suggest strengthening your relationship with God by asking him to take over your life and guide you every second henceforth because by the looks of it, you've took a wrong turn somewhere, and please refrain from asking and acting like you know better. We all do and we fail miserably.

So, trust that God (100% and without question) will bring you out of this. Do not second guess either, even if it feels uncomfortable, specially if it feels uncomfortable. If it is not loving and makes your feel peaceful it is NOT from God. When you feel an urge, do nothing, simply feel it.

In closing: Simply give God all of your worries, concerns and fears to God and learn to trust him. Write out all the positive Bible verses you can find and recite them OUT LOUD every time you either feel an urge, fear or simply feel bad. You'll see just how different your life will be from now on. Allow God to reboot and renew your mind and heart.

I say this because I did it myself and I was not in any fellowship, so if God can change me, he can change you. All you need to do is trust him. A scary proposition, I know but in my experience, mortals have betrayed me but God never has, even though. at times I thought he had... hmm perspective what a wonderful thing.

Wishing you all the best,
Wolf (4 years sober)

Thanks to all of you - words of courage and hope.

Wolfiepa - I can see you've walked the walk already! i take heart and inspiration from your words and will read them carefully again. There are elements in there were i am being hard on myself yes but im afraid also because my wife reminds me what i have done to her and the situation i have wrought on everyone. It is hard to remove the guilt and shame when my wife is in such pain and anger. I feel responsible for so much loss.

Yes i have been scared to refer to it as 'the addiction' as i felt it was the addcits way of offloading responsibility for my choices - ie i had no choice. I did feel powerless and i was convinced by my brain to minimise the risks of hurting others or myself.

Thank you for your analogy - it helps to make it an illness - and how that illness defined my whole life in one form or another.

I will work hard to stay sober abvstinent and change myself for the better. No going back.
I fear two years may bring to much distance between me and my wife. But then i will not live in the future nor the past i must live now and for myself.

Thanks again for the good words and the reality check. I already feel Gods presence in fellowship and day to day - i pray to him regularly to take charge of my actions and steer me in honesty dignity and sincerity.

Thanks a million.

karder,

I am certain that is not easy to remain optimist and positive at this juncture for a myriad of reasons however, you cannot allow those feelings to define who you are. If you do, it simply drags you down further.

You say you "feel responsible for such loss", feeling and being are two different animals. Let me expand on that.

Let's say that I became irate because someone cut me off in traffic and my reaction caused an accident. Now if I felt responsible, it would be just that, felt it but nothing came of it. But if I owned my part in it and admitted I was responsible, then I would logically accept the consequences.

Taking responsibility is the kindest thing you can do because that act alone says that you admit your mistake and are prepared to take appropriate action to rectify it. It is also the most powerful thing you can do because you are basically saying, "Yes! I did all of that but I am ready to make it right to the best of my ability"

You say, "Yes i have been scared to refer to it as 'the addiction' as i felt it was the addict's way of offloading responsibility for my choices" Nothing could be further from the truth, by distancing yourself you are in no way avoiding responsibility, you are simply saying that it is not a part of who you are, that is not you and that, in essence, you tried to make it yours but you see that it is not so and never was.

Words are very powerful, that's why God told Moses "I AM THAT I AM" when Moses asked him his name. Why? Because 1) this is the only moment we have and 2) Anything placed after I AM had better be positive or we will never get better. So when you say, I AM an addict, you are saying that this entity is you, is it? Of course not because it is man made. That's why I am saying what I said.

So if you are going to say anything about yourself, say that you are brave, victor, relentless, determined, etc. Anything positive but never damning. If other say it, do not allow that to get to you. You have enough self loathing to go around.

Take it second by second, if need be. Work on yourself, all aspects of it and yes, it will be darn tooting hard but you'll see, when it is all over, you'll be a better person than you were..

