Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Not even sure where to start. First time even thinking to discuss my problems to anyone. I've had a sex issue for a very long time. My relationships have always revolved around sex. Every since the Internet has allowed easy access to porn, I've been addicted to it. Quite frankly prior to the Internet it was video tapes and magazines.
To my current state.....my wife is given up on us and plans to leave based on lack of trust and quite frankly my oblivious attention or lack of to her needs in our relationship.
She doesn't know the extent of my addiction, but has ideas. When we first met, I was open about my porn "fetish" to her and she accepted it as who I was. Several years into our relationship, my porn curiosity moved to Webcam sites and having phone conversations with Web girls. She found out about it at some point and it almost ended us then (we were still dating and living together at the time).
A few years later, once again I found myself on an adult Web social game and started having a web-affair with a girl I met there. Although we never had any physical contact, there was an attachment. Once again she found out shortly before our wedding date. Again she somehow gave me another chance and we got got married. But, this is where the distrust started and our relationship has gone down progressively to where we are today.
Thinking I could control this myself, I did nothing 4 yrs ago when the she found out. In my eyes I've felt we were doing OK all this time. Sure we have our arguments and unhappy times, but in my stupidity I never thought she'd leave. So much that again I've found myself having a web-affair with a girl online. This time she doesn't know about it and it's been going on for a year now.
I don't know that my marriage is even salvageable at this point, but I've come to the hard realization that I have to control this addiction. I've not completely stopped the affair, but I'm trying. I haven't talked to her as much, and it's now been a couple days since. It's definitely been hard and now I'm really realizing how addicted I am, I know this affair is just sex and tell myself it's not worth what's is causing me and the pain it's causing my wife.
I am tore up by how much I've done to my wife and what I've put her through. She is very selfless and really is the best person I could ever ask for, but I've been so blinded because I let sex control me and make stupid decisions in my life. I don't know that I can fix my marriage, but I have to get this addiction controlled.
I hope my rambling is understandable. Quite honestly I'm not even sure what to expect from this, but any input is appreciated.
Thank you to anyone reading this.
To my current state.....my wife is given up on us and plans to leave based on lack of trust and quite frankly my oblivious attention or lack of to her needs in our relationship.
She doesn't know the extent of my addiction, but has ideas. When we first met, I was open about my porn "fetish" to her and she accepted it as who I was. Several years into our relationship, my porn curiosity moved to Webcam sites and having phone conversations with Web girls. She found out about it at some point and it almost ended us then (we were still dating and living together at the time).
A few years later, once again I found myself on an adult Web social game and started having a web-affair with a girl I met there. Although we never had any physical contact, there was an attachment. Once again she found out shortly before our wedding date. Again she somehow gave me another chance and we got got married. But, this is where the distrust started and our relationship has gone down progressively to where we are today.
Thinking I could control this myself, I did nothing 4 yrs ago when the she found out. In my eyes I've felt we were doing OK all this time. Sure we have our arguments and unhappy times, but in my stupidity I never thought she'd leave. So much that again I've found myself having a web-affair with a girl online. This time she doesn't know about it and it's been going on for a year now.
I don't know that my marriage is even salvageable at this point, but I've come to the hard realization that I have to control this addiction. I've not completely stopped the affair, but I'm trying. I haven't talked to her as much, and it's now been a couple days since. It's definitely been hard and now I'm really realizing how addicted I am, I know this affair is just sex and tell myself it's not worth what's is causing me and the pain it's causing my wife.
I am tore up by how much I've done to my wife and what I've put her through. She is very selfless and really is the best person I could ever ask for, but I've been so blinded because I let sex control me and make stupid decisions in my life. I don't know that I can fix my marriage, but I have to get this addiction controlled.
I hope my rambling is understandable. Quite honestly I'm not even sure what to expect from this, but any input is appreciated.
Thank you to anyone reading this.
