I've been to 3 meetings so far...thanks for asking. Each time something cracks open for me a little more... a new realization or a decision to leave an old useless perception behind. As I get a little more space from going to that first meeting, I have an almost eerie "before and after" feeling. There have been a lot of steps in this journey, but none as powerful as that.

I've been thing about your feminism comment. Not sure if it wasn't more of a choice of basic survival on my part. If I didn't step in and pay the bills, I felt we would have languished in porn-driven poverty! But still sorting through your comments in my mind because I think perhaps there is some truth there too for us... One question is: what came first - his lack of drive to protect and support or SA? I don't have an answer to that right now...

That cracking open you've been experiencing, the realizations you've had, they are the very beginnings of the "spiritual awakenings" that the Twelfth Step of the program talks about. And the decisions you've made, the "before and after" feelings, these are both evidence of new core beliefs you've accepted (or of old core beliefs you've reevaluated and refined). As your recovery progresses, expect a WHOLE LOT MORE of both. I used to call these things "Aha!" experiences, and viewed them as evidence that God was still with me, guiding and diirecting my path and my life.

I've felt God walking alongside me many times in my life...but never as strongly as when I was finally able to say no, this behavior isn't okay with me anymore...finally able to voice out loud why and that my son and I are worth it...and knowing that I will keep voicing it and keep voicing it...until it comes out as true, clean living water that pours out over all of us. I don't want to shame or judge or live in fear anymore. Sounds good and brave doesn't it? I'm not quite there yet: speaking truths of living water... but hoping I'll get there someday...and I know I am worth the process of trying.

Something I am finding I have become heightened to is my h's comments in front of my son about women. He thinks they are natural observations any man would comment on when a "hottie" passes by, or when he walks by womens underwear dept and does a double take. To me, it shows judgement that hasn't progressed past pre-teen development, and a basic lack of respect for women... and I seriously worry about my son picking it up. If I mention it to him, he thinks I am way overreacting and just not enjoying the life and beauty around me that we are here to experience because i am too repressed to loosen up. These comments used to fly by me... but now they hit me like a painful arrow... and I'm trying to find the right words to make him understand that even very small looks or comments under his breath are potentially harmful to our son. I'm praying to find the right words...

It is a great feeling to experience the presence of God everyday of your life. To know that He is there beside you, wherever you go, and whatever you do. For me, recovery has provided me with a constant assurance of God's love for me. It's funny, I used to say, "I believe", but that's not really true anymore. Now, it's "I KNOW"!! No questions, no doubt, just assurance. It's a wonderful feeling.

The heightened awareness of your husband's attitudes and comments is something that is fairly common in early recovery. Soon, you will begin to notice certain beliefs you have that are kind of crazy. These will be beliefs that you picked up over the years from your parents, teachers, neighbors, religious leaders, coaches, scout leaders, etc. We all carry around all kinds of beliefs about ourselves, our partner, others, the general public, how things should be, etc. Part of recovery is about recognizing these old beliefs, reevaluating them, and then either accepting them as they are, or modifying them to more accurately fit our current life and reality. Sometimes, we may decide to reject a particular belief entirely. That's fine. If that happens, we will emmbrace something new to take its place.

Occasionally, as we are reevaluating, revising, and discarding various core beliefs, our entire belief schemata will collapse, like a house of cards. This kind of thing can be very frightening, but you can also have fun with it. When my belief castle collapsed, I found myself running through a belief store (in my mind), and trying on new beliefs left and right until I found beliefs that worked for me and fit my schemata. I felt like a kid in either a candy store, or a toy store. Anything and everything was possible. My only limits were those I choose to accept for myself and believe.

You can't really do too much about your husband's beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, or words. You can ask him to watch what he says around your child, or you can talk with your child about the comments and try to instill your beliefs and attitudes in him. But it is really your husband's job to monitor his beliefs, attitudes, and words. You need to just continue reinforcing your personal value, as a woman, to him while he is still a child and pray that your message will take. Good luck.