Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
First off let me just say that after my husband and i returned from our separate trips... That whole week for me was a nightmare and a blessing.... We finally sat down to talk. He ended up ending things. As I started to pack he came to me and said he would be wiling to give a new counselor a shot. So we decided to move forward together.
Even after our talk I was hurt at the thought of divorce, but I also felt content. And as weird as it is I felt closer to him after he communicated with me about how he felt. I know it sounds strange because it's not like he was saying what I wanted to hear or was even in the least bit of a happy communication. After we talked and decided to go forward I thanked him for being open with me. I at that point realized where we have miscommunicated this whole time.
For instance I see where it was hard for him too as I never let him get close to me... And he explained how that was his way of trying to show remorse, but without someone (a good counselor) like a third person there to point it out or have us work together I missed it.
We started our new counselor the day after our argument. He is actually experienced with these types of situations and their partners. I think we both walked out of there feeling better. That was the first time in almost three months where we joked, laughed, and talked. The counselor did say that he was going to try to help him unspderstand how I was feeling and also that he was going to give us tools to work with. He said that my husband would have to learn to open up to me as his spouse and that it would not be okay to shut me out anymore, a and that I would have to work on trusting again, but with time.
I don't believe the journey is over and I certainly don't believe it's ALL better, but I do see that I want to give it one more try unless he chooses otherwise.
Though now I face a few dilemmas;
My triggers. Example I was diapering my baby boy and he has glitter on his body from my daughters Christmas dress... And needless to say his glitter made it to his lower regions and my husband thought it would be funny to say something in reference to the glitter having got there because he (our son) was at a strip club. He noticed I didn't think it was funny and asked me if I thought it was. Even before all this I wouldn't have thought that was funny. Nothing against the people that strip, I know plenty of them.... None that actually enjoy it and none that I'd want either of my kids around.
That's just a basic trigger I guess, but any advice on how to get through them and not let them ruin your day? I find myself trying to think of something else when the thought pops into my head and I try to say a little prayer. Any advice?
The other issue I find myself struggling with at times is the fact that my husband now will use his work phone for any internet related stuff because he claims he hates using his personal phone internet now that he has a filtered web browser. I realize that that could be and is a red flag, but at the same time I'd like to believe he wouldn't be dumb enough to use his work computer or work phone for such incriminating content.
When I made my boundaries that was before he got this new job and now traveling is involved more than he said it would be and he has another phone and computer to use. The other thing is we were supposed to go on his next out of town trip with him and already he has made it clear he is going alone with a coworker, no implication that is was ever talked about prior and involving us to go.
And when I question even the slightest of things (most that don't even pertain to this) he gets defensive, but I also realize it's still pretty sensitive to us both.
Like I said even though I feel better about things and clearer that I want to go forward, it doesn't make my trust for him come back nor does it make all this go away like it never happened. But I do realize it's a process.
Even after our talk I was hurt at the thought of divorce, but I also felt content. And as weird as it is I felt closer to him after he communicated with me about how he felt. I know it sounds strange because it's not like he was saying what I wanted to hear or was even in the least bit of a happy communication. After we talked and decided to go forward I thanked him for being open with me. I at that point realized where we have miscommunicated this whole time.
For instance I see where it was hard for him too as I never let him get close to me... And he explained how that was his way of trying to show remorse, but without someone (a good counselor) like a third person there to point it out or have us work together I missed it.
We started our new counselor the day after our argument. He is actually experienced with these types of situations and their partners. I think we both walked out of there feeling better. That was the first time in almost three months where we joked, laughed, and talked. The counselor did say that he was going to try to help him unspderstand how I was feeling and also that he was going to give us tools to work with. He said that my husband would have to learn to open up to me as his spouse and that it would not be okay to shut me out anymore, a and that I would have to work on trusting again, but with time.
I don't believe the journey is over and I certainly don't believe it's ALL better, but I do see that I want to give it one more try unless he chooses otherwise.