Just make sure that after recovery, you truly live the sober life. It will be your way of life henceforth. What I have told you thus far are thing I learned in my recovery and subsequent sobriety. I hope one day, you'll know what I am saying when I say, I thank the addiction for having been in my life. What I know now, which is oodles, I would have never known were it for it.


Stay the course,
Wolf (4 years sober)

Such great input Wolf. I am taking much from it myself. I realize that I have taken responsibility but I have not made enough steps forward to forgive myself, I should therefore occupy none of my thoughts with when my wife will. And I will also start referring to this as THE addiction.

Wolfie..

Thanks - the affirmations part - the positive accentuation of myself is something i must focus on. two months ago - i would have been asking how to win my wife back - but its more than that now, its about me and the change i must enact in me through God - everything else will follow from that - pain or loss of my marriage will be transformed in some way at sometime into something else - this to shall pass.

I commit to sobriety and change.

best regards,

I am so sorry about your situation. I wish I had some advice, but it seems like you are doing the right thing in trying to make yourself better. I would encourage you and your wife to go to counseling, or for you to at least go without her if she won't go.

I agree with your wife that pornography is a form of infidelity, although I would not go as far as to call it "adultery in the worst form." Yes, you abused a sacred gift and used other women to derive a pleasure that is supposed to be reserved for you and your wife to share. But, it is not the same as if you actually had shared that experience with another person. I don't know how much that distinction matters, though, if your wife won't see it that way.

I will say a prayer for you. Keep fighting for the one you love. And pray -- miracles happen.

Dlansky - Thank you for your prayers and your kind words, I know my wife does not share that view of 'adultery'. I know a physical; or many physical affairs can be so much more devastating especially because of the emotional investment in a another sexual partner outside of marriage. I can state i have never cheated nor sought to act out in this way.



My wife has sought counselling of her own as have I, but she has so far refused and avoided my offer of Joint / marriage counselling- it may be too early for her. We are in communication but by text only and I avoid predicting what her choices will be in the future i must let her go.

I am reminded of Jesus words in the bible '...let him give up everything, take up his cross and follow me..' and that '....one must lose his life to gain it..'
These are apt words now to me - I must give up on the life i had with her - seek redemption and recovery and only then will God reveal plans for me or us. Yes miracles happen nbut i must focus on now and look down at the place im standing rather than yearning for where i came from or where im going.

thanks again for the support

Karder,

I feel for you. Stay strong toward who you are and who you know you can be.

For me, if I get in the mindset that I only care what others think of me it's easy to consider giving up. You have a lot of support here.

And whatever happens don't let the actions of others determine how you feel about yourself. You are a great man and you can only become greater as you lift yourself above ther termoil.

You're awesome

"I feel for you. Stay strong toward who you are and who you know you can be"

I am trying so hard to find myself and who i am - so much of how we define ourselves is wrapped up in others and of course my addiction

"For me, if I get in the mindset that I only care what others think of me it's easy to consider giving up. You have a lot of support here."

I can see that i do and some of the advice given has been a grace from god. I need to put so much more into practice in my life.


"And whatever happens don't let the actions of others determine how you feel about yourself. You are a great man and you can only become greater as you lift yourself above ther termoil."

The only shame i feel now comes not from myself but others inability to deal or accept what has happened. Their reaction propagates my shame and blocks forgiveness. I am able to forgive myself and i have sought forgiveness of God. Only human forgiveness is the lacking element and in reality is the hardest to receive.


Thank you for the very positive comments, God Bless

Try to put things into perspective given the short length of time you have been in recovery. Recovery takes years, not months and you are no where near ready to deal with relational issues.
Keep working on your recovery and allow your wife to deal with her trauma on her own.
Also, don't allow others to dictate how you feel about yourself. What you are doing takes a great deal of courage. Forgiveness, compassion, and empathy take time and patience.

