Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
My husband believes he needs porn everyday... and on a fundamental level he sees it as part of his identity... part of what defines him as a man. He doesn\'t see it as a problem, only people enjoying beautiful bodies. I am praying for the possibility of healing, but preparing for the probability that he will never let this go. I don\'t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has these images imprinted on his heart and mind. Porn impacts his actions... affairs, lies...and he isn\'t around emotionally for his son the way he used to be. He can\'t focus on projects around the house, work, things like completing the taxes are way beyond him right now... I suspect porn has impacted his focus. How do i help him... someone who is deeply addicted on such a fundamental level but doesn\'t seem to realize it??
he will have to come to a crossroads as i did
im amazed my wife never left me because of it
with the cheating and lies but she found the strength to see it through
My first reaction is to suggest you dive passionately into recovery yourself. Read lots of books to understand sex and porn addiction.
Face your denial and realize that you contributed to his addiction through your denial, enabling, judgement, and lack of willingness to pursue and expect you own intimacy needs with him. Not saying you caused it, but if you had been more more healthy when you got together, and had the ability to set boundaries, he would have passed you up for someone who would have more closely matched up to his capacity for intimacy.
So, read, get in recovery groups like COSA, S-anon, and consider that over and over the top thing that Sex addicts say is the most helpful to their recovery is that their wives stayed with them. So you can influence his addiction and you can influence his recovery. Not control it, not be the recovery police, or make him do it, but you can "raise his bottom" by defining your own boundaries and the consequenses when he steps over them.
There are many many women out there in your situation, and can empathize with the pain you are feeling, as well as coach you on how to take the next steps.
Your statements about your husbands behaviour are clearly defined in the different forms of denial. It is a fact that sex and porn addiction is distructive to relationships in exactly the ways you have described, but it is also a fact that pain is the solution to denial. When the pain becomes greater than the denial, then the truth breaks through and "We realize that we are powerless over our addiction, and our lives have become unmanagable." is in our face.
Lots of angry women get it into their heads that the more pain they cause their husbands, the faster they will recover. Please do not do this, because as much as you exert your control over giving him pain, is the amout of disrespect and regret you have to take responsiblity for later. Compassionate not puntive, respectful not hostile, loving not decietful, the fruits of the spirit, not the deeds of the flesh, is what I am encouraging.
Hope this is helping a little.
It sounds like you are seeking God in this issue, and that is great. Your husband needs to realize that he has a problem. If he is a reader, have him read "God, Sex, and Men" which is one of the best books on this topic. Also I like "Pure Desire" by Ted Roberts. Ted Roberts is an ex fighter pilot and is now a marine. He too was a sex addict. Never give up on your marriage, but your husband will need to have some major event to wake him up to what he is ruining and losing. If he ever gets arrested, that could be the ticket.
John
IF you are willing to stand by him and support him until he reaches that point, you are a wonderful person. My wife is one like that and everyday I thank God for her being in my life. She is a source of happiness and strength to me as I deal with my own demons.
But understand that this is something that will eat away at him until HE chooses to change. It truly is hitting that point that you realize what you are doing is destroying everything you had hoped to build that you see the change you need to make in your life.
And even after then, the addiction will continuously occupy his thoughts until he learns to reprogram his mind and his addiction and deal with the factors that lead him to it in the first place. A long hard road, for both of you, but your realization and confrontation to him of the pain you feel because of his actions may help him reach the point of return.
I love the concept in Dexter of the "dark passenger". I've ridden with one for all of my adult life and only in the last few months I've realized the toll I've had to pay to this side of my life.
The best help you can be to him is to let him understand the pain his actions are causing on you. To remain silent is to feed his addiction and let him believe that it's harmless and hurting no one. But in the end it is only him that can choose to change.
All of these responses are hitting home for me. I'm wondering...I guess the challenge is how to find a way to stand beside him and love him through this... but also get him to see what he may be losing/destroying in the long run.
Every childhood issue your husband has, you have as well (abuse, abandonment, and neglect). Every type of abuse your husband endured as a child (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and/or spiritual), you did too. By working on recovery for yourself, you will be taking steps to get healthier, and you will also be "raising the bottom" for your husband.
In a relationship, when one partner gets into recovery, the other one will either do likewise, or they will leave the relationship. Those are their only two choices. And if getting into therapy for yourself causes your husband to leave you, realize that he would have left you anyway, whether you had gotten into recovery or not. He will have had a choice to make, you or his addiction, and he will have loved his addiction more, and chosen her, his mistress. There is absolutely nothing you could have ever done about it. But by you being in therapy, you will be much healthier, and your next relationship will not be anywhere near as dysfunctional as this one is.
Did you know there is a spouses of sex addicts group here? There are many women in this group in various stages of this with stories identical to yours. There is a lot to be learned here as well as lending your support to others. Many of us go back and forth between these groups but I believe in and effort to heal your own issues and the trauma you are going through right now it would be very beneficial to hear from those who have tried many different approaches to recovery so that you can see how to continue down the path of healing. You can link in through my profile.
Good luck and hope to see you there.
Lorilou
My counselor agreed with others who stated the one addicted has to hit rock bottom. I have hoped and prayed bottom is on its way. I just don't know if I can ever bring myself to trust him ever again.
I wanted to comment on the response you gave to Lorilou earlier. In your response, you said you were looking for "growth, strength, and healing". That is a very positive response, and extremely hopeful.
When you really get down to basics, recovery is all about awareness or consciousness. We slowly begin to become aware of how our own particular brand of craziness is ruining our life, and realize that something needs to change. In therapy, we learn about all of our issues, and again begin to become aware. We learn how we have been victims of our childhood. We learn about our core beliefs, and how they have not served us well. And we see how our behaviors, though dysfunctional, were creative adaptions to our environment. These behaviors enabled us to survive.
As we become aware or conscious, we see that there are other choices we could make, or options we might investigate. This growing awareness leads, eventually, to healing. This is why I am so optimistic about you.
Most people are deathly afraid of change. It is the major reason why more people don't get into recovery. Change is really nothing to be afraid of, but most see change as moving forward into the unknown. If recovery is ever to happen, the addict and/or the codependent must heartily embrace change, growth, evolution, new paradigms, and ultimately, transformation. This is the direction I see you moving. Congratulations, and good luck!