Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Last night I was encouraged by an anonymous person that I met on Omegle, to chat Via Skype, I let them watch me strip even though their camera was 'broken' then I entertained them.
At the end of our 'conversation' a message appeared that started, 'while you were playing I was downloading all of your e-mail contacts and files from your computer......'
I didn't finish reading the message, I deleted it and blocked them. I am so ashamed it went so far and worried that they will have a way to 'trace me or my loved ones'.
Even if they don't, it still went too far, I'm angry with myself and ashamed, confused too, I really don't know why this addiction is so difficult for me.
It's not the first time that it's gone too far, I find ways to gain more control over the addiction but slowly it finds a way to exploit my weaknesses again. Usually I'll delete an account or a contact and think that I've solved the problem but then I'll find another site, I'll start just having a look when I'm bored, then maybe chatting a little and slowly I lose all sense of reality, I forget all the good things in my life and I become totally fixed.
Part of the problem is that I don't have any hobbies that help me to relax at home, I don't watch much tv or read much, I do like running, cycling, camping, meeting friends, that gives me some balance in my life but there will always be times when I need to sit around at home and chill and that is when I'm most likely to allow the addiction to work its way back into my life.
Recently I've been trying not to log onto any chat rooms until I have completed a good amount of work that day, as a result I've logged on at midnight and chatted till the early hours (though this often really means mindlessly and in complete boredom clicking through spam and guys on omegle that look like sad w*nkers, and probably think the same about me) As a result, I've not had much sleep recently.
Another part of the problem is that I find it hard to be really honest with my girlfriend about how I feel. I can't tell her about this addiction, I just can't and I struggle to share thoughts with her that aren't as damaging either. For instance, I've just been to a DIY store and a supermarket, there were at least six women in each that I had quite strong sexual attraction to (that's probably normal for lots of guys) I know she would hate that so I try to pretend that it doesn't happen, especially if I'm with her. Maybe I'm making excuses but I feel as though keeping thoughts that I have sexually from her helps to fuel the addiction, as I can chat more openly online.
At the end of our 'conversation' a message appeared that started, 'while you were playing I was downloading all of your e-mail contacts and files from your computer......'
I didn't finish reading the message, I deleted it and blocked them. I am so ashamed it went so far and worried that they will have a way to 'trace me or my loved ones'.
Even if they don't, it still went too far, I'm angry with myself and ashamed, confused too, I really don't know why this addiction is so difficult for me.
It's not the first time that it's gone too far, I find ways to gain more control over the addiction but slowly it finds a way to exploit my weaknesses again. Usually I'll delete an account or a contact and think that I've solved the problem but then I'll find another site, I'll start just having a look when I'm bored, then maybe chatting a little and slowly I lose all sense of reality, I forget all the good things in my life and I become totally fixed.
Part of the problem is that I don't have any hobbies that help me to relax at home, I don't watch much tv or read much, I do like running, cycling, camping, meeting friends, that gives me some balance in my life but there will always be times when I need to sit around at home and chill and that is when I'm most likely to allow the addiction to work its way back into my life.
Recently I've been trying not to log onto any chat rooms until I have completed a good amount of work that day, as a result I've logged on at midnight and chatted till the early hours (though this often really means mindlessly and in complete boredom clicking through spam and guys on omegle that look like sad w*nkers, and probably think the same about me) As a result, I've not had much sleep recently.
Another part of the problem is that I find it hard to be really honest with my girlfriend about how I feel. I can't tell her about this addiction, I just can't and I struggle to share thoughts with her that aren't as damaging either. For instance, I've just been to a DIY store and a supermarket, there were at least six women in each that I had quite strong sexual attraction to (that's probably normal for lots of guys) I know she would hate that so I try to pretend that it doesn't happen, especially if I'm with her. Maybe I'm making excuses but I feel as though keeping thoughts that I have sexually from her helps to fuel the addiction, as I can chat more openly online.
What is going on here is probably a typical case of self sabotage. However, I am not quite clear as to why if you are trying to get control over the addiction, you are still going into chat room as sliding back into the habit.
I do not think that part of the problem is that you do not have any hobbies, as addiction entails repetitive self destructive behavior that needs to be addressed. One thing absent from your post that stuck was mention of some sort of recovery program, either self created or online.
In other words, simply quitting in the hopes it will simply go away will never happen. There has to be a clear, air tight and no room for slip ups program so that you can go back to living a healthy life. It will take time but it is possible.
Now for the obvious issue here which is your gf. At some level, she must be aware that not all is kosher in the synagogue, as it were but that is not the main issue, the main issue is that while you say that you are addressing the addiction, you still are going to chat rooms.
As for the women you find sexually attractive, it is only because of your level of addiction that that is happening to you, as you may be hyper sexual by this juncture. Something to remember next time.