My apologies if this seems a bit rude. I just read some of the responses "I feel for you" and such and want to scream! Men who do this do NOT love anything... when one has to lie to his spouse, and do this behind her back, he does NOT LOVE her. He might think he feels love, but his brain and brain chemistry is not normal anymore and what he feels might be affection and when caught, regret and embarrassment, and when she leaves, loneliness, unhappiness... that does not mean he ever loved her.

My husband started when he was a teenager and thought it was "better" than sleeping around. He grew up in a highly religious environment and thought sex was "bad" before marriage. He lost his virginity to a girl that got him drunk to have sex with him, because he just really wasn't interested in sex and the religious aspects. Once he sex, he had about five one night stands and then married a stripper. She cheated on him, he found out, and stayed. Sex life with her was awful from the beginning - she used every stripper trick to get him to marry her and then used every excuse in the book why she cheated and begged him to stay. His porn/masturbation was high during the marriage... he used it to cope with his then wife and her betrayal. He finally divorced her, but not before she took everything and left him will all the bills.

He has known me since high school and we reconnected again after he was done with his ex. He told me he was a "normal" guy who looked at porn when single and when he was unhappy with his ex. I have been conditioned by society and other relationships that this is "normal" and I cannot really say anything - though it did bother me.

While we were engaged, he came home in the middle of the afternoon to tell me he was caught masturbating in public. He was in the back of a parking lot and a car parked right next to him... he moved his vehicle and continued masturbating. He opened the door to dispose of his semen and a passerby saw his exposed penis and called the police. He was an officer in the military. I was shocked. But I stayed.

Then I found evidence of naked pictures of himself on an Internet sex toy community site. He swears he just wanted to see if he would get "likes" and comments and nothing else. After both of these incidences, he went to a church counselor and told he was cured. He was discharged from the military after 19 years of service! No retirement and he is not allowed to ever come back. I stayed. I married him, thinking that I could not leave a man that lost everything else already, and he swore he would never go down that road again. He also had a significant wandering eye when I met him and even did it in front of me - but I didn't see him do that anymore, so I believed (or wanted to believe) he was "cured".

He couldn't find work, so I worked three jobs/six days a week WHILE attending grad school. I did this for two years.

One day, I saw his ipad on the sofa and went to plug it in; when I plugged it in, the screen opened up to the Safari "erase history" screen. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I called our internet provider and saw a sample listing of websites visited.

HE LIED. He never stopped. EVER. Even when I worked 20 hours in a row, and was in the next room asleep - he was still watching porn and masturbating. We had mediocre sex once a week and I felt like I did something wrong. I felt unattractive and undesired. I would tell him how I feel and he would get defensive. He was sitting at home - unemployed - and would betray me. He agreed to be the stay-at-home-dad, with laundry, cooking and cleaning done. He did none of those - he slept, watched porn, ate, slept, played video games and masturbated... all while I was working three jobs to support him.

I know I will NEVER love him again. EVER! I dislike him and wish daily I had never married him. I wish I had never met him.

Unfortunately, we are not able to divorce, YET! I found out about his betrayal after we moved to a new state and bought a house that neither one of us can afford on our own. He found a pathetic job when we relocated making a 1/4 of what he used to make and 1/3 less than what I make.

I look forward to the day that I do not have to look at this face again. I am working on paying everything off and saving enough money so I can have this house on my own.

Sorry to vent on YOUR post. My advice from a woman who has been there is to let her go. Be kind and do not stick her with a house she cannot afford or bills to pay off- work it out. If you care about her (and I don't mean love, because you do not love her if you can look her in the face and lie to her), give her freedom from the financial disaster that befalls divorced people and freedom from you and your disgusting habit. That is what my husband and I are doing. He knows how I feel and he would be homeless if he were to leave now. We don't share a bed. I have the house internet monitored and protected, because I won't allow that kind of material in my house. I have a daughter. I don't want her to be exposed to it anymore than she already has been exposed.