Though now I face a few dilemmas;
My triggers. Example I was diapering my baby boy and he has glitter on his body from my daughters Christmas dress... And needless to say his glitter made it to his lower regions and my husband thought it would be funny to say something in reference to the glitter having got there because he (our son) was at a strip club. He noticed I didn't think it was funny and asked me if I thought it was. Even before all this I wouldn't have thought that was funny. Nothing against the people that strip, I know plenty of them.... None that actually enjoy it and none that I'd want either of my kids around.
That's just a basic trigger I guess, but any advice on how to get through them and not let them ruin your day? I find myself trying to think of something else when the thought pops into my head and I try to say a little prayer. Any advice?
The other issue I find myself struggling with at times is the fact that my husband now will use his work phone for any internet related stuff because he claims he hates using his personal phone internet now that he has a filtered web browser. I realize that that could be and is a red flag, but at the same time I'd like to believe he wouldn't be dumb enough to use his work computer or work phone for such incriminating content.
When I made my boundaries that was before he got this new job and now traveling is involved more than he said it would be and he has another phone and computer to use. The other thing is we were supposed to go on his next out of town trip with him and already he has made it clear he is going alone with a coworker, no implication that is was ever talked about prior and involving us to go.
And when I question even the slightest of things (most that don't even pertain to this) he gets defensive, but I also realize it's still pretty sensitive to us both.
Like I said even though I feel better about things and clearer that I want to go forward, it doesn't make my trust for him come back nor does it make all this go away like it never happened. But I do realize it's a process.
I no longer judge or get defensive about whatever is a trigger for her - it doesn't need to make sense to me, I only need to understand that it exists.
Her triggers are inflicting new levels of trauma on her and I owe it to her to keep them to a minimum. These are some of the ways we are currently living without triggers effecting her:
1. I provide my ipad (my only potential porn route) to her at least once a week and she looks at the browsing history etc.
2. I do not take my ipda with me to enclosed rooms (like the bathroom)
3. When I am in the bathroom for a prolonged period I leave the door ajar.
4. Occassionally she relives the experience of my disclosure and is in a bad place. I allow her to communicate that without shutting her down.
5. The above might lead to a night on the couch to create space. I leave all electrical stuff upstairs when this happens
6. We currently restrict the occassions that we are out in public
7. I avoid renting any movies that will have sexually explicit scenes
8. When I next travel on business, my ipad, which I LOVE and is a great source of entertainment, will stay at home and I will unwire.
9. I am avoiding social/drinking events with friends that would have her thinking about what I might be up to.
10. I am communicating everything to her - sharing moments of weakness and moments of success and progress. I read much of what goes on here and on YBRB
11. I am seeing an incredible therapist, and although he costs the earth, I must continue to see him while she stays.
Stay strong Alexis - do not set aside your worries, triggers, and negative thoughts. It is great that he is starting to move forwards but it may be that he is still doing this with the mindset that it is satisfying your own issues, rather than his.
Um the point of the filtered cell phone is to keep him accountable, safe, and help you gain trust, by using another phone it defeats the purpose,...dont under estimate that he wont use his work phone for acting out, hell my husband works in a secure environment, that everything he does on his computer can be seen if need be, he was looking up sites for sex dating profiles, looking at images of women wearing lingerie, and watching web shows with half naked women, plus spending hours on messenger chatting with women about sex....
Bryan,
your r plan for safety and empathy for your wife, her trauma and triggers shows your hard work in recovery...
Candy that's the thing he tells me and he told the counselor he didn't see how it gained trust having a filter on his phone. Well I guess actually one of my boundaries is in place for that that we aren't to shove things under the rug or be passive/aggressive.i guess I didn't think of that. And that's the other thing, I haven't underestimated it I am actually waiting to get back to Cali to bring it up to our counselor! Is that a bad idea?
shoving things around the rug isnt a bad thing if he is always getting defensive when you try to talk to him, sometimes in early stages of recovery having those conversations in front of the therapist is the best way. You could say to him, when we get back to Cali i want to discuss you using your work phone because i am not sure i am okay with that...
A travelling job has its own additional stressors on sex addicts--the loneliness, plus the automatic anonymity, plus the lack of routine because you're in and out of the home=kaboom. It's a specific issue that I believe is one that needs to be dealt with personally for each individual with a professional.
