Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

3,359 Members
6,112 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Female Cybersex Addict?

cindy666
cindy666
I think I may be one. I've always enjoyed looking at online porn, particularly sex-in-public, non-commercial stuff. I am married but feel my relationship with my husband is more like with a brother or roommate. Last Sep I started chatting on irc and did cybersex as kind of a lark. Anyway, I hooked up with one particular man from Europe and we met daily, often several times. Sometimes it added up to 6 or more hours a day! I was even getting up at 4 am to cyber with him for an hour or so and then going back to bed. I also allowed him to phone me whenever it was safe to do so. When we chatted last on Monday, we had a minor disagreement and I have not seen him since. I feel devastated that after 8 monthes it can end so suddenly. I also worry that maybe he can't come online..that he is hurt or sick etc. I am a mess, crying anytime I am alone and able to, not eating etc. I think my reaction is way out of proportion and that is what makes me think I am an addict. Over the monthes I have sent some pics his way (the ones of my body do not show my face, but he has 'clean' ones also). He promised he deleted the naked ones after looking, but who knows? So I also have the worry that, because of my own stupidity in sending him pics, my life could be ruined if he turns out to be angry with me and spiteful. I thought I was 'in love'...but can you be in love with someone you don't know in real? Am I an addict do you think? If this is truly the end of the line with this man, I definitely do not want to repeat the pattern. Thanks for your advice...I realize that, being married to a very decent man, I probably deserve a kick in the butt. I will accept any that you want to give me...
deleted_user
deleted_user
All I can say is, cybersex is treading into deep water on the net. Most likely it's best to avoid it, especially if you're married. Most of the world will crucify you for it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The internet and Porn is the most dangerous drug out there. The addiction is impossible to cure and lust just wants more and more. Left untreated, it will kill you some day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you have any feelings for your husband at all, come clean with him and tell him what it is you feel you are missing in your relationship. Having and emotional affair with someone online is just as devastating as a physical affair.

Explore your own past and try and figure out why you chose to do this. It can lead to discoveries that can open a lot of doors for you ... and one of them may be back to your husband. Good luck.
cindy666
cindy666
Thank you, but I don't think telling my husband would serve any purpose. It would just hurt him. I need to resolve this thing myself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do you honestly believe that you can keep this kind of thing from him? Do you think that him finding out about it on his own would be better? The devastation that will result from him finding out about it through another avenue will be much worse than hearing it from you.

You may feel that you can keep this from him now ... but if you have any conscience at all it will start to eat away at you. This type of behavior is breaking a fundamental trust that you are "supposed" to have in a married relationship. I have experienced this both as someone who has been betrayed and as one who has done the betraying. It has been a very painful lesson for me to learn. To be brutally honest ... if you are not willing to be honest with him and yourself about this, then it is best to start preparing for divorce now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Cindy, it appears to me that something major is missing in your marriage. But a cybersex affair assures little more than more destruction of that marriage. Are you sure you can resolve this without consulting somebody professional for advice. Your marriage may well be on the rocks. I really don't know, but something is missing, and I'm not sure how it can be resolved, if at all. I would think it best to stop contact with the cybersex lover. It's only throwing more emotional stress into a flaming fire of discontent with your life already. NO cyber partner is likely to save you here. You must deal with the reality of your life at home, and seek counsel about the problems. If your husband questions that, then all the more need for a professional perhaps you both need. Your marriage hangs in the balance, and you seek other love for some reason. What that reason is I can only assume is total disenchantment and unhappiness with your husband. You have to search deep inside to handle this and I think should seek help. I wish you the best. This must be a very traumatic experience. But never depend on a chat cyber partner to be the answer.
cindy666
cindy666
Honestly, I don't think he will find out...provided my online friend doesn't betray me. I don't think he will. The 'affair' is obviously winding down now, for whatever reason. Some people would argue that it is not an affair anyway, just masterbation. I am not sure where I stand on that, but I do know it is a betrayal. I don't believe necessarily in confessing real life affairs, either. It assuages one's guilt at the expense of the other partner. If an affair is over and you plan never to repeat the mistake, you should carry the secret (and the guilt) to your grave.
cindy666
cindy666
Goliad, you do make a lot of sense and I know you are right that my cyber-partner is not the answer, anymore than a real-life affair would be. The one day a couple weeks ago when I was a real mess I did make use of an online counsellor and she really did help me to get a grip. I will try to do it on my own...if that does not work, I will look into counselling. I still haven't figured out if I am an addict or not. I do know that, since I am not seeing my cyber-friend as often, I have found myself back looking at porn. That probably is not a good sign...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lust will look for anything to take over your mind and life. If you remove one trigger, you will only be driven by another trigger to lust. Be very careful, you are on the edge of falling over to the bottom of lust.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was in a similar situation to yours for a long time although instead of focusing on just one individual I did this sort of thing with many. This sort of behavior while you're married is totally unacceptable and is very hurtful to the person that you're with even if they are unaware of your actions. Admitting that you don't want to repeat this is the first step to getting over your addiction. Let that guy from Europe go, he most likely isn't the person you think he is anyway. Everyone lies about themselves in those forums. Trust me, they really do. Stay away from the computer, stay away from porn, focus on your home life, your husband, and get some counseling. You can overcome this now before it gets a lot worse. None of it is worth it. I gurantee you that.
cindy666
cindy666
Hi. I hear you and I know that what you are saying is true. How did you finally break away? I am certain my French friend lies all the time..also, he has told me little about himself, won't even say what he does for a living. I know I would be better off to leave him behind...but I find myself chatting with him daily again (altho not the huges blocks of time I used to).
deleted_user
deleted_user
Cindy: I kind of know what you are going thru. I love my hubby. Good relationship but he isn't all that interested in sex (couple times a year is fine with him.) It's difficult because you want your marriage but you crave a more physical relationship. You know an affair or online "connections" are not the answer, but you also know that regardless of counseling, talking with hubby, whatever, that your sex life within your marriage will likely not change (Mine is due to his low sex drive and medical problems.) So, do you accept that you are just going to live life without much sex and get a vibrator, or do you reach out in a way that seems the least 'bad" so to speak. That's what your online relationship is about. That's why it's hard to give up. It fills a need. But it also creates problems. You aren't happy with it, it detracts from your real life, and it's become an addiction. You will feel better in the long term if you end it. It's not the answer. What is? I don't know. IF anyone does, tell me, please.
cindy666
cindy666
It is nice to know there are others in the same boat...altho not nice for you, obviously! I haven't cybered in two weeks now. I was on holidays and now he is until the 11th. It is amazing how much I am getting done, :)...go figure...

I still don't know if I can give it up tho or if I will be looking for him when he comes back.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Watch how you feel though from now til the 11th knowing you won't be expecting him online. You may feel relieved from the stress of the waiting, wondering, the anxiety, the secrecy. It's stressful. It's hard to make the actual break but if you decide to do it, it's not as hard afterwards as you think it will be.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You do desever a kick in the butt. I know I do. I was seperating myself from my wife and family because I had never grown up. I love my wife, and worship her, but my actions spoke differntly. If you are married, stop, be honest, and get off the net.