It is either you are not truly committed to your recovery or you simply have no self control which tells you that perhaps a recovery program of sorts may be a better bet.
Again it is not the lack of hobbies, it is the absence of commitment on your part that is causing you the most harm at this particular juncture.
My two ruble's worth,
Wolf
I'm not sure if I agree with all your points but maybe that's just because I don't want to hear them.
I read a book that I have been using to help with my recovery, it's based around trying to change my mind-set rather than a programme as such. It does say that willpower alone can be difficult to use without finding something to replace the addiction with, hence the need for a hobby / leisure activity that can fill that time. The problem with my slip ups is they happen gradually, I'll find something that feels safe, however, if that safe approach doesn't work it makes me frustrated, which then fuels me to try other things, when they don't work the frustration, boredom and mind mumbingness feeling fuels the addiction further.
Fair enough. Now, after my program ended which included 90 day total sexual abstinence specially masturbation, I learned a few things from it to use during afterwards.
1) I had to have a rigid schedule where every possible minute was accounted for so that there was no room for relapses.
Example:
6:00 am-6:30am Get up, take shower, make breakfast, pack lunch
7:00 am-9:30am work
9;30am-9:45am make coffee, eat snack
9:45am-12:00 pm Work
12:00pm-1:00 pm Lunch (eat, read devotional)
1:00pm -3:00 pm work
3:00pm-3:40pm Bike home
3:40pm-4:00pm Take shower, change clothes, check email (15 mins max)
You get the gist the point is that every moment is accounted for.
2) Triggers, those incidents that caused me to indulge were addressed as follows: by feeling them and not doing anything about them whatsoever, eventually, they ceased to be an issue as I learned to deal with the issue that caused the trigger in the first place.
3) Another thing I did was start to read motivational books, I filled my mind with positive books by authors such as Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Normal Vincent Peale, Joel Osteen, Louise Hay and at work I would play Osteen's sermons to further infuse my mind with good thoughts. To ne healthy I needed to live a healthy life.
4) Which brings me to, live the life of someone who never saw porn, which meant that I could not go online to watch it (put in a filter called k-9 webcoat), I had to give away my porn, I did not hang out with people who saw it or talked about it. I had also cancelled any premium channels, watched only safe TV shows and these days if there is a highly sexual scene in a movie, it does not interest me, I often either walk out to get a drink or pick up a book and wait til it is over.
5) I did not talk about my addiction to anyone, to me it did not exist as a live entity because I was no longer indulging, so for me there was no sense on speaking about something that was no longer happening in my life. During that time, I had several highly charged events took place but not once did I relapse, why? Because for me, that was NEVER an option, to relapse for me was to revert the clock and to waste x amount of days on my life just because I could not bear whatever was happening, I had gone through worse, for crying out loud.
6) Kept a notebook of triggers and what I did to address them, so that I could both keep a track f my progress but also see what needed to be tweaked if necessary. The most important thing was to realize that sex is an option, I did not need sex whatsoever. Once I established that, getting rid of the addiction became easier.
The bottom line is this: Since this was my problem, I had to get creative and determined to get better, not for anyone but myself, i did not want to spend anymore of my time (I had already wasted 30 some years) on something that is external and frankly nothing external had power over me unless I gave it. I applied what I learned from quitting smoking to my self made recovery program.
Yet the most important aspect of my healing was simply this: Make each day count, I learned new skills, I taught myself new languages, I started to read books I never read because the addiction took up all my time and started living my life anew.
Hope this helps,
Wolf (4 years sober)
Try to pay attention to what is happening before you use. Change your habits around that. My husband used to sit at our dining room table with the laptop. He literally sits in a different seat now. We used accountability software for 6 months. He got out of the habit of checking sites. There is a lot you can do to change daily habits.
My thoughts on this.
Just coming on here is letting me interact a little without the need for the usual chat rooms. It's early days but I'm starting to feel more positive.
:)
The book isn't about porn, which may make it easier to have on your kitchen counter & discuss the concepts with your loved ones. It starts with a story about a chocolate chip cookie habit, and the manner in which the author realized that he created this 3pm habit. Knowing that you created the habit is the first step to changing. There's a chapter about visualizing success in challenging situations, a technique used by high level athletes, which was helpful to me, too. No one is born an Olympian. You train for success & plan for possible roadblocks .
Check it out. And, hang in there!
A lot of good advice in here. Something that has worked well for me is just removing everything all the channels I had to slip back into my old habits. I ditched my smartphone and home internet. I still have desires but lacking the ability to fulfill them has helped me ignore them.
I am loving all the advice in this topic. I feel I need more than to just change my behavior, I feel that is only temporary. I want to change my mind to dissolve myself of these desires.
sounds to me that you are serious about recovery...good luck...stay strong