My husband and I tend to have more bawdy humour, but we've been having to learn where to draw a line--and that went both ways for us.
Hooters is a no in our household--permanently (although we've never been)--nor would anything like that be acceptable.
I would like to underscore what Candy said about defensiveness and manipulation. Review for yourself what your follow-up is when those things happen. It is necessary. My husband got his 9 month chip at a time when I had to remove physical affection due to his defensive manipluation.
Candy, that's what I plan to do- makes sense.... A part of me feels it'll be better to speak about thing in front of the counselor also so that he can't just avoid it. I mean he could but you get me. I agree about why the filter is in place but he doesn't seem to get it or pretends he doesn't because he just tries to resist it. I feel like social media is becoming a problem also... He recently added two females he's never spoken of kn FB and one of them is 40 minutes from us. I don't know its just weird. And I haven't brought it up yet.
I guess I didn't think that I would be able to revise my boundaries.... I understand I couldn't play out all scenarios, but I guess I didn't think it was "okay" to add on to it, but it makes sense when out that way. Thanks!!
He needs to set limits on how he behaves around you and what he says because you have been traumatized.
That is what your boundaries are for and consequences if he cannot adhere to the boundaries.
You deserve to be treated with respect. While he is working on his own issues, keep working on your self esteem and know that expecting respect from him and others is not unrealistic.
If you have to do something pray. I really liked the power of a praying wife book by stormie omartin it has written prayers so even if you don't feel like you have a prayer in you for him than it is there already written out. Her prayers are powerful and she's been through alot in her life also which to me helps me connect all the more. This is what worked for me....take what you can and leave the rest.
Start with the Serenity Prayer. The first verse is so important!
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#eA4FCo17pgYQ6CLK.99
However later on (year 2 or 3) marriage counseling can be very beneficial once your hubby has gained skills and success his mind will be more clear and working through marriage issues can be much more effective.
Honestly of all the things that could be most important early on is limiting the damage. Having clear boundaries around communication. We had a rule and that feelings are not right or wrong. Both of our thoughts and feelings are valid EVEN if one of us disagrees. One piece of advice I've held onto is you can be right all the time or you can have a happy marriage but you can't have both. Being right can't be more important than the relationship. Something you can say that works wonders is "I may be wrong" it usually never occurs to us that we could be wrong let alone saying it. But this can help many a conversation. You aren't saying you are wrong but you aren't saying you are right. Alright I'm rambling and I need to fill some stockings. Be aware of the counseling issues if they arise for you. It really depends also on your husband and who he is. Is he broken and working hard to at his recovery and restoring trust. Is he more slow and reluctant. I know one couple who did great with couple counseling but her husband was a go getter in the recovery so they didn't have the issues of him trying to shift the focus on his wife. I know many more who had issue like I mentioned. If you are in separate counseling my apologies maybe this will be helpful to someone else. Blessings.
I realize xues counseling is a slow process and always up and down, we have only gone to one session and all seemed fine until we got around his friends and he basically put me on the back burner our whole vacation. Yea I have my own life but it doesn't make it hurt any less not spending time with my husband. In fact- if people were to see us they would probably never assume we were even married. Some days I feel like walking away would make him happy... Like he's just pushing me to do it.
I know I don't have control over much but tonight he asked what was wrong and I told him I was hurt and tired of feeling like I was second to last for ever wanting to spend time with me.... He just rolled his eyes and walked away bugged/mad. We are at my dads staging for our last night before we travel back home- talking isn't exactly easy and it's aaparent talking is what goes on with us anyway.
I looked up some links of detaching "with love", and I must say I don't know how to do that when I'm hurt that he can't even just talk to me. Not to mention- it is unacceptable to treat me in such a way- how could I possibly detach with love, it seems to me that it would only make it seem like it's okay for him to continue such hurtful behavior?? Maybe I am not understanding it, but I don't want my marriage like this- and he doesn't give me any room to express myself so it leaves me no choice but to speak about it in front of our counselor- which means I have days to wait and I don't want this weighing on me. This sucks!