I also know that you probably wouldn't consider stopping if you knew you could get away with it so consider this your wake up call to get some real professional help for recovery through private therapy and a 12 step program. If she sees you working on recovery things may change or not because she may just be over it already and then there is nothing you can do to fix anything except yourself.
So rather than focus on the marriage, get some help and get going on recovery. Remember you have short changed yourself on many things because of your addiction. You missed out on real intimacy as well and as she was traumatized by your actions, so have you.
Start with being transparent and tell her everything. You have nothing to loose at this point and it will help you begin to let go of the shame you have been carrying around with you for years and years.
regardless if she stays with you, you need to get help for you, and get healthy. Recovery means therapy, and a 12 step program, and holding yourself accountable, get rid of your computer, smart phone, or at the very least add filters and accountability programs on it. You are better then this, and you deserve to live in a world not controlled by your addiction.
End this fake relationship you are having with this women but deleting everything related to her, its not real, and chances are she is married too....
Whether you can repair the damage to your marriage I don't know, but even if you can't, I'm sure you can see the importance of beating this addiction for your own benefit. Do you have support of some kind in this battle?
The book "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" by George Collins was very helpful to me in doing just what the title says.
I am wondering, if your wife doesn't know about your current affair, what is it that is prompting her to want to leave right now? You mention being oblivious to her needs -- do you have a general idea what those needs are, and are you ready to start tending to them (to the extent she'll let you at this point)?
Please note also that at the other end of your Web affair is also a human being, and she deserves better than to be tied down to a man who is not truly free to love her.
I will include you in my prayers.
HOWEVER you do need to tell someone in person because this thing thrives on shame and shame thrives on secrecy.
You seem to still believe that it is sex that is the problem. It isn't. It is addiction. And addiction is the result of early trauma..until you have begun to look at that, then your addiction will stay. Contrarily you baby do any work until you quit the addiction! So you need to do both together. Be fearless as you move forward, take tough choices, call on family and friends and ideally get a therapist and join a self-help group. You are courageous and your life will improve immeasurably if you can see this through
Wystan
I can only add words of support and hope to the advice others have given. I am stumbling down the road to recovery from porn addiction myself (painfully and clumsily). It is difficult, perhaps the most frustrating part is looking at yourself, at your desires (your real desires), and at who you have been and then reconciling that with the person you want to be. I have been ashamed to come on here and write today because I screwed up, I didn't want to have to look at myself, I didn't want to have to repent again, I didn't want to start over. Then I read you post and your feelings of defeat and pain are the same I (and I'm sure most of us here) have felt at one (or most likely many) points in the journey to leaving behind the carnal in favor of deeper, happier places. I'm not sure if you are religious but a scripture that helps to remind me of the fight we are fighting is: "And he beheld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced."
I feel that intimacy, especially sexual intimacy is a pure and sincere thing; corrupted by evil pornography and sexual flippancy are a tool of evil used to bind us as cause unhappiness. I feel so angry at myself when I slip because I know that it is a trap and that I keep falling in it again and again even though I know its there. Many of the people who commented on your post gave me good advice and extended the arm of friendship to me when I came here looking for help (not to long ago). And I want you to know that we have your back. If you want to be whole again, if you are willing to stumble and fall and crawl and kneel than you can find a way out of the deep dark hole that is sex/porn addiction. There is so much more help out there than there was 10 years ago, just don't give up, and don't try and walk the road alone any longer.
when us spouses tell an addict to come clean its not a slight towards you. Everything I have read, my husband attending rehab, working through heart to heart intensive that works with Sex addicts and has a very high success rate say that in order to move forward in recovery, full disclosure is a very important part of recovery. Its the ground zero in a marriage. My husband tried to do what you suggest, I caught him, he started therapy, and lied to me and his therapist and really himself for 19months, white knuckled it till a relapse. SInce he finally gave me full disclosure, passed a poly, went to rehab, attends therapy for addiction, a therapist to deal with his family of origin issues, and we attend marriage therapy. I can tell you that through all the hurt and pain and betrayal our marriage IS infact better then ever before.