Again, sorry that I am not a shoulder to lean on - I am hurt and cannot understand why a man would ever do this to his wife - I hear the whole addiction stories... blah blah blah... it is still a choice. I am a very educated (masters degree) healthcare professional, and no matter the "addiction", if someone really wants to change, they take action and change and not blame the drug or habit on not being able to succeed. They remove themselves from the habit (don't go to a bar/gambling area/strip club etc., block the internet, find a support group and such). It is a CHOICE... and you chose it over your wife and she knows it.

Hi Redblossom - that is some ordeal you have been put through. Daily strength is a great place. These people are being compassionate to Karder. I appreciate that it might frustrate you as he represents the "other side" of this horrible addiction.

You might be right about the "love" argument; one thing is for sure, it is very hard for an addict, such as myself, to go from such a self-serving mindset to one that enables them to properly grapple with what they have put their spouse through. I am experiencing this in layers, and am still probably several steps behind where I need to be to be able to truly be accountable and remorseful. We are not guaranteed to truly accept what we have done, to truly recover from this, and frankly I do not think it is possible to be truly accountable until these things have happened. I am very sorry that your husband has chosen to let it consume him. This addiction, moreso than others, eats away at your emotional capacity. A caring and compassionate man can become an objectifying brute. I have seen the worst of myself in this, and yes it is hard to use the word "love" when my actions have so plainly been to the contrary.

Red blossom,

I read your message and my heart sinks so low, I can see the anger and betrayal and hurt in your words.. im so sorry that you have had this hurt brought upon you and that you trusted someone so unconditionally then to have it ruined and destroyed. I can feel your pain because it increases my shame and guilt just reading it.

Yes i lied to my wife and cheated on her with the internet, my story is similar to your husbands in that i became 'sexualised' very early in childhood and did not grow out of it. I never cheated physically i was obseesed with Masturbation and nudity and voyuerism, and yes i was a scanner of women objectifier even in front of my wife, it was a disrespectful action that i became powerless over.
I believe my addiction grew out of the tragic loss of my father at 10 yo - i know it flourished there and was never treated. But now as an adult I accept the responsibility of my actions and the hurt devastation and pain they have caused my wife and immediate family.

I know i may have had a choice to stop to choose life and love rather than addiction and selfishness, but SEX addiction is an illness you cant see, its pervasive but hidden, it replaces the morals and the judgement a normal healthy person would know to make. It eats your heart slowly over time, and erodes your spirit and emotions.

I have done things i know went against who i really am inside. I am a decent person inside, i just allowed this illness to control my personality and deceive those closest to me.

I believe that people can change even at the moment of ultimate crisis. I believe in repentance and second chances. I believe God loves us all even when we have run from him he follows us.

I am not leaving my wife with a house bills and financial ruin -we are separated and selling under her duress and pain.. i do not wish to inflict anything further on her nor be vindictive. i give all of my pay per week to keep things running as does she. She earns more than me and has more stability around her - we are in constant contact and co-parent our Daughter, one of the more positive aspects is i am so much closer to my Daughter our bond has become strong even though i keep her 2 days a week, she has been the angel and the key factor in my recovery.. i focus on her and giving as much of myself as i can. I am letting my wife go to heal and restore her life and confidence. I am seeking full recovery and spiritual reawakening - that which died long ago and was replace by addiction and selfish need.

I loved and still love my wife dearly, even through withdrawal and pain and resentments - i pray dearly to have compassion and love for her in the face of her huge anger and resentments. i disagree that Addicts do not love, yes, some are so far gone in their actions and mindset that love is all but absent, but for me i adored my wife, i supplemented everything of me to be with her, and i gave everything i could - it wasn't enough though as i was an addict, blocking true intimacy and true connection. I know it was there and i nothing i wish more than i had changed before i met her.

I appreciate your feelings and your opinion, it is very hard to read without re-feeling the pain of my discovery and the pain of my wife, i hope you find healing and recovery of your own and that God blesses you for the future.

Karder