dream412, I am missing him a lot. However, you are correct that there is less anxiety and less stress and that I am getting more done. Deep down, I know I would survive if I let him go and that it would get easier with time...

Patrickh, I deserve it I know. It is just so hard to give something that makes me feel so good...

Do you miss HIM or the thought of the relationship you had with him but wish you had with your husband. I know how that feels. You've made the break from this cyberguy. Of course you are in pain, but as you say, there is less stress. And was it really bringing you happiness and making you feel good? Or was it filling a void but making you feel unpleasant emotions at the same time? It's totally understandable what you are going through, but you can stop. Do you have an email address that only he uses? If so, delete it now. You can send a short "this is for the best" if you need to but don't go on and on. Same with the phone calls. Don't initiate or accept any more. Once you've made the break, even though it was only due to a vacation, if you don't restart, is easier to stay away. You've got a whole week to ponder... Good luck, be strong, I KNOW you can do it.

Sigh...I know you are right. But part of me is counting the days until Saturday. There is no e-mail address; I only see him on IRC (and on the phone, of course). I sometimes wish that he would decide he doesn't want me anymore. I know it would be gut-wrenching, but it would then be out of my hands. I don't think I am strong enough to stay away. I miss him terribly.

Then, don't go to IRC anymore. (It's a chat site, right?) Put a block on your computer so you can't. If part of you wants him to break it off so it's "out of your hands" then part of you wants to break it off. You just wish it were easier. I know...it's not though. Of course you miss him. That will fade though. And eventually you will realize that what you miss is more of an idea of a relationship or an idea of what you wish you had with your husband, than him. That doesn't solve the problem with hubby...I know, I still struggle with the lack of passion in my marriage. But I read something the other day that made me think. Passion and romance are feelings, fleeting sensations. Passionate, romantic are descriptive adjectives, characteristics. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that can take work, has it's ups and downs, and ideally includes romance and passion, but marriage is a solid source of ongoing joy and love and companionship that outshines it all. When you are not with "him" you feel empty, lonely, you miss him. But with a husband, a marriage, a partner, when you are away, you smile when there's something you want to tell him when you get home, you ponder how you are going to live the next 5 years, you have times of passion and romance, even if they are only once a year...lol. These are lasting things. Not fleeting. Am i talking to myself here? Yes. And to you, dear Cindy. I've had this conversation with myself before. I'm on the other side now, and no, everything's not perfect, but I feel so, so, so much better.

Someone rated this post 'moving' and it certainly is. Very true, too, I know that. My husband is my best friend but there is a void that the other man fills. It is largely sexual...we have cyber or phone sex every time we connect, be it three times a day. I think there were six times in the past nine monthes we didn't and that was when we argued or one of us had to leave. Before I went online I filled the hole with shopping. Luckily, I can afford it, but I have a large closet filled with items that still have the tags on them. As the 11th gets closer, I find myself thinking of him more and more. I don't know if I am strong enough.

You are strong enough, no question. Yes there's a void. But what is the void and what does it need to be filled with? He is filling it with cyber/phone sex. That's giving you a high, an escape, an endorphin release. It's making you feel better...in the short term. That's why you keep needing to go back for a fix. It doesn't really fill the void. It temporarily takes up space, then goes away, and the void is still there. For other people, drugs and alcohol do it. Some people find more healthy addictions, but anything done in excess - even religion, exercise, diet, etc. - that takes you aware from your real, and balanced life, can become unhealthy. If all you do is run and go to the gym all day, making yourself late for work and leaving you no time for your family, is that not an addiction as well, an endorphin rush too. When I say religion, I do not mean God, or spirituality, but I mean people addicted to secular church functions to the exclusion of their family. But, back to you...and him. He's an addiction for you. You are strong enough to break free of him. And really, having these cybersessions with him, or phone sessions with him, overall, do they really leaving you feeling happy? After the floating, euphoria evaporates? No, they leave you feeling like I did...empty, depressed, guilty, confused, and trying to convince yourself that it is a real relationship or justifying it in other ways so that it doesn't seem so wrong or seedy or whatever word I did not want to say to myself. Don't get me wrong Cindy, I think you are awesome. I just think you are caught in a very common trap. And I want to help you learn from my mistake before you have to suffer one second longer. I promise you, it will hurt to break it off. It will take time to recover emotionally. But you will feel better. You will start to focus on real life and you will have to start making positive changes on that front when it's all you have. Once you get there, you will start feeling so much better about yourself. Your self-esteem will go up. You'll feel less anxious, less depressed. You'll still have that void. But we all have that. No other person can fill that void for us. I think that void is our soul. I think that's where we dual with our conscious and meet with God and struggle with ourselves and continue to grow and develop throughout our life into a better and better person. That's what life is. Learning, growing, becoming more self-aware, and drawing closer to God. Because that's who we will be with in the end.