I have yet to read or be told by anyone trained in Sex addiction that the addiction stems for a marriage that isn't working, actually most addicts are addicts long before they even get married, actually usually 12 years old.
I have not read any spouses comments on here that state that we think sex is a bad thing. The fact that you are obviously still blaming your spouse (or I believe your x) for your addiction speaks volumes.
I know in my situation I was very sexual in our marriage and my husband actually suffered ED because of his porn/masturbation addiction so therefore COULDNT be intimate with me most of the time. Is that my fault too?
I have to say I was a little shocked to read your comment this morning, you have been supportive to many and it seems like you are on the attack and I don't think its warranted. You have opinions and that's great but there is no need to attack another member. Seems to me that something has changed for you in your recovery and I hope and pray that you can get back on track.
I speak the truth about addiction. My guess is that you are still in the throws of grappling with sobriety so you are allowing your addiction to speak for you by blaming and judging me for statements that I know are true.
I have lived this life with my husband for many, many years and it takes a spouse twice as long to recover from the trauma of the addiction then it does for the addict to recover from his behavior.
You need to look inside yourself to find empathy and compassion for what you have put yourself through let alone your spouse and then and only then will you be able to stop acting like you are the victim here.
Shana you have been very supportive to me. I do however think that Dlanksy might have a point in saying you could be a bit more careful in making categorical statements. A great learning I got in group therapy (one that I have to keep learning!) is to keep statements to my own experience. That way you can be sure you're correct and be sure you are not coming across as judgmental to anyone.
Remember that when you are an addict, your ego brain where your addict survives makes all your decisions for you. This is true of every addict and sex addiction is on the same level as heroin addiction. The change in brain chemistry is almost the same.
Until an addict has a life changing experience, chances are they will take their addiction over recovery. It is called that "rock bottom" moment.
Those forced into recovery are more than likely to relapse so when I say someone cannot fix anyone else only themselves, that is true for everyone, spouses and addicts.
Perhaps instead of picking apart my post, each one of you needs to look at your own intentions when posting here.
Self focus, letting go of co-dependency, control, manipulation are part of the process and while I am always, always open to learning, I am also always, always truthful about what is true about being the spouse of an addict.
Perhaps those who are critical need to again look at themselves rather than looking to call me out.
If addicts want this forum for themselves, then perhaps they need to make that clear to Daily Strength.
Until then, spouses and partners are free to post here and addicts have an awful lot to learn from them.
Counsellors - those trained to help others - won't tell you what is or what to do.
Shanas, nothing this person said reflects how I feel at all.
And anyone who has read some of the other things I've written knows that I would not suggest watching porn with my wife.
Frankly, I'm pretty P.O.'d at this coward who has posted in my name.
A couple comments....first, as for telling my wife about the recent, I don't have intentions to do that. Is it right or wrong?? Guess that's the big question and could be very long debatable. Currently her and I are still living together, sleeping in the same bed, talking and communicating well. We have both opened up and have been talking about out feelings and needs. She still has it in her mind to leave and move away, but for now all I can say is its on the back burner. So yes, this is my last and only chance. Her and I are going to a counselor to talk and get help mediating our feelings.
I do know I have to fix my addiction foremost. I cant keep letting it consume me. My mind tells me its simple, just stop. But I know it will take a lot more. As far as this last relationship, I have been stopping it. Our contact has been minimal, I've deleted the accounts I was using to talk with her. But, I have to be honest, it's been hard not trying to communicate with her. Ive been telling my mind when I think about it, to turn that and think about my wife and put my energy into us and the life we should be living. Today, I straggled a bit and wanted to talk to her, but I'm trying to stop those feelings and instead I'm on here hoping this will help me to get it out of my system.
Again, thank you all for reading and giving your feedback. It is very welcoming to know there is people out there that care, even if they don't even know